I Don’t Have Goals, Only Moments When I Forget To Be Hopeless (773 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome (View user info) at 2008-09-17 15:11:35 EDT
Here are the following reasons why my life is perfect:
1) I am young and still haven't developed a reason to wear expandable pants.
2) I am afraid of bridges, thus keeping me from hurling myself off of one.
3) My catlike reflexes will keep me from being mowed down when one of my coworkers finally comes in shooting. I'm also the only one that knows about the super-secret stairway that goes to the secret sixth floor. That's where I've kept the rabbits when I'm not eating them.
4) I can talk to dragons.
5) I have this box! What could be in this box?! Could it be candy? A pony? Money? The antidote? I have been poisoning the coffee for years and now I'm going to give you the antidote. Could that be what's in THIS BOX?
I'm sure there are more reasons but I don't want to brag about how awesome my life is because that's rude of me. I once paid some one who looked like me to walk in my shoes while I hid in the basement counting my toenail clippings that got sucked into the vacuum cleaner. He seemed pretty impressed by my awesomeness and offered to impersonate me for free! Needless to say, that's the only way I passed Biology!
We recently got a new boss at work, one who is unfortunately motivated and has yet to realize what we're doing at work is essentially creating artwork for apes who purposely blinded themselves with acid because they HATED artwork. Apes don't have an appreciation for art to begin with - imagine what BLIND apes think of art?
Anyhow, my supervisor told me that my next raise will depend on the fulfillment of goals I set for myself. There was a shared cynicism towards this concept when Angry Bob (the angriest supervisor evar!) told me about this solution to our dwindling moral. I think the Jews at Auschwitz had higher moral than we do because at least they had a way out. Right now, I'd settle for the freedom of a chimney over the perennial gulag that's become my job.
Since I've gone back to school to finish my BA, I've become fairly dethatched from work. It's a mean to an end so I can afford tuition, booze and hookers. I wish booze and hookers were included in my tuition but the only thing that is included is a year round bus pass for our city's terrible bus system. Many routes just go nowhere. I guess that's what happens when you live in a Siberian penal colony where they don't have to bother to build walls around it because anybody stupid enough to try to run away will only freeze to death and die until he's dead.
I can't really set any production goals for myself as my job is so dependent on the fuck-ups of others that it's fairly impossible to do my job any faster. So there's no reason to have a goal that involves me meeting deadline any faster. I could kill a bear, skin him and make a rug out of his ass in the extra time I have at work. I just choose not to do so because I like the office bear, although I suspect it's not really a bear but the obese librarian. She was wearing yellow one day and I thought the Earth was finally falling into the sun and this horrible existence would finally be over for everyone and not just me because my girlfriend broke up with me because I'm insane even though I'm really not because my dad used to beat me and pretend not to be my dad while he did it.
I decided one of my goals would involve me not being so negative. But shouldn't goals be positive rather than saying, for example, "I will not think about stabbing each of you in the head with my HB pencil?"
Gross! I just poured iced tea into my milk glass and now there is a strange, sugary glob in my mouth! I think I just discovered what was in primordial ooze!
My job is not my career. I have accepted that. I will not get a better position and will only continue to get paid more because I've been there for so long. I feel like I've gone through Stalinistic purges, wherein I'm still around but people who were smarter and better than me have been liquidated and I've only received more responsibilities because everyone else is dead.
I think one of my goals should be avoiding paranoid thoughts.
Another will be to stop sleeping on the job.
I'm tired.
I like tacos.
I didn't really have a point with this. I just think it's stupid to have goals that are only achievable if you buy into the bullshit idea of motivational buzzwords and team-building exercises. I only show up to those for the free juice boxes and to mock openly my coworkers and their sweaty armpits and hairy knuckles.
DID I MENTION I CAN TALK TO DRAGONS???
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-19 15:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-09-19 01:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-19 00:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-18 05:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think one of your goals should be to pack up your life, move to the good ol' us of a, and become my roommate. We'll get red wings season tickets.
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I was thinking about killing myself today until I saw this.
You just saved my parents the trouble of a funeral and trying to get a refund on my tutition.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-18 13:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-09-18 07:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loving the randomness.
Fuck you, I'll burn down your house.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-18 05:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also, filename
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-18 05:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think one of your goals should be to pack up your life, move to the good ol' us of a, and become my roommate. We'll get red wings season tickets.
Submitted by Lamia (user info) at 2008-09-18 04:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, someone else is is scared of bridges!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-17 21:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-09-17 20:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That dragon is fuckin' da shit out of that there cloud.
==============================
Ahahahaha!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-17 21:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this still steve's house of pancakes?
Cos I want blueberry ones
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-09-17 20:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That dragon is fuckin' da shit out of that there cloud.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-09-17 19:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-17 19:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw you posted again and got an erection
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-09-17 18:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post deserves an average score of no less than +2. I love every word of it. Especially the ones that begin with the letter 'T'. I don't know why, but the 'T' words really hit me in a way similar to when my dad used to hit me.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-09-17 18:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All joking aside, I feel this may be the best post I have ever read on this site. Everything about it, including the entirely lacklustre execution, encapsulates exactly how I feel about the people I work with.
(all alliteration above absolutely accidental)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-17 17:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-17 17:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting laid twice before noon.
I'm not sure what I just read, I liked most of it though. I think.?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-09-17 17:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you're really um.....weird.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How is this not rated higher?
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have retired while you were "on top".
Of that other dude.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this gave me a headache. THANKS.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, uh... what's in the box?
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better (-1)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This post yaps like a shih tzu, and I bet if I printed it out and balled up the paper I could kick it just as far as I could kick a shih tzu, and I bet if I printed it out and set it on fire it'd burn just like a shih tzu, and I bet that if I read it three more times I'd become as dumb as a shih tzu, and I bet that if I read this post to a shih tzu in the shih tzu language the universe would explode because no shih tzu may know the mind of the shih tzu god. Fuck shih tzus, I say.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what.. the.. fuck are you on?
I'M HIGH ON LIFE.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
St. Awesome, indeed.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what.. the.. fuck are you on?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dethatched? WTF DOES THAT MEAN?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-09-17 15:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me happy in the pants area.