Art Class: Fake Scissors, Real Scars (1479 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.94 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2008-07-22 22:37:02 EDT
Clear off your desks, its time for Art Class.
Those were the most beautiful words in the world in fourth grade. It didn't matter if you received a check minus on your last math test because now was the time that you got to be free. You want to make paper plate faces? Go for it. How about a macaroni picture? Dream big, little one. Want to make a purple horse? Get therapy, homo.
As everyone knows, there are two art teachers. One is the young and nearly ethereal, soft spoken, compliment spewing free spirit. The other is a mid-fifties, femullet wearing, raging dyke that hurls "constructive criticisms" on how you should use a ruler to cut a straight line. Seriously, use the ruler. For God's sake if you don't use the ruler you aren't getting a star for the day.
I digress.
Everyone has their favorite type of art project. You know the one where you blow up balloons and wrap them in paper maché to make some retarded caricature and sneaking licks of delicious paste when people weren't looking? How about the coloring/painting one where your desk (and sometimes someone's face) became the canvas rather than that little piece of construction paper?
Me? I was down with anything that involved those plastic bastard children of scissors.
It's absolutely ridiculous, I know. Those fucking bi-colored paper crimpers fascinated the shit out of me. Two colors. Two! It didn't matter that they couldn't cut a hot sauerkraut fart as long as I got my digits around that pair of red and white scissors. Sure, there were other colors but they were vastly inferior in my mind.
There is probably only one thing you can use the scissors for.
Snowflakes.
Horribly misshapen and surprisingly square snowflakes.
Listen, I don't even know how you can cut one piece of flat construction paper without the scissors bucking and snapping your wrist like a piece of dry angel hair pasta let alone a piece folded up five times. For that, you needed the BFG of grade school scissors.
The teacher's scissors.
Those big ass black handled shears would cut your little finger down to the nub so there was no way that you would ever be allowed to get your hands on them but that was fine with me. Whenever the art teacher came over to help with the cutting she would bend over the tiny desk and flash some boobage. You don't realize it the first couple times until you find yourself asking for more and more help cutting until you are sitting in front of a pile of confetti.
One day my friend cut up his Dr. Pepper chap stick into little round chucks with his scissors and dared me to eat it. Hey, I like Dr. Pepper, why the fuck not? I tried a whole chunk and spit it out and vividly remember quoting Paul Hogan, "You can eat it but it tastes like shit." Silence fell in the classroom like a quadriplegic falling out of their chair, hard and fast. I stared in wide eyed realization of what I had said as I waited for the art teacher's reaction.
Nothing.
Not even a twitch as she just glanced at me and telepathically shot me a message that she heard it but it better not happen again. That's when I knew that my scissors had magical properties. I didn't think there was anything I couldn't do.
There was a girl with shitty braids that I liked/hated and was constantly tormenting. The next logical step for my nine year old mind was to sneak up behind her and cut a piece of her braid off. I only succeeded in making her cry and giving her split ends. I was warned that if I tried that crap again that I would have my scissor privileges permanently revoked. I was to only use them on paper.
Fair enough.
I went over to the rich kid who seemed to have everything cool and the type that you instantly hated because he was a smug little fuck yet you hung out with him because maybe he'd let you play Tetris on his GameBoy for five minutes. He was particularly adept at making the chain of paper people and always showed them off. When he went to get tape to make them look like a ring of people I swooped in and tried cutting the heads off of all the paper dolls. The first two were easy and I thought it was going to be carnage but the last ones I had to leave with broken necks because the paper kept bending.
Somehow I got the idea to sharpen my pencil like a badass by holding them open and rubbing them vigorously on my pencil inside my desk. I treated it like operation because if you hit the top or sides of the desk it would be pretty loud. In retrospect it probably looked like I was beating off into my desk every ten seconds. A kid tried to take the #2 pungee stick I made and I slashed at his hand leaving a dull red mark. He retaliated by stabbing me with his mechanical pencil and breaking the graphite off in my forearm. I tried to turn it into biology class by giving him a quick and dirty circumcision but the teacher was keeping an eye on me. That kid was fucking lucky because that fracas would have ended in tears.
There were mini battles going on all over the classroom with kids trying to stab/cut/slice one another until shit got real. The class bully decided it would be a good idea to try and cut off a girls skirt when the teacher caught him. That was the end of scissors for a long time.
Every Tuesday I wondered if I would get my scissors back. I took no joy in painting and making paper plate tambourines. Not even the other extra curricular classes could make me forget those God damned two toned weapons of mass deformation. Fuck the parachute in gym class and the recorder in music class. Give me those carpal tunnel inducing, finger hole sharper than the blade art class standard. I can almost hear the dull squeak and scrape of plastic trying to cut paper now...
User Reviews
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember art class. It was only ever fun if we were destroying things.
I remember the year that I dropped the subject. I looked at the course components for the year and 90% of it was fucking theory about dead cunts. I don't give a fuck what they did or what motivated them to do it, I just want to wreck stuff.
The teachers were sexy little bitches too. We were all pretty sure they were lesbians but that didn't prevent us from trying to fuck them. They had alot of patience for hormonal little turds those two.
Brought back memories this story.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-07-27 05:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me remember making acrylic bongs in class and calling them vases.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-07-25 19:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-07-25 16:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember anything before grade 11.
I think it was all the glue I ate/sniffed/smoked.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-07-25 06:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-07-24 12:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always had to use the lefty scissors. You know, the ones with the green handle. They embedded into the ceiling better because the tips weren't rounded like the righty scissors.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2008-07-24 08:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey post +2, good post +2, funny reviews +2.
It's weird, because we were talking about this stuff at work this morning. I'd misadvisedly painted my thumb nail with tipp ex before remembering how hard that shit is to get off again and things just went from there.
My mum still has some fucking lurid dough shapey thingies I made to hang on the christmas tree. I think our squash had LSD in it back then because I'm not sure where I was going with the colour combo - it's pretty seizure inducing.
Ahhh, the memories.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 01:10:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EI and doodles get that very same sensation from splooge, if they start emailing you and banging on about it a court order will put it right.
---
D_R is just upset because he wanted us to cameo in his lame Eighty Force shit.
And we were all like 'naw bitch we ain't doin' yo shit ho. Go suck a cock and get out of here with your stanky ass'
And then we threw small rocks at him until he ran away crying.
Then we kissed.
--------------------
We are ALWAYS doing that kissing thing.
I thought it was because you couldn't find your chapstick.
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-07-23 21:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My art teacher was a jackass... a professional artist/singer who had a gigantic ego, and who NEVER gave us enough time to actually finish a project. Lots of technique and 5th graders don't really mix well...
I used to do the glue thing, too. Maybe that's why I turned kind of stupid??
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-23 20:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love getting glue on my fingers and peeling it off once it had dried, like a second skin.
--------------
EI and doodles get that very same sensation from splooge, if they start emailing you and banging on about it a court order will put it right.
---
D_R is just upset because he wanted us to cameo in his lame Eighty Force shit.
And we were all like 'naw bitch we ain't doin' yo shit ho. Go suck a cock and get out of here with your stanky ass'
And then we threw small rocks at him until he ran away crying.
Then we kissed.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-23 19:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
think about you in the summer time, whoa oh, and all the good times we had baby
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-07-23 18:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We got airheads at the end of the week.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-07-23 15:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...she would bend over the tiny desk and flash some boobage." - Ahh, the memories. My art teacher was some ample breasted blonde Australian; fuck she was gorgeous. Thinking back I almost feel the need to indulge in some 'tosstalgia'.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-23 12:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
parachute...we never had those at school. My kids did though, didn't you put a ball in the middle and it flew all around? Good read.
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Silence fell in the classroom like a quadriplegic falling out of their chair, hard and fast."
- This is perhaps the greatest line ever written.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun story.
AND THAT IS THE SCARIEST SPIDER EVER.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember Brdn_Nkd, Im a politician now.
I can weasel my way out of anything!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A Yozz Fave - http://www.ubersite.com/u/Yozz/l/favorites
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 14:30:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper mache! Or however its spelt, im not even sure its a proper word. But how much fun was that, making a mess. Thats all, nothing more nothing less. You even got to paint it!! Painiting mess is AMAZING!
Oh and B@W, you are my new favourite user.
your noob is showing em. Donkey's almost as "old" as me.
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Umm I said new favourite user not favourite new user.
There is a difference.
I know he's old skool.
oh. i never claimed i could read. a thousand pardons sir
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
joedady's right, the smell of the first day of a new year in grade school was awesome... pencil boxes and crayons and glue and construction paper and even the godawful stench issuing from the cafeeteria all combine together to make something magical.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 14:30:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper mache! Or however its spelt, im not even sure its a proper word. But how much fun was that, making a mess. Thats all, nothing more nothing less. You even got to paint it!! Painiting mess is AMAZING!
Oh and B@W, you are my new favourite user.
your noob is showing em. Donkey's almost as "old" as me.
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Umm I said new favourite user not favourite new user.
There is a difference.
I know he's old skool.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was all about the parachute.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper mache! Or however its spelt, im not even sure its a proper word. But how much fun was that, making a mess. Thats all, nothing more nothing less. You even got to paint it!! Painiting mess is AMAZING!
Oh and B@W, you are my new favourite user.
your noob is showing em. Donkey's almost as "old" as me.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"For that, you needed the BFG of grade school scissors."
I wasn't sure whether or not it'd be a +2 at first, but the Doom reference sealed it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey? sweet! now to read.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember making collages, cutting out pages from newspapers.
So you had maggie thatcher, gary lineker and george bush snr, that was it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I miss the part where we all eat paste?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked when we'd make shavings from crayons and then the teacher would iron them between two pieces of wax paper. That was awesome. I also loved making snowflakes out of popsicle sticks. My Mom still hangs that shit on the tree. I'll show it to you at Christmas.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-07-23 07:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CALLED THE TRIANGLE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 06:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:52:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love getting glue on my fingers and peeling it off once it had dried, like a second skin.
--------------
EI and doodles get that very same sensation from splooge, if they start emailing you and banging on about it a court order will put it right.
--------------
Yeah right. Like Australian court orders are real, pah.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 06:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The spatula shortage was nothing. When it was time for music, there would be a mad charge to get a recorder, cos if you didn't you would have to hold a wooden ruler up to your mouth and hum.
This is really sad, but when I was young I was very into calligraphy. Even now, on the rare occasions when I write by hand, I have a rather neat script.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 06:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:52:00 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
In my school there were only a few spatulas and we had to fight for them. If you didn't get a spatula you had to fashion one out of a piece of card.
I used to love tracing. I don't think I was ever more happy than when tracing a picture of a dinosaur.
--------------------------------------
Dear lord, short of spatulas? Where did you go to school, Poland??
I was crap at tracing, truly. Handwriting was, and still is, my forte. I have granny style, spidery handwriting. I have the most beautiful fountain pen. I ought to camwhore it but I am working on a post about my back garden. If I get the new house, I will have to dig a lot of it up to take and I want to pay it tribute.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love getting glue on my fingers and peeling it off once it had dried, like a second skin.
--------------
EI and doodles get that very same sensation from splooge, if they start emailing you and banging on about it a court order will put it right.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my school there were only a few spatulas and we had to fight for them. If you didn't get a spatula you had to fashion one out of a piece of card.
I used to love tracing. I don't think I was ever more happy than when tracing a picture of a dinosaur.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The glue was always in empty, cleaned yogurt pots. You used this dinky plastic stapular, in primary colours, to spread the paste.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love getting glue on my fingers and peeling it off once it had dried, like a second skin.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, this line won it for me too..
"That kid was fucking lucky because that fracas would have ended in tears."
Winnar.
p.s. We did that parachute shit once, only once. Weak.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, did you spend the night together and not phone him back?
Shit happens, he'll get over you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just saying that to make him feel special.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 09:23:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper mache! Or however its spelt, im not even sure its a proper word. But how much fun was that, making a mess. Thats all, nothing more nothing less. You even got to paint it!! Painiting mess is AMAZING!
Oh and B@W, you are my new favourite user.
----------------------------------
Stalk him el, spam style!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper mache! Or however its spelt, im not even sure its a proper word. But how much fun was that, making a mess. Thats all, nothing more nothing less. You even got to paint it!! Painiting mess is AMAZING!
Oh and B@W, you are my new favourite user.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, are you that once-fat guy who gets emotional about resizing pics?
I like you.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was super lovely.
Thank you.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-23 02:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was amusing.
But really, the plus two is for the last line of LadyPlural's comment.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-07-23 02:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used a pair of those scissors to give this one girl who was in my kindergarten class a haircut during recess. See, her mother wouldn't let her get a shorter haircut, but she really wanted one. So I snuck out a pair of those scissors to the playground, and we kind of huddled in a corner and I cut just a little bit of her hair, but then the other side looked uneven, so I trimmed that side, and then it still looked lopsided, so... You get the idea. Her hair ended up being a good six inches shorter than it had been when I was done, and about eight inches shorter than it had been when the actual hairdresser had finished repairing the damage.
This was the same girl who let me pull two of her baby teeth out, because they were loose and kind of hurt her, and I wasn't afraid of blood.
Her parents let me continue to associate with her, but they always told me I'd grow up to be a hairdresser/dentist.
Tragically, her coolness apparently peaked at age six, as she grew up to be a complete and utterly vapid bitch.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i sure remember the wonderful smells of the ink, paper, glue, etc...they're probably all considered carcinogenic now
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
But let's see them play dodge ball now!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, but one time some kids filled my shoe up with sand, so I threw all of the recess balls over the fence.
I was the only one who got in trouble.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you ever put somebody into the parachute and toss them around? we always tried to do that when the teachers turned around for one second.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That, and you get to look at the girls' legs when the parachute is up.
I went to Catholic school.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the lore of the parachute."
nice explainin' haiku...
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think part of it had to do with the lore of the parachute. In what other situation would a third grader get to touch a *real* parachute? At least, I never had parachute privileges outside of P.E.
And then once you get your tiny paws on them, what else would you do besides flap it up and down for half an hour?
Makes sense to me.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah. what was up with that?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-22 21:01:03 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. did every kid in this country go to the exact same school? cos i know all about all of this shit.
and what was up with that parachute stuff? i remember i liked it but i'm not sure what the point was.
======
You mean that one activity where everyone stands in a giant circle, holding the ends of a parachute flapping it up and down?
Because that shit rocked.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. did every kid in this country go to the exact same school? cos i know all about all of this shit.
and what was up with that parachute stuff? i remember i liked it but i'm not sure what the point was.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The class bully decided it would be a good idea to try and cut off a girls skirt when the teacher caught him.
------------------
Creepy.
I bet this guy's in prison right now for fucking his daughter.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My scissors function poorly *and* only have one color.
I live a sad life.
(that's not true)
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I like Dr. Pepper, why the fuck not?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
[Y]/N
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That kid was fucking lucky because that fracas would have ended in tears."
Jesus, what a great line.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was the most pointless thing i've ever enjoyed reading.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two colors. Two!
I forgot all about them until now. I still have Dr Pepper lip stuff.
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Want to make a purple horse? Get therapy, homo.
It wasn't a horse it was a unicorn i swear!!!
that's not gay right!?!? right you guys???
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-22 22:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it! I forgot to change the angel hair pasta line.
I mean, good post +2