A Brief History of the Girls I’ve Kissed (Part 1) (1338 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.9 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-08-11 11:19:27 EDT
I don't know what the average age is for a first kiss, but it seemed to take me forever to experience that particular joy. I was twelve years old when it finally happened, and while that doesn't seem particularly late when I look back on it, I had the firm belief at the time that I was well and truly lagging behind my friends. They were all (allegedly) kissing girls so prolifically that I felt compelled to invent a fake tryst with a girl I supposedly met while holidaying in a caravan with my mum, just to appease them.
That bought me a little time from their teasing, but I needed to kiss a girl that was known to them before they could truly trust that I was 'one of them.' I was rather an introverted, sensitive child, and the knowledge that I was missing something my friends seemed so familiar with was deeply embarrassing.
Such worries now seem ridiculous, but I remember quite clearly that I had kissing in mind when I asked Leanne, a cute blonde who lived a few streets away, if she would be my girlfriend. Leanne had kissed one of my friends, Bobby, at least six times.
I was confident that she would repeat such sluttish behaviour with me, and so I was both delighted and terrified when she agreed quite readily that I could be her new boyfriend. Back then, relationships were established and destroyed through the simple playground politics of asking a friend to ask her friend on my behalf.
I had built kissing up so much in my mind that I was quite nauseous at the prospect of it. The usual paranoia built up within: would she laugh at me? Would I make myself out to be a completely useless wally? What on earth was I actually going to do?! Then, with a terrible sense of dread, I realised I didn't even know how to kiss.
What was the technique? How did one know where to position the mouth, or the intricacies of that strange chewing motion they displayed in the James Bond movies? It was not as though I could practise, as my few attempts to do so with the bathroom mirror proved.
My first kiss, with Leanne, was terrible. With hindsight, I was probably too young, and not interested enough to enjoy the sensation. I was only kissing her because I thought I had to and I wanted to prove that I could. I wanted my friends to know that I had. I walked her home, after several hours of delaying the inevitable, and bid her a fond goodnight at the top of her garden path. She pulled me towards her and stuffed her tongue into my mouth without any warning. I stood there, open-mouthed, with bulging eyes.
I was aghast and repulsed. I couldn't believe how much tongue, or saliva, Leanne was forcing into my open mouth. I barely moved my lips, and when it was over (after a sickening minute and a half) I practically ran home, with a sense of utter violation in my heart. The next day I dumped her, through the usual channels. This turned out to be a rather hasty decision, as it was to be nearly three years before I enjoyed a proper snog again.
The great kissing drought was punctuated by juvenile games of 'spin the bottle' and an intriguing contest known as 'suck and blow', which involved passing a slip of paper in a circle from mouth to mouth. No doubt, both games were entirely unhygienic but they made me feel a lot better about the art of kissing after my awful debut with Leanne. I don't know how many girls I kissed during such games, nor their names, but it was no great number.
The only memorable occasions were when I snogged a girl called Emily, who was two years older than myself and rather attractive. That felt like a landmark, and I took great assurance from the knowledge that no-one ever looked particularly disgusted when they had to kiss me. In fact, on one occasion I enjoyed a somewhat more passionate than normal clinch with a pretty girl called Laura, who used her tongue in a slightly less aggressive manner and made a wonderfully subtle moaning noise as we kissed. She was to later tell one of my friends that I was the best kisser she'd come across, and such praise worked wonders for my confidence.
By the time I was nearly fifteen, I was desperate to find someone who would kiss me because they actually wanted to, rather than through obligation to the rules of a game. My wish became reality at the school's Christmas dance when I found myself dancing with a plain-faced girl called Adele, who was a renowned whore (of sorts: she'd been fingered in the park by one of my mates, and there were rumours that she'd wanked off an older guy in his car).
While she was by no means particularly good-looking, the closeness of her body as we slow danced caused an embarrassing swelling in my trousers, and as it pushed itself into her stomach (she was considerable shorter than myself), she smiled, and leaned in for a kiss. Adele was a nice kisser, nothing more. She had a habit of not opening her mouth particularly wide, which was more than welcome after the watery suction technique employed by Leanne. I would kiss Adele three more times over the coming month, and when she dumped me I rather missed her gentle touch and slightly hairy upper lip. We were to stay friends, and she turned into a tramp of rather epic proportions once her breasts had filled out.
During my years of struggle, I played a lot of rugby and found myself at inside-centre for both the school and the local team. Unfortunately, I was one of only a few in my age-group that wanted to play, and so throughout my short career I played in and against teams who were at least two years older than myself. Two years is a lot when one is only fourteen; my teammates and opponents had sideburns and deep voices and girlfriends, but once they'd seen that I was reasonably fearless in the tackle and a neat handler of the ball, they accepted me despite my youth and smaller frame.
Anybody who thinks that rugby is bereft of violence or contact at this level is mistaken. In two years playing and training, I was concussed three times, suffered whiplash (my own fault for tackling a lad that resembled an onrushing steam train with my head) and was dragged semi-conscious from a particularly well-packed maul. In one particularly brutal battle, an opposition played bit my pinky so skilfully that he broke it.
The regular training and weight-lifting developed my arms and turned me from a skinny lad into a broad-shouldered young man. I started shaving my chin and after a while the first hints of stubble began to sprout from my cheeks. Just as I was getting seriously into the rugby (selected to represent my county for my age-group), I was told that I needed braces, on both my top and bottom teeth.
The orthodontist said that he could make special gum-shields that would allow me to keep playing, but at considerable risk to my mouth. One heavy hit could damage my teeth irreparably, since the braces would loosen them in the first place. I decided to retire from rugby, at the age of sixteen, for the sake of my smile. By the time the braces came off, all the other lads had grown and developed into such beasts that I restricted myself to some light training, and never played for the team or my school again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-12 05:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/118082
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-08-12 02:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did someone say "anally violated"???
PLUS TWOOOOOOO!!!
Submitted by chitowngirl (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i must have a reading disorder. too long and it said "kissed". maybe when we were teenagers it would have been interesting. next time say "anally violated". then hidden will hang here all night and up your ranking.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-11 22:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that's a rather dismal no. of girls. you should be ashamed of yourself.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-11 20:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs to be 100% more written by a girl-er
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-11 19:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-11 08:40:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually wrote an awful lot more than this, but I know the attention span on uber wanes after 1000 words or so.
So I decided to split it up and that's why it ends rather abruptly. Part 2 will follow on.
=====
Seems to me that if a long post happens to be good, it will still fetch a good rating.
Besides, random "wtf im not reading all that" -2's make the internet go 'round.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Why did this turn from what every fucking kid alive experiences to your retirement from rugby?"
I second that. If rugby = american football equivalent in wherever the hell you are from, you should have been a real playboy in high school and not a sad nerd. I'm guessing you played in some sad regional B-league populated by losers and retards who had parents with connections and are trying to expand it out of proportion.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was fine up to a point, but...
"and when she dumped me I rather missed her gentle touch and slightly hairy upper lip."
Umm, what? I think you have issues, dude. +2 anyway.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joosyloosy (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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LOL@Alter
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-11 16:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This story should be a helluva lot shorter.
I've seen your picture.
Now, "boys" you've kissed? probably a 3-parter.
Submitted by Jack_of_Spades (user info) at 2008-08-11 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the post was meh!
see everyone else's comments regarding trailing off & such & such.
but the comment by BobSandwich, I literally had to stop myself from laughing out loud at work!
I just haven't figured out if I am laughing WITH you or AT you!
Either way...oh look!
...Something shiny!
...
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-11 14:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to try and read this 4 times over... I'll explain why later.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-11 14:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed reading this.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-11 13:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
40 year old virgin 2 below.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. So many stories are running through my head right now. I dated this girl for a while, and she was really a nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. She was like, any time of day,
she was like:"Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty."
And I'd be nailing her.
She'd be like: "Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."
She loved to dirty-talk. Totally into it.
She'd be like: "Yeah, let's screw, let's... I wanna fuck."
God, it was so dirty.
She'd be like, "Me so horny, me love you long time."
Yeah, she had great tits. You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's...
And you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are lucky, I once witnessed Jeanneee kill a man twice her size with her bare hands.
LUCKY.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I blagged my first kiss from an unsuspecting young lass on the school bus during a game of truth or dare.
probobly scarred her for life, I believe I approached that kiss like I approach an ice cream cone when you get down to the cone, that poor girl got mauled.
score.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgive you. Next time though, you die. I have Shlongy's thugs on standby.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trailing off into rugby land was an annoyance. Even with truncating the last four paragraphs, this wasn't all that entertaining. Not awful, just...not good. I bet you'd do a wonderful post on Purgatory.
Submitted by joosyloosy (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just scraped a plus 1 because you explained in your comments that the post is sliced in 2. The second part had better go back to the kissing thing because as it stands it makes no bloody sense.
Proof reading may or may not have alerted you to how odd the post comes across without part2
:p
-P
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-11 12:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post forces me to rethink my policy of +2 for rugby content.
"while holidaying in a caravan with my mum"
Don't you mean "_whilst_ holidaying in a caravan with my mum" Nancy?
Submitted by FlintofFred (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skee (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stick to the subject next time.
Posting---something ur not good at
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With all due respect, I was expecting this post to be blank :(
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GODDAMNIT. I fucking *hate* it when Sico makes me laugh.
:-(
Submitted by Mr_Asshat (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With all due respect, I was expecting this post to be blank :(
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually wrote an awful lot more than this, but I know the attention span on uber wanes after 1000 words or so.
So I decided to split it up and that's why it ends rather abruptly. Part 2 will follow on.
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With all due respect, I was expecting this post to be blank :(
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So there you were talking about kissing and stuff before telling us about your brief rugby playing past and forgetting about the kissing all together.
so all I can deduce is that you havent had a kiss since Adele dumped you. This was not very interesting young Flash.
Thank goodness it is only part 1
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh.
Yeah.
I guess.
What the fuck is a snog?
Why did this turn from what every fucking kid alive experiences to your retirement from rugby?
Rugby is a cool game. I played twice (it's not so popular here in the states). Both times I got beaten to a pulp.
I'm eating a bag of Goldfish.
Mmmmm, Goldfish.
Damn those Chinee sure can dive.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I decided to retire from rugby, at the age of sixteen, for the sake of my smile.
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And a lovely smile it is to I'll bet.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how I should rate so I'm leaving this at zero.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ummmm??
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll read this but if you do one about the guys you've kissed...I'm out