I’ve Been Eating Plenty of Pasta Salad Recently (1059 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.68 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome (View user info) at 2008-10-18 23:43:28 EDT
I almost had an affair with a Russian the other night but decided mid-nakedness that I was not drunk enough, she was not attractive enough and my love for ex/current/spiteful-girlfriend were enough reasons not to go through with it. She was also married and was wearing tear-away pants. I had eaten some bacon earlier that night with this Chinese girl. I think the Chinese girl may have been more of a good time because I don't have to wonder whether or not China is in Asia. I doubt I will ever be attracted to a Turkish woman because I would constantly be questioning her geographic location - and whether or not Europe is an actual continent and not a peninsula.
Sitting at the bus stop at 2 a.m., I came to the realization that I don't really care about anything or anyone. I only interact with humanity because it amuses me. I periodically fuck with people's minds out of boredom.
I did realize the apples weren't on sale but didn't stop the clerk from ringing them in at the sale price. She had old hands but her face was younger; she was one of those people that you wouldn't see for a few years and would look the same the next time you saw her. People like that confuse me. Do people really exist when I'm not there?
I paid for the apples and ate one in the car and felt guilty. Then I tossed the core at a homeless Indian. But he wasn't really homeless because the land of the Indian is the land itself. I don't feel guilty about Indians.
I tried to kill myself again last weekend.
The cab driver played terrible music. I hate the fucking Eagles.
I think the water in my fish tank is too warm. I want to buy a frog but my other fish had babies and I worry that an aquatic frog would eat the baby fish. And then keep growing and eat the adult fish. And then he would expand the confines of the tank and eat my cat and then come for me. Frogs are fucking sweet.
And tasty.
The summer air was soft and warm, the feeling right. The Paris night did its best to please us. Strolling down the Elysee, we had a drink in each café.
And you, you talked of politics, philosophy and I smiled like Mona Lisa.
We had our chance, it was a fine and true romance
I can still recall our last summer. I still see it all. Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain, our last summer. Memories that remain.
I have been dealing with the problems of anti-time recently. Many of my rants center around the fact that I'm the cause of my own problems in the future and they will only get bigger in the past because of the time/anti-time reaction that occurs in infinite time loops. Moments exist independent of each other and repeat eternally. That means, in a layer of time, I am getting a hand-job from my girlfriend in a motel in the Yukon while her brother sleeps next to us in the same bed. And this repeats for infinite. What?
The cat broke the lamp that my ex-roommate left when she moved out. I don't think I ever liked her or that lamp. I put the pieces in the middle of the floor and danced around them in my Buzz Lightyear underpants.
My house isn't there when I'm not there. I constantly have to check on it to make sure it's still there. Even when I check on it, it's not really there. Anything that happens when I'm not there occurs in another layer of time and only happens in our time in order to fool me into thinking that things exist when I'm not there even though I know they don't.
I really hate my mother.
I'm paranoid of everything and everyone. And my therapist tries to reason these feelings by brining up Stalin, the purges and show trials. I'm going to rip that guys throat out with my hands and then chew my way to the back of his neck just so it's a total decapitation and not a wuss-ass copout.
I like bike riding at night.
The pasta salad I've been eating has been giving me terrible gas so I've been standing next to old ladies at the bus stop just because I know that old ladies smell bad.
The hawk watches me at night. The eagle too.
Eagle is a song by Abba.
I'm sorry this wasn't very funny but I'm on way too many drugs to force anything remotely ducks.
Ducks in the sand. Ducks on the land. Ducks in my eyes. Ducks on my thighs. I woke up covered in bruises and can only blame the ducks. Ducks shit everywhere and I have to clean it up with my eyes. My eyes are made of ducks and the ducks are in my eyes.
I lost my camera.
OCTOBER.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-23 04:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-23 04:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-19 02:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you and darko would make a lovely couple, and if you shack up I'm inviting myself over with three bottles of mad dog and forcing you two to drink it all and then I'm going to pressure you to make out. With him. Just because.
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i find erections difficult to maintain after three bottles of mad dog.
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Just knowing that you would drink three bottles of mad dog gives ME an erection.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-23 04:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-19 02:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you and darko would make a lovely couple, and if you shack up I'm inviting myself over with three bottles of mad dog and forcing you two to drink it all and then I'm going to pressure you to make out. With him. Just because.
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i find erections difficult to maintain after three bottles of mad dog.
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Just knowing that you would drink three bottles of mad dog gives ME an erection.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-10-20 16:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen."
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-20 14:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the abstractness of it all.
Weed makes everything make sense, doesn't it? Too bad it's been too long since I've had any. :(
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2008-10-20 13:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I suppose if you hadn't have sounded like so much of an egotist, I would have enjoyed this more.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-20 10:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-20 04:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Over-enthusiastic.
Submitted by Beerpoo (user info) at 2008-10-20 01:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I opened this up I completely expected to see some form of inanity that a title like that usually preceed. Instead I was pleasantly suprised. I will go as far as to compare this and your pieces simiar to this to work of Kerouac. It caught my interest and spun smoothly yet chaoticly. Ideas stringing together. More poetry than prose.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-20 00:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also I'm gonna steal future-me's hoverboard.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-20 00:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sitting here waiting for my future self to walk up behind me and kick me in my ass and tell me to get my shit together and fucking do something instead of just sleep and play video games all day. And to hand me a sports almanac from the future so I can become a gambling millionaire.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 22:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm seriously sitting here waiting for my future self to walk up and punch me in the balls for being such a pussy. My only respite will be the fact that his balls will feel the same pain as he and I will be the same person. Only he'll be from the future and probably more fed up with this shit than all of you put together.
Säkert sitter jag hit och vänter på min framförsjläv att komma och slå mig på ansiktet. Vad fann vad dålig.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-10-19 22:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-10-19 21:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-10-19 20:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 14:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's all a load of crap.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-10-19 14:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tough crowd......you whiny bitch.
i've been told many times, mostly by strangers, that i look russian. alas, i am ukrainian...oh well, at least i don't look polish.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-10-19 13:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-19 13:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed out loud twice.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2008-10-19 12:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate the fucking Eagles."
STAY OUT OF MALIBU, DEAD-BEAT.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-10-19 12:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was utter dross. The only bit of this that I believe is that you're on drugs. Consider not taking the drugs for a while because they're clearly not helping any more and appear to be in fact getting in your way.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-19 10:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You sound ready for a sex change operation. Go with the hairless, "inny" vagina.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-10-19 07:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you need to change your name. youve lost the right to have awesome in your name, as youve developed acute suck.
stfu, you whiny bitch and stop posting till you stop this gay phase.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-19 05:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-19 05:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was recently informed by her that minorities could make fun of other minorities provided they were the minority in relation to those minorities. So as a native american she can make fun of everyone, while as a white guy I can't make fun of anyone. Part of me fears she'll go back and read http://www.ubersite.com/m/65269 and break up with me
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-19 05:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about the delay, I was busing vaping and watching my girlfrlay twilight princess.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-19 02:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you and darko would make a lovely couple, and if you shack up I'm inviting myself over with three bottles of mad dog and forcing you two to drink it all and then I'm going to pressure you to make out. With him. Just because.
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i find erections difficult to maintain after three bottles of mad dog.
steven st. awesome, i have been there too. it sucks. alcohol doesnt help like you'd expect it to. in fact it makes things worse. getting kicked off the swim team because you hurt your shoulder, having your best friend try to kill himself and get sent away to a hospital, and finding out one of your other best friends has cancer all within one week of your breakup dont help at all either.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you and darko would make a lovely couple, and if you shack up I'm inviting myself over with three bottles of mad dog and forcing you two to drink it all and then I'm going to pressure you to make out. With him. Just because.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where the hell is darko. I'm going to look into transfering to a school in Michigan and shacking up with him. DARKO WHERE ARE YOU AND WHICH SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO SO I CAN GO THERE TOO!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, I hate everyone. And the only way I can really deal with that is to ignore them.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stevie.. that's a lot of shit.
you should invest in a shovel.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 01:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Love is quite the motherfucker. Chicks are fucked. I'm fucked.
I have come to the point in my current group of friends that my fucked-upness has ruined everything with everyone. Everyone knows my business and my mistakes. Everyone knows about my getting drunk and showing up at my girlfriend's apartment and screaming at her until she lets me in, starts crying and then we go for lattes the next day. You can't fix shit like that.
But this has happened before and will all happen again.
What I need to withdraw into a hole for a year and become a hermit until everyone has started to forgive and forget and realize that my fucked-uperies are endearing.
It's just all too much.
I'm going to tell my mom to fuck off the next time she calls because I can't deal with her shit anymore, plus my shit. And the pile of catshit in the corner.
Durrrrrrrr....
WHINE-BITCH-MOAN-SLAP
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Love IS a mutherfucker. Also, love is a muhfucka. Let's not forget mofugga.
I'm sorry I just typed that.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love: It is a motherfucker, hah?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost had an affair with a Russian the other night but decided mid-nakedness that I was not drunk enough, she was not attractive enough and my love for ex/current/spiteful-girlfriend were enough reasons not to go through with it.
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I almost had a threesome last night but didnt for the same reasons. My roommate was gone and things were getting hot and heavy and then one of the girls said, "our ride is probably going to leave soon...i can tell her not to worry about us, if you give us a reason?"
i told them they should go and they said ok like i was joking and i ushered them out of my room and went to sleep.
i will probably never have another chance at a threesome. i have had sex with one of the girls already though and it wasnt good so when i think about that i feel better about telling them no. but the other one was better looking and a good kisser and i really wish i was single.
actually let me bitch about that for a second. my not-girlfriend, the other night, was pissed off at me because i wanted to hang out with her, just us, and not go over to her friends place. i hadnt called her in three days and i amgoingtobe/havebeen busy for several days afterward and i just wanted to see her after a long day at work. and she told me this is why she hates getting close to people, because it always has to be "just us two, we can never hang out with other people." ugh.
i think she might have a broken brain. or she's too young and doesnt want to be in a committed relationship (which is strange considering my last girlfriend 2 years ago wanted to have kids). either way i'm frustrated.
i only read as far as your first sentence but you've earned your +2 already. i'll keep going now.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only read up to the Indian comment.
Touche, my friend.. Touche.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what doodles said.
faggot.
Submitted by billjenkins13090 (user info) at 2008-10-19 00:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a
world of make believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns. And magic
frogs with funny little hats...
-- Homer Simpson
Blood Feud
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-10-18 23:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm only saying this because I care.
SKATE IT OFF, FAGGOT