Wedding Daze (935 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleBint (View user info) at 2008-07-10 06:52:03 EDT
Charming little tale: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117576
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Billy Bob grabbed the nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels and took a hearty sip, ensuring his pinkie was sticking out at the correct angle. His mind was coming to terms with what Mary Loo was saying across the table.
He had come home as usual from the Garage and had tucked into his favourite meal of re-fried beans on waffles with maple syrup thinking that today was just a normal day. Then Mary Loo had dropped her bombshell. He should have had an inkling as to something being up by the fact that she was wearing his favourite outfit.
He had walked in and she had been all sweetness and light wearing her white boob tube with her blue jogging shorts. Her generous bosoms were barely contained and the tattoo of the love heart, with what he was told was his name written on it, was bursting forth. He had taken little time in bending her over the stove and pulling down her shorts, slapping her voluptuous buttocks and grabbing the butter whilst looking at the lovely tattoo of a cross with 'Jesus says yes to the Dirt Track' written below it. A few heaves later and he was sated and had sat down on the sofa with the fresh bottle of Jack.
He scratched his belly as Mary Loo fixed him his meal and laughed at Jerry Springer. All was good with the world, or so he had thought. She had waited until he had finished and had given a belly roar of approval at his sustenance before she dropped her bomb shell. It seemed that after 9 years, 2 kids, 4 hospitalisations and numerous walk in fracture clinic visits she thought they were ready for the next step, Marriage! He had almost choked on his bourbon at that point.
He couldn't afford a marriage! What with paying off some wet-back to do the blood test for him to ensure that he could get away with marrying his sisters daughter he was going to be seriously strapped for an actual 'Ceremony'. Mary Loo was looking so happy and her chubby pale cheeks were glowing, he couldn't remember slapping her so presumed it must be because she was excited. He took a deep breath and decided to say his bit, this was seriously going to interrupt this weekends NASCAR session with the boys.
"Mary Loo Tyler, how are you thinking that we will pay for this here Wedding thing? I'm as broke as a nigger who doesn't do crime! Hell Mary Loo what are you thinking?"
"It's okay Billy Bob I have an idea. I will have a word with Jed at the Waffle house and see if we can do the ceremony in the car park. Then we can have the reception in the Waffle house itself."
"I don't know Mary Loo that sounds awful pricey to me."
"It will be fine because I get my staff discount."
"So you do! I hadn't thought of that. What about the price of a preacher? They don't grow on trees, and I never met a man of god yet who didn't want to get paid."
"Well Grandpa said he would do it. He was a preacher back in the day, before he fell foul of the whiskey, but he says he's ready to go back to it now."
"Well it sounds like everything is sorted then. Hang on a moment. What about a dress? Now that certainly isn't going to be cheap."
"That's all sorted too. I managed to get an old tent from a thrift shop and I have been sowing it up ready.
"Mary Loo you are a dream."
"Why thank you Billy Bob. So should I tell the family?"
"Yeah I guess you should."
Mary Loo shuffled over to the door and threw it open before bellowing at the top of her voice:
"Hey everybody! Billy Bob and Me are Gonna get married! JED is it okay to have it at the Waffle House Car Park?"
"That will be fine Mary Loo, congratulations!"
" Thank you Jed. Everybody! Be at the Waffle House for 9am this Saturday! And Jebediah you had better make sure you aren't wearing that beer stained vest you wore to Cousins Earlene and Cleavon's wedding last month, or I won't be held responsible for beating you senseless!"
A cheer came from the scattered trailers and Mary Loo returned with a beaming smile.
"Hey Mary Loo, maybe we could have it at the House of Pancakes instead!"
"BILLY BOB TYLER! You go wash your mouth out right now, Ma would never talk to me again if we ever went There!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah! I dont know what I would catch.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah! I dont know what I would catch
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The pair of you should just fuck and be done with it.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and back again. You said nothing, and seeing as you seem to be in the minority I will ignore your comments, other than to copy and paste them so that you come back with more of your pointless dribble. It entertains me when you cant help yourself bite. Sad little man!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't hate everything you do here to be honest, in fact I was rather enjoying this until the shitty dialogue. I may have mentioned that.
And yes, you're bang on, everything around this site pretty much is pointless, but it's a worthwhile distraction which I suppose counts for something.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:11:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-10 13:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Shitty dialogue.
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Hahahaha you make me laugh with your crap. Do something worthwhile Hurt and bugger off
=========
And you make me laugh with your slavish desire for ratings. We're all winners!
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And back again little doofus. It isnt about ratings little man, if I was bothered about that I would write something worthwhile. I just find you amusing with your internet persona. You hate everything I do yet here you are comming back like all the time to leave your pointless comments around.
Your reviews, comments and everything you do here is pointless. And that makes me laugh, because to you it means so much more otherwise you wouldnt do it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:11:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-10 13:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Shitty dialogue.
--
Hahahaha you make me laugh with your crap. Do something worthwhile Hurt and bugger off
=========
And you make me laugh with your slavish desire for ratings. We're all winners!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-10 16:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-10 16:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUDES I WON A FIVE THOUSAND SCHOLARSHIP FOR SCHOOL WOOOO WOOO
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-07-10 16:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh this was fucking great.
On a side note, the dichotomy here in FL is so goddamn weird. From my house I can drive 30 minutes west and see all the fags and metrosexuals in St. Petersburg or South Tampa, or I can drive 30 minutes east to Plant City, where they have a 50'+ confederate flag flying at the intersection of the only two major higways in the area.
WTF?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 15:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-10 13:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Shitty dialogue.
--
Hahahaha you make me laugh with your crap. Do something worthwhile Hurt and bugger off
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-07-10 14:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could've used more redneck in the speech...but +2 anyway.
ex; "BILLY BOB TYLER! You go wash your mouth out right now, Ma would never talk to me again if we ever went There!"
- "BILLY BOB TYLER! You go wash yer mouth out right now! Ma'd never speak t'me again if we went thar!"
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That would actually be "worsh" not wash.
I come from a very long line of rednecks. I've seen this scene play out. It was in a trailer park in Rantoul, IL. Billy and Mary Loo were named Buck and Brenda Lee. The wedding was at the Bowling Alley. The reception was in the bowling alley/bar and the grandparents brought KFC for the reception. She made the dress herself because she couldn't find one to fit her. It looked like a toga.
Thank god I moved away.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-10 13:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Shitty dialogue.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-10 13:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beans on waffles? Really?
No you guys are kidding me right?
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-10 12:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your sister sure are lucky to have such a loving family.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-10 12:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, good show
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 11:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yorkshire accents? I dont know, all those silent 'T's and the cups of strong tea with thick sliced bread
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now I'd like to see a British version. Some thick Yorkshire tinks getting married in the kebab shop or something.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Noted below, for Billy Bob and Mary Loo at the Kentucky fried chicken Chritening epsiode
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could've used more redneck in the speech...but +2 anyway.
ex; "Hey everybody! Billy Bob and Me are Gonna get married! JED is it okay to have it at the Waffle House Car Park?"
- "Hey ya'll! Billy Bob and me gettin' married! JED?! It okay to have it at the Waffle House Car Park?"
ex; "BILLY BOB TYLER! You go wash your mouth out right now, Ma would never talk to me again if we ever went There!"
- "BILLY BOB TYLER! You go wash yer mouth out right now! Ma'd never speak t'me again if we went thar!"
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right, you ignorant motherfuckers.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I stand by my double use of "and even performed" as it emphasized how emphatically I harried their kind with grapeshot.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the Patrick O'Brian of redneck fiction, madame; the Herman Melville of blue collar historical literature. Most blokies would think that this is a parody, a spoof, a social satire, but not I.
Living in The Sticks, MN I have observed the redneck in its native element and even performed and even performed social experiments to see how they react to various stressors, such as flying the Union Jack from my deck's aftercastle, or flinging canister shot into their barbecues (they don't care for either). Your portrayal of them is spot on.
Waffle Houses are holy places to rednecks, much as Jerusalem is to Catholics, the Parthenon was to the ancient Greeks, and Kool Aid Man is to black people. The waffle itself serves much the same purpose as the Christian host wafer, and many rednecks believe that the spirit of fallen Nascar warriors (most especially their patron saint Dale Earnhardt Sr) reside in the square divots that honeycomb its crispy surface. A waffle loaded with refried beans (which the spirits eat) and maple syrup (which they use as motor oil) is a holy meal indeed. Billy Bob is surely a shaman or dervish of his redneck kind.
Genius. Pure genius.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have I seen your slot yet? I can't remember.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-10 10:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never fail to amuse me LittleBint.
Thank you. - Love how this must be off the cuff after reading the news post this morning. Good skills!
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-10 09:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You mean there are different grades of Trailer Trash? I didnt know this. What is the difference?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-10 09:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, typical southern trailer trash. Now do a version in northern trailer trash accent to compliment it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-10 09:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A boy can but dream...
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-07-10 08:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so funny because I think I know these people
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-10 08:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me pull out my nine pound hammer and nashville pussy CD's
gonna gas up the truck and do some donuts in the parking garage
thanks!
Submitted by tito (user info) at 2008-07-10 08:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For using the word 'belly'
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-07-10 08:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-10 07:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im getting married in November, this could be a relality.