Creating a Person from my Love for not Pulling Out (884 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.1 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2008-08-22 10:31:17 EDT
I am going to be a dad in less than 3 weeks. It's a little unnerving. There's a laundry list of things that I am worried about; I'm leaving money out of it because that's a given...
I was starting to compile my fears and concerns in my head and realized that I had to remove some smut from the ole spank bank. I figure that if I record my concerns in writing, there will still be room for that mental picture that I keep of Kathy Bates in the hot tub scene from About Schmidt. I'm not giving that one up.
I'm not really looking for advice. I'm just venting and maybe someone might get a laugh at my expense.
1. What if my son is ugly? I'm not talking about first-born, alien bursting from my happy place ugly. I'm talking about 6 years old, kids running from him on the playground for fear of contagions kind of ugly. The kind of ugly kid that people want to punch the parents. I don't want to get punched. I hate getting punched. Especially in the balls.
2. What if the boy is stupid? I hope that he's not stupid. If he's stupid, he better be tard stupid. At least he would have superhuman strength and a rosy outlook on life. Or if he's stupid, I hope that he's dashingly handsome / stupid. Like pussy-paralyzing good looking. I am that shallow.
3. I was just getting in trouble for masturbating in the computer chair the other day when I came to the realization that my comfortable "empty house" jerks are now going to be few and far between. And so ends an era...
4. I made a decree to the wife: Whosoever possesses the funny, his or her offenses shall be overlooked. If something that should be a punishable offense happens to be funny to me, I'm not going to be able prosecute said offense. That's the kind of parent that I'll most likely be. If the boy manages to write the opening lines of the Spongebob theme song on the wall with fecal ink, then the wife better lay the law down. The very definition of funny shit...
5. Hear this now: I will not take my newborn to restaurants, movie theaters or social gatherings of adults. Living in Virginia Beach, I've noticed the prevalence of infants mingling (read: crying and screaming) with adults. I was at Outback the other day and there was a young childlike troll wailing and crying at the booth behind ours. The mouth breathing couple allowed him to scream for several minutes before mommy promptly removed her booby for dinner time. Take him to the facking car. Christ. On a side note, I have discovered how the Girls Gone Wild crew gets those confused young women to bare their breasticles.
There's more but I haven't posted in awhile and I'm bored. Feel free to entertain me. We're trying to think of names that are original like Apple and Shitbird Fuckstopper but we don't want to anger the babies that made those names famous. Any suggestions?
User Reviews
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-26 05:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations.
Maverick, my first born son will certainly be called Maverick.
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-25 13:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
optimus. I would love to have that name.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-08-25 12:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Congrats on your impending demon seed. You live in the Beach, huh? I'm down the road in Chesapeake.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-25 10:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Me too.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-08-25 09:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I always thought you were gay?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-23 10:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always been partial to "Odiferous."
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-08-23 07:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Two words: Julius Caesar
We all have had those fears. Don't worry. Check mine out:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117702
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-22 17:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boy do I have advice for you. If he is ugly, scar his face immediately so when he grows up, people will be focused on his grotesque scar rather than his hideous face.
Good luck with having a norm. Statistics are against us now.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would be weird to see a two headed crotch. Sounds like a mythical creature.
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http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_jez_chronicles_part_1.phtml#613
It happens, read the story
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would be weird to see a two headed crotch. Sounds like a mythical creature.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 17:56:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
The ultrasound showed 2 huge balls. I'm not sure if they were magnifying the image or if my son's a freak of nature.
How about Johnson Peters?
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2 huge balls = 2 heads
Congratulations! You're having a two headed boy/girl freak of nature.
On the off chance you're lucky and he does have big balls, how about Sammy Spunksalot?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 12:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The ultrasound showed 2 huge balls. I'm not sure if they were magnifying the image or if my son's a freak of nature.
How about Johnson Peters?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-22 12:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely a boy then? What if he's not quite a boy? What if he's half girl? Or even worst, what if he has 2 heads?
Chuck Nonsense
For some reason the first name that popped into my head for no particular reason other than it did.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-22 12:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even funnier if it's a girl.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-22 12:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Name him James T. Kirk, Just to be a dick.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grand Moff Tarkin...and I just got a bit nerdier
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
name it "magnus xavier"
holy fuck that would rule
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cool. I realize that I am poster child for obscurity.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is awsome, King EMC IV. Just skip the III, it will throw people off when they se that you are II.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excuse me for not Googling your family tree, EMC II.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He'll be the EMC the third.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you considered Eatmecompletely, Jr?
Submitted by Aussie_em (user info) at 2008-08-22 11:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
call the little fucker michelangelo. not after that poofter painter, but after that bad ass ninja turtle.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
King is a pretty cool name. With a name like King, he'd have to be a hitman or a mob boss.
King Enlarged Testicle Sterling has a nice ring to it.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Name him King "insert your full name here". That is what I am going to name my son if I have one.
King Bob E Sandwich, yeah, I like the sound of that. Sounds kind of regal.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, just no.
I hate these posts so Goddamn much.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can't have -2 kids unless you kill four children. Two of your own and you'd probably need to adopt two from third world countries.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No worries. I'm sure he will be adorable and witty. I'm rarely wrong about these things. Besides, all Uber kids are cute. Corn-nugget's baby is so cute he literally makes me want to barf. And did you see Siren's kid? My God.
Anyway, congratulations. Name him Ryan Seacrest.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your kid wont be ugly. It's impossible!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call it 'Hogan'.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 kids
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With a name like Shitbird, how can you not be the Fuckstopper?!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My sis just had her first kid two weeks ago so I think I can empathize. Good luck with all that.