true stories...or I have a terrible memory so these are the most boring things I could think of :D (750 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.22 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tatonator (View user info) at 2008-09-25 16:36:03 EDT
1. I was playing crocquet two weekends ago with my ex. His little sisters and sixteen year old brother were with us and the family dog was outside, too. Since one of the girls was holding the dog, he thought it'd be fine to go. She released her grip on him just as he was taking his 'hit' or 'shot' or whatever. He ran right toward it; it slammed him in his pig-shaped gut making him jump about a foot in the air. He slammed back onto the ground and ran off. We started arguing about where the ball should 'stop' as it rolled twelve feet away after hitting the dog. We ultimately decided the ball should land where it hit the dog initially.
2. I am clumsy as fuck.
-Cinco de mayo, my friend was falling down. As I was too busy laughing at her and calling her stupid I forgot to let go of her hand and landed on top of her, still laughing and calling her stupid.
- I broke two toes (only bones I've ever broken) from dropping a drawer (it was HEAVY) on my foot.
- Going barefoot for three weeks straight on the construction site this summer; I decided to wear shoes (flip flops) one day. I ended up getting some kind of sliver(non-wood??) stuck in my shoe making my foot sore and bloody. I don't wear shoes to work, anymore. I literally get chills thinking about that pain.
- At another job I somehow managed to perch my entire body onto the back of a spinning office chair. Realizing I was perched at the top/back of a spinning office chair I freaked out and proceeded to tumble off the back end as my boss was walking by. He laid on the floor laughing for twenty minutes, then asked if I was all right.
- Walking to the bars last weekend, I slipped on a mound of mud, slamming my foot in to the top of my shoes and cutting off a good chunk of flesh. I really hate wearing shoes.
- My knuckles are all fucked up and at odd angles from slamming them in so many doors of various kinds. (Cabinets, car, screen, storm, (doors) , windows, etc....)
3. On pain and anger....
I've never been in a fight. But I've tried starting many. Most girls want to talk shit and then scream and yell, walking away when they realize they need another cherry bomb or some other thing that girls drink. I realize this isn't normal and wonder how well I would've fit in with medieval days or ancient Rome. I know that 9 times out of 10, girls would rather fuck with your head rather than just argue about something real. They are abstract (irrational) creatures and should be dealt with as such.
4. On brutality OR stupid girls....
My mom gave away my first pet when she was mad at me. I was fourteen, I got CC (the great grey persian kitty) when I was nine. Two weeks later the new "owners" called and I happened to answer the phone. They were wondering if we'd seen my cat. I told them no and realized my mother had no soul.
5. Of ancient Rome and brutishness. Yeah, I know it was two back on the list, get over it...grapes...hmm...wine......
I love beer. I love food. I love them together. I would do just about anything for the next mouthgasm.
6. blah blah blah
I used to get in trouble for being bow-legged in gymnastics. Some of my coaches thought I was being "fresh" with them. No, I'm just deformed, thanks for pointing it out and making an ordeal of it in front of the entire team...Really.
7. Speaking of deformities....
Babies.
'Nuff said.
8. ..........
I taught myself to read music and play piano when I was 11 because I was bored.
9. Speaking of stellar.
In third grade there was a bully, Devon. He bullied everyone in the school and everyone was either scared of him or didn't acknowledge him. One day he decided to pick on one of my friends. No way was I letting that fly. I told him he was being a jerk and to "take it back." He said no, so I punched him in the face and we got into a fight in the school yard. All I remember is going to the principal's later. She wasn't too mad I got in a fight, he was a jerk and I was a well behaved kid. I learned about loyalty and love that day. Later that year I learned about respect when injured on the playground and he carried me all the way to the nurse's office. I learned to always stand up for what's right even when things are weighted against you.
10. I am secretly jealous. Only of one thing, and not all the time. I'm jealous of all beautiful people. I don't hate them, just envy them. They did nothing to look the way they did, just as ugly people have no choice, either. I do look down on plastic surgery, though. I think it's sad and pathetic. No matter how jealous I may be, I know I will never have anything handed to me. I work for everything I have and I have integrity, among other things (bitterness, sarcasm, y'know, the awesome things!)...
11. I fucking love chinchillas and pandas. Maybe I'll get them to breed. I will have ....pandchillas. I will start selling them at $1275/piece.
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-28 18:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO! and who the fuck is maltese????
Submitted by DTII (user info) at 2008-09-28 18:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't this Sico or Maltese?
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-28 15:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit? Or quiet?
Ouch. Yeah. I'm not good with this short story shit. It confuckles me.
No, I'm not dead. I thought YOU were dead, boblab.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-09-27 15:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just quite already.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-26 10:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cause I said I would.
and I cant -2 a fine piece such as yourself.
if you really wanna get grossed out you can imagine me as a gross fat guy while saying that...
oh wait...
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-26 09:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For Cinco de Mayo and destruction.
This year on said date I found myself walking around Newark after spending time across the bridge at a Rangers game and was jumped by some tequilla fueled Devils fans. Wearing a Rangers shirt, swaying this-way-and-that, made me easy fodder. Luckilly, the 2-for-1 tequilla/corona post-game bar special that night had done its job and I had enough of a boost to hoist myself up and head off to the next venue relatively intact.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-09-26 08:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
- Walking to the bars last weekend, I slipped on a mound of mud, slamming my foot in to the top of my shoes and cutting off a good chunk of flesh.
______
Read this to yourself aloud, try to be objective, and then answer the following question. Do YOU have any idea what you're trying to say here?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-26 07:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off, huh?
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have given you a lot of +2's. Just not here.
Submitted by Sincere (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like your posts.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-25 20:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all right fine... I am done with uber.
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-09-25 20:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I won't say it the way Shlongy does, but it pains me to give a hottie a bad review.
But I am afraid this post gives me no choice.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-25 19:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm breaking my promise. You get a -2.
Why is that women nowadays have absolutely no fucking class? Seriously, go to an etiquette school or something. Fuck.
Put some fucking shoes on, and quit be a piece of Asian trash you fucking troglodyte.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-25 19:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it that obvious? Fuck.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-25 18:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
is english your third language?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-09-25 17:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Can't decide which is better: #4 or #9.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-09-25 17:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am the weather and you will like me or I shall rain upon your head.
Also, this was utterly boring and trite.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-25 17:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am convinced that you either:
1) Never finished ninth grade, or
b) Are really, really stupid.
I mean, I still want to bend you over and do the snowplow with you, but I can never understand 74.8% of the shit you spew onto Uber.
This post was no exception.
Your reviews are even worse.
The only reason this is not a -2 is because of that silky snatch.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-09-25 17:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
12. you have a sideways pussy
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, i meant facts. they're not stories at all to be honest.
chillpandas...hmm. sounds like a candy though
jack has an alter or that's sicose or oathmeal being stupid i'm guessing?
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Show us your cans or Jack McCallum kills a kitten
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
- Going barefoot for three weeks straight on the construction site this summer; I decided to wear shoes (flip flops) one day. I ended up getting some kind of sliver(non-wood??) stuck in my shoe making my foot sore and bloody. I don't wear shoes to work, anymore. I literally get chills thinking about that pain.
- Walking to the bars last weekend, I slipped on a mound of mud, slamming my foot in to the top of my shoes and cutting off a good chunk of flesh. I really hate wearing shoes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#1- What kind of fucking shoes do you buy that have razors in them?
#2- Working on any construction site without proper footwear is a guaranteed way to earn a Darwin award, or at the very least an honorable mention.
#3-Pandchillas will never sell. Call them Chillpandas and they'll go like hotcakes. If you make it happen, you owe me one for my marketing genius.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These are not so much stories as they are poorly-written facts for a few of them. One of the poorest bandwagon posts on this particular subject I've seen.