Breaking Up Is Hard To Do When I’ve Secretly Hated You For Months (1446 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome (View user info) at 2008-09-14 22:23:29 EDT
*Ahem*
Once upon a time there was a boy named Steve who met a beautiful Swedish girl who he loved with all his heart - his tiny boy heart that's made of licorice and bits of balloon and bacon. His tiny boy heart was also quite black from lack of use and covered space dust. And it smelt like dead bunnies. He also ate raw crabs and cried at night when they crawled out his eyes. They were really tiny crabs.
But the beautiful Swedish girl was very strange. One day she loved Steve very much. The next day she was a total unrelenting bitch who hated his guts with every fiber of her Swedish being. If you convert being like currency, you end up with Swedish being equaling about 6 to every 1 of our beings.
Then a bunch of shit happened.
A girl's hair smells very pretty. I like pretty things like buttons and Danish stamps.
Steve fell in a hole and got very stuck and the Swedish girl was too busy crying about it to help him out. It was a very big hole that was probably made by a dinosaur. Steve got very mad and decided to start digging down, down, down to China!
There, Steve met a Chinese girl. But that didn't do that for him because Chinese sounds like some one stabbing your ears with razors and blaring Ashlee Simpson music on an accordion. And then the blood starts to reverse boil and that sounds like apes in an oven, screaming and screaming Bon Jovi lyrics!
Then Steve went back to the Swedish girl. He still loved her but she had fallen in love with the Frogman. And the Frogman was a tiny pink asshole who scratched at his glass tank and made faces at Steve. Little frog faces. What an asshole. I hate his pink ass.
So now Steve and the Swedish girl are broken up. At least he thinks they're broken up. He's not really sure because she doesn't have a phone and Steve can't afford gas. Also, some drunken guy wrecked his car in January and Steve had to go to the hospital. And then his dad bought him pizza. It was good pizza.
Are they really broken up?
Maybe Steve will find out when he breaks into her apartment and kills the Frogman and eats his tiny corpse.
I'm learning about Vikings so I can travel back in time and kill your fucking ancestors, you cheating bitch!
...I love you please take me back?....
Snälla?
God fucking dammit.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bulletproof (user info) at 2008-09-16 18:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vengeance is the way ahead.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-09-16 17:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Välkommen hem, Stevie.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-09-16 13:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-16 13:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud. Kind of reminded me of Mad Libs at times though. Random adjectives and such!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-09-15 18:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please note the almost YEAR TO THE DAY of my last post.
===
OH WE HAVE
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-15 16:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still one of the funniest things I've ever read: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91959
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-09-15 14:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait a minute, I got that wrong. She broke up with me because my dick was too small. She said that everytime she saw it she laught until it hurt.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-09-15 14:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A chick once broke up with me because my dick was too big. She said it hurt to much to have sex.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would rather read about Swedish girls instead of your pointless love life.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:05:33 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har frogged!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
way to not be dead!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-09-15 12:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-09-15 11:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-15 11:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I would have much rather read about your fucked up lovelife without all the gay analogies.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-15 10:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, more like va-GUY-nas!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-09-15 10:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Method is just thinking about vaginas.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-09-15 09:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they don't make medicine for what you have
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-15 09:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
creamy
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-15 09:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please don't leave Uber again Steve.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-15 09:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo stevie!
that is one tasty blondie
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-15 09:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about the Swede...points for a good read.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-09-15 07:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.
-- Homer Simpson
There's No Disgrace Like Home
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-09-15 07:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-09-15 06:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone should date a Swedish girl at least once.
This +2's for Sabina.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-09-15 04:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitches.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-09-15 04:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God you've gotta love Swedish girls. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
i bet her pussy tastes of cherries.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-15 03:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-09-15 03:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-09-15 01:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-09-15 01:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har frogged!
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2008-09-15 00:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like I would miss this
------
I Ogree
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-09-15 00:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol.. holy shit man
+2 for the title alone. I'd give another +2 if that was possible because the story was an acid trip.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-15 00:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Seriously, does some one? I've pretty much lost my sense of self here.
I think I'm a chicken wing or some one with really tiny hands.
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2008-09-15 00:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wasn't gonna give this a positive rating til i saw the picture.
whoa
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-ing -ing -ing -ing -ing -ing -ing -ing -ing.
Jesus, Doodie, you get sucked in EVERY TIME!!!!
whatanidiot!!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the word being needs 'a' or 'the' in that context bubba.
Also having two words end in -ing side by side is bad karma.
Any other question, or are you ready to admit that not only have you accomplished nothing with your life, but that you can't even win an argument online with someone who is only about 1/3 of your age.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
kaos-king, you like to question the motivation behind every ranking on this site? Would a -2 no comment have more weight to it?
The reason bart hasn't given me my ratings back is because that requires effort on his part, just like it did when he had to reset my password after I kept bumping his post, just like it did when he had to unban me after rating too many posts in a hour or so period, and just like it did when he had to take them away in the first place because forensic_girl got all pissy and declared war on me because I rated a couple of her posts with +1 in a rad101 homage.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you end up with Swedish being equaling about 6 to every 1 of our beings.
is incorrect bubbie-boy
==================
Read it again in context, cockboy. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you end up with Swedish being equaling about 6 to every 1 of our beings.
is incorrect bubbie-boy
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh. Could have used a proof read.
=============
FUCK you, little boy!!! Nothing was wrong, you stupid asswipe.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. This couldn't have come at a better time. What a cunt.
I'm free. I'm free.
And freedom tastes of reality.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's hysterical that he still doesn't have ratings.
Darko, have you ever considered the fact that your bizarre & singular arbitrary ranking based on something as pointless as the filename of a jpg attachment could have SOME connection to the fact that Bart will never give them back???
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been sitting in my room listening to "I Will Always Love You" all weekend. I've just returned to the light of day.
I am reborn.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that they don't
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
truth
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Darko, you still don't have rankings? Things really don't change around here do they?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH.. MY.. DEAR.. &.. FLUFFY.. SATAN!!!
It's a Stevie post!
**kills self**
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
filename
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like I would miss this
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please note the almost YEAR TO THE DAY of my last post.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME with a Swiss girl named Nina.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh. Could have used a proof read.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-14 22:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
now to read