Am I Fucked Up: You Decide As I Can't Make Up My Crazy Mind (1011 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.84 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. SuckAss (View user info) at 2008-10-20 21:26:21 EDT
Due to my recent existential crisis and general hole-in-my-soul pussification, I've been periodically traveling back in time to key points in my life and staying there for various lengths of time. I can't really change anything but I just hang out for a while and resuffer some of my past sufferings. Nothing cool has really ever happened to me except for that time in grade 5 where I won that medal at the track meet. And that time I drove my truck off a bridge and onto a river boat being robbed my Somalian pirates. Then I fought the pirates and we broke into song singing "We are wolves of the sea, with a hi, hi, ho and a hi, hi, hey" and it turned into a hit Broadway musical. And my cat was president and ate John McCain's face-cancer.
My time travels will happen in the middle of my modern Russian history class so when I return and the building is empty and it's two weeks later I realize that I left my pants in the past and have returned in Spongebob Squarepants underoos and matching tank top. My midterm in that class is on Friday and about the only thing I've learned is that the Baltic states were rife with ethnic nationalism, Nagorno-Karabakh is hard to spell, Raisa Gorbachev was pretty hot and Chernobyl caused mutated Belarusian rabbits that grew to be the size of moose with tusks and a horn like a narwhal and hunt men for sport. I like narwhal. I did a report on narwhal once. And otters.
My coke bottle is stuck to my face due to the fuck that is suction.
Because of these recent jaunts to the past, I've given the following five events and/or character traits top consideration and have ranked them out of 10. I'm going to present this list to my therapist in hopes that he'll write me a note (or punch me in the eyebrow so hard that I pass out) and I can go take a break in a nice institution and have the same zany adventures that occurred in the classic movie Girl, Interrupted. I'm going to have midnight bowling fun with my cway-zee ward mates and eat ice cream in a snowstorm. Yippee! I'M GOING TO CRAZYLAND.
5) Up until at least the age of twelve, I would be too embarrassed to ask to go to the washroom and would end up pissing myself at inopportune moments such as during science class, in the backseat of a car next to my obese aunt and in museum gift shops on school field trips (my school is still banned at the Royal Alberta Museum because of this but that's okay because all they have there are some dead bugs, a wall of lego and some bullshit about dead Indians. We brought them freedom. How can the Indians still be whining about that shit?) I don't think I've actually gotten beyond this problem I've only developed better bladder control. I really can't dissect how this problem began or how it has impacted my adult sense of identity. All I know is that it explains why I didn't have any friends. Or underwear that did not retain the stale scent of old piss. I'd also hide the pissy-pants underneath the couch in the living room when this would occur at home.
On a scale of 1 to FUCKED UP: 3.5/10 (Because I figure kids are always pissing themselves)
4) I saw Titanic in theatres three times. Out of my own free will.
Score: 5/10
3) In grade 12 calculus, I had to get a tutor. I had been in honours my whole life (if you consider the years from grade 5 to 12 to be a lifespan) and suddenly I was flunking every assignment, test and pap smear. I did not need to take the class, as I would have enough credits to graduate without it. My mother made me take it because she did not want me to have a spare. Instead, I got into fights with my teacher for brining my tutoring notes to class and using them to help me learn. In the middle of class one day, she started screaming at me for showing my friend some bullshit help sheet. She hauled me out of the classroom in front of everyone and started berating me in the hallway. So I started crying. I was 18 years old and was crying because my teacher was yelling at me. The principal then came up to us and really couldn't figure out what either of our problems was. I believe his exact words were "Steve, skate it the fuck off."
Score: FUCK CALCULUS. FUCK IT IN THE ASS. I HATE FUCKING CALCULUS JUST AS MUCH AS I HATE FUCKING FAT CHICKS EATING CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM ON A BEACH AT NIGHT. FUCK IT!
2) I know the "My Heart Will Go On" song by heart. In German.
Score: 7.895/10
1) When my girlfriend's mother was dying of cancer, I flew to Sweden to be with her and the family. I hadn't met them before but I decided to drain my bank account, in the middle of term, and fly to another country. When my girlfriend picked me up from the airport it was Valentine's Day. That night, I asked her to marry me as her mother was lying upstairs dying. Needless to say, she said no, her mother died and I am very, very broke. And kinda hungry.
Score: 9.8/10
Needless to say, I'm a selfish asshole who periodically has moments of levity wherein I am not a selfish asshole but still an asshole. It's the asshole formula where asshole always equals asshole. I punched an old lady on the bus because she asked me to turn down my German folk music. Old ladies have front butts and make me angry.
I want to move to the arctic and study old maps by myself in some research shack in the middle of the tundra. And one day wander out into a snowstorm and never be heard from again. Because I'll be eaten by Yetis. However, my death will prove the existence of the Yeti (or winter Sasquatch if you prefer) and will be posthumously famous. And the Yeti will ride the narwhal across the Arctic ocean back to his Asian homeland and Sarah Palin will be president and all will be right with the world becasue I'll finally be dead and happy.
Can some one go by my house and return the DVD I forgot to return? It's sitting on my dresser. The spare key is on the porch, behind the decorative sign. If you could do that, that would be great.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-10-23 03:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-10-22 16:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that is very interesting
Submitted by Jordan85777 (user info) at 2008-10-21 21:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i think your ability to see whats fucked up and whats not is a little off is a little off.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-10-21 21:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your principal sounds like good people.
Calc teachers are always lame.
Physics teachers always kick ass.
Chemistry/biology teachers are a crap shoot.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-21 17:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-10-21 10:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177#624725
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-21 09:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was never down with Babar.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-10-21 09:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
im glad you took my advice re: your user name. that gets you a 1. id say spend it wisely, but this mopey emo bullshit still leaves you in the red.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-21 08:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Results are inconclusive.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-21 05:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto Babar +2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-21 04:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto big black cock +2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-21 03:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what we should fear most is an elephant invasion. i mean if they can drive cars and build cities, what's stopping them from building tanks, bombs and nuclear warheads? Elephants man. We're totally fucked.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-10-21 02:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i always how Babar managed to live in an advanced civilisation with these hands.
i'd like to see him knit with those
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-10-21 02:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uber fucked.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-10-21 01:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe crawl back into mommys uterus where it's all warm and safe?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-20 23:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
~G. Marx.
Yeah, I listen to NPR, and I'm recently back from the hot tub, and I am eating Cheetohs, because they make me happy.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
After going over some of my old posts from my 4+ years on this site, I realize that I've always been a headcase. Hmm.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pistachio pudding mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what was that about my creamy nuts?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as long as you're good with that, I'm down.
bring on the nutty creaminess.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well duh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen Titanic ZERO times in my life, which makes my life incrementally 4,000,000 better than yours.
And everyone elses for that matter.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 22:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know by the time I'm up to your knees, I'll be full and you'll be cold...
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just use the spare key by the backdoor. Sneak in at night when everyone else is asleep. I'll by covered in pudding, waiting for you.
*Meow*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok. I'll be there
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please come taste my pistachio pudding. It's succulent.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sooooooooooooo in. Caramel pudding? Pistachio pudding?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't have chocolate but I'll be drinking later so it will be likely that I'll make pudding. You in?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i need chocolate now.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COME ON FUTURE SELF! I DARE YOU TO TRAVEL TO THIS VERY MOMENT! I'm waittttiiiinnnngggg.....
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your posting on uber. i think your questions answers itself.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-10-20 21:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes.