20-something part 1 (780 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.21 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by loveinbrevity (View user info) at 2008-07-21 03:18:41 EDT
"Babe", he heard Ally call from the next room of the apartment.
Their apartment was nice enough for two kids fresh out of college. The furniture was modest yet
presentable. The decorations were tacky but not gaudy. The whole apartment looked as though
someone had attempted to replicate a page in a pier one catalog by using items purchased at
Target, Wal-Mart, and Ikea.
"Babe", Ally called again. You could tell from the change in her tone that she was growing
slightly annoyed. He put down the anthology he was studying. He stood up, closed his eyes and
sighed heavily. He met Ally in the next room.
She smiled at him brightly and lovingly when he walked in. Ally was a pretty girl. Her
beauty was subtle and not intimidating in the least. She was the kind of girl you didn't realize
was pretty unless you looked twice. Her features were soft. He skin was pale. Her hair was long,
smooth, and red. It fell softly around her face accentuating her soft blue eyes. Her lips were
thin and her teeth were big. Her big teeth however only added charm and character to her otherwise
unremarkable face.
He returned her smile with a blank stare. They have been together for just over six years.
They had started dating in high school and kept going right through college. Upon graduation they
had decided to move in together. Ally was all he knew of love. He was fond of her. He could
remember a time when he was passionate about her. There was a point in his life when he loved her
air of sophistication. She was always more mature than the other girls her age. As they grew older
her air of sophistication became more easily mistaken for conceit. He maturity kept her from the
bar hopping club scene. She was always above that. When he was younger he loved that about her. He
found the girls who were into that scene to be vapid and shallow. Now that they were out of
college and pretty stable he found himself wanting to go out more often. Her maturity was
beginning to appear more like insipidity.
He continued to stare at her blankly.
"Well..." she said to him appearing slightly irritated.
"Well what?"
"What do you think?"
"What do I think about what?"
"Don't tell me you don't notice."
"I give up. What is it that I'm supposed to notice?"
"That painting your mother bought us. I hung it up on that wall. What do you think?"
"I think that I am studying for my GMAT. The picture looks fine. Please don't bother me
again unless it's important."
"Ok babe. I'm sorry."
He went back to the next room feeling slightly defeated. He reopened his book and starred
at the page. He wasn't reading the words. He was off in thought. He was thinking about his life.
Ever since high school he had a plan. He had a road map for the direction in which his life would
lead. He knew which school he was going to attend. He knew what his major was going to be. He knew
where he would apply for a job. He knew the neighborhood in which he would buy his first home. He
knew Ally would be his wife. At the age of 24 his life was headed in a definite direction with an
inevitable outcome. It was only now that he began to doubt himself. He was itching for
spontaneity. He knew that if he didn't shake things up now. His life would turn out exactly as he
planned. That scared the shit out of him
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-24 05:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there you go Beano, im a super sleuth!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stop stop stop.
stop stop stop stop stop.
stop being a fucking moron.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-22 03:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-21 19:04:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I found this amazingly difficult to read.
seriously.
well in the sense that it read poorly due to formatting
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-21 16:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Waaay before my time. Interesting though.
I'd never share with anyone I use Uber. It is my dirty little secret.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 16:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74909
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 16:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Da Magnificant Dyldo
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-21 16:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoa there tiger, which uber user did you date? will we know him? oooh, you simply must spill the beans...
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 15:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not even a little. Some guy I'm dating showed me that he used to have one. I read like two of his post and decided i wanted one. I had no idea what the hell i was getting into.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-21 15:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 20:53:45 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is MRR?
--------------------------
Most recently reviewed.
See left.
Did you even lurk, lady??
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 15:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is MRR?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-21 14:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I found this amazingly difficult to read.
seriously.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-21 12:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Formatting....
Choppy sentences...
The last line just sucked balls. (I'm very mature I know)
You're trying to paint a picture of either the situation or the characters. If this were a painting, it would look like 3 blobs, with one color overlaying the whole picture. It might distract that there is nothing defined or finished to catch the attention, it might not.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me realize how much I hate my life.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's dull. Delightfully so. The piece is so uneventful, it's like a mirror of a real couple's life, which is why you got a +2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or MRR, even.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are thoroughly mental, and have sent all my crap old posts through MMR. That kind of dedication deserves a +2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-21 09:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
All your sentences. Are like. This. Please, improve. Now.
Also, you don't need a space between every line - or maybe you do, because then we'd see how short each "chapter" was.
I will, however, give you a +2 if you "get up" (heh heh) the courage to put a sex scene in the next part.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-21 08:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since you mentioned it on your last post, here are my views.
It is a little dull, and some of your word choices are bad. I think you use full stops much too often as I am sure has been mentioned, you need to format more reader friendly. Also, so far I don't like either character.
Finally, starting with 'babe' almost made me click off.
Would have been -1, but you are sweet, so 0. Good luck in the next part.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-21 07:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Teeth like baseballs
Eyes like jellied fire
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-21 06:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Her lips were
thin and her teeth were big.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-21 05:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are expecting somebody to come and mark in the gaps with a red pen teacher style?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-21 05:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fix
your
Formatting.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 09:40:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
No mr. bell you do not have to worry. You are however my uber crush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is customary to +2 everything I have ever written, in that case.
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 16:44:52 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah that was probably a bad word choice. I'm definitly going to change it. I just don't know to what. The story is going to go somewhere. I just didn't want to post it all at once. I'm going to wait a week before i post the second part so as not to get my head chewed off. The plot will thicken i promise. It's not just about his choice it's more about where life is going to take him after he dumps her.
-------------
Spoiler alert!
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah that was probably a bad word choice. I'm definitly going to change it. I just don't know to what. The story is going to go somewhere. I just didn't want to post it all at once. I'm going to wait a week before i post the second part so as not to get my head chewed off. The plot will thicken i promise. It's not just about his choice it's more about where life is going to take him after he dumps her.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm. The formatting is anoying to read but not horrendous. The tale itself was rather dull and didnt really get me wanting more, probably because someone with doubts like he has is actually answering his own questions, yes you should leave. Your use of the word insipidity just made me want to stop reading, it really didnt sit well there for me.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No mr. bell you do not have to worry. You are however my uber crush.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok thanks. Now I know for next time. Thank you for your help. PS i liked the sally anecdote. It made me laugh.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 09:29:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Almost doesn't count Mr.Bell. I have missed you. The only reason i posted again was to see if you would say hi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And this made me feel a bit weird. I don't have to worry about this, do I?
*looks around nervously*
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, you shouldn't leave it in block text, but you should have some understanding of when to break up the paragraphs so you don't have to double-space every line like a complete dill-weed. For example;
Sally had just met Jack, and even though it seemed like they were going to frolic forever it runed out that they just frolicked for about fifteen minutes. They did frolic in the sunflowers, however, which made the frolicking that much more special for both of them; for they had both loved sunflowers as children, and relished the smell of them now.
"Do you want to frolic some more?" said Sally.
"No, not really." replied Jack. "frolicking is for faggots."
But it was too late, for Sally grabbed Jack and they frolicked; frolicked like they would never get the chance to frolic again; because they loved life, and they loved the meadow and the sunflowers, and they loved to frolic. So they frolicked some more.
Just then an asteroid hit the earth and both Sally and Jack died, along with the rest of humanity.
And they never frolicked again.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
F.J FTW
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I haven't changed any words, but the below is SO much easier on the eye.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Babe", he heard Ally call from the next room of the apartment. Their apartment was nice enough for two kids fresh out of college. The furniture was modest yet presentable. The decorations were tacky but not gaudy. The whole apartment looked as though someone had attempted to replicate a page in a pier one catalog by using items purchased at Target, Wal-Mart, and Ikea.
"Babe", Ally called again. You could tell from the change in her tone that she was growing slightly annoyed. He put down the anthology he was studying. He stood up, closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He met Ally in the next room.
She smiled at him brightly and lovingly when he walked in. Ally was a pretty girl. Her beauty was subtle and not intimidating in the least. She was the kind of girl you didn't realize was pretty unless you looked twice. Her features were soft. He skin was pale. Her hair was long, smooth, and red. It fell softly around her face accentuating her soft blue eyes. Her lips were thin and her teeth were big. Her big teeth however only added charm and character to her otherwise unremarkable face.
He returned her smile with a blank stare. They have been together for just over six years.
They had started dating in high school and kept going right through college. Upon graduation they had decided to move in together. Ally was all he knew of love. He was fond of her. He could remember a time when he was passionate about her. There was a point in his life when he loved her air of sophistication. She was always more mature than the other girls her age.
As they grew older her air of sophistication became more easily mistaken for conceit. He maturity kept her from the bar hopping club scene. She was always above that. When he was younger he loved that about her. He found the girls who were into that scene to be vapid and shallow. Now that they were out of college and pretty stable he found himself wanting to go out more often. Her maturity was beginning to appear more like insipidity.
He continued to stare at her blankly.
"Well..." she said to him appearing slightly irritated.
"Well what?"
"What do you think?"
"What do I think about what?"
"Don't tell me you don't notice."
"I give up. What is it that I'm supposed to notice?"
"That painting your mother bought us. I hung it up on that wall. What do you think?"
"I think that I am studying for my GMAT. The picture looks fine. Please don't bother me again unless it's important."
"Ok babe. I'm sorry."
He went back to the next room feeling slightly defeated. He reopened his book and starred at the page. He wasn't reading the words. He was off in thought. He was thinking about his life.
Ever since high school he had a plan. He had a road map for the direction in which his life would lead. He knew which school he was going to attend. He knew what his major was going to be. He knew where he would apply for a job. He knew the neighborhood in which he would buy his first home. He knew Ally would be his wife.
At the age of 24 his life was headed in a definite direction with an inevitable outcome. It was only now that he began to doubt himself. He was itching for spontaneity. He knew that if he didn't shake things up now. His life would turn out exactly as he planned.
That scared the shit out of him.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so should i just leave it in block text?
-------------
That isn't what BLT said.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Almost doesn't count Mr.Bell. I have missed you. The only reason i posted again was to see if you would say hi.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The dude in this needs to get a fucking grip.
I very nearly re-wrote this for you, fixing the formatting and making the sentences flow more nicely...but I didn't bother in the end.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so should i just leave it in block text?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you don't have to double space. In fact it makes reading it impossible.
Well, not impossible. I suppose if I really tried to read it I could, but I'm not going to really try. Nothing personal.
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't wait for the next part, just hope it will be easier to read.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, whatever you say.....................Colons, Polons, Roll Ons, Pile ons, use them and use them wisely.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 04:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah i have always had a problem with that. Maybe i should try semicolons or conjuctions instead of breaking off my sentences. Thanks for the input.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well thats what I thought, but im no roald dahl.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are my sentences to short and choppy?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-21 03:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I found this amazingly difficult to read.