Near Death by Dirty Sanchez (13632 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2008-06-24 21:35:10 EDT
I've only recently learned the erotic pleasure that can be derived from farting in a pool.
I was in Vegas this weekend and most of my afternoons were spent relaxing in the magnificent pool at the Bellagio, passing godly amounts of gas.
If you haven't tried it, and you're a dude, or a chick with balls, I strongly urge you to do so. When you pass gas, the force of the wind passing from your asshole shoots through the pool like a jet and creates a bubbling sensation in the general vicinity of your balls and the elusive and often misunderstood area between your balls and your asshole. The tickling sensation from the bubbles is heavenly. As if God put on long clip on hooker nails and gave you a sensual itch.
But I digress.
Let's start this story with a definition:
Dirty Sanchez: Dirty Sanchez is a term that originated in the porn industry, particularly films involving ass to mouth action, used to describe the sexual practice of smearing fecal matter under the nose of one's partner. This is not be confused with a Dirty Rodriguez, the cousin of the Dirty Sanchez, which involves a male inserting his penis in a female's ass then transferring the fecal matter from his penis to the female's upper lip.
So like I said, I was in Vegas this weekend for a friend's bachelor party. It was my first time in the city and all the lights, gambling, and girls were a little intimidating and exciting at the same time. I am not a gambler by any means, but Vegas is Vegas, and it's just one of those things you have to do at least once in your life. We were staying at the Bellagio, primarily because we got an amazing deal and although the room and hotel were really nice, it was tough to meet people, especially at the pool, because it was mostly families and old couples. I've seen my fair share of hairy backs, saggy tits, and varicose veins to last a lifetime. But if partial necrophilia is what turns you on, stay at the Bellagio.
I mostly played Blackjack because I don't know how to play anything else, and luckily I found a few $10 tables which is pretty much all I can afford. In addition to it being my first time in Vegas, it was my first time in a casino and I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say "hit me" when I wanted another card. There was a hot ass chick beside me when I learned this lesson and my stupidity coupled with the donkey like asian laughter of the chinese dealer was quite a cock block combination.
Anyways, I won like $30. But...that's an aside.
The real story begins with the strippers.
As I said, I was there for a bachelor party with a bunch of friends and we all chipped in to get him a stripper which was mad expensive, but we were like "fuck it, it's Vegas" so we did it anyway. We started drinking real early on the Saturday and by the time we got back to the room, I was fucking hammered. The stripper called my friend's cell phone to tell him she was on her way which I thought was nice. On the phone, she told my friend how to get the room all set up so she could perform. We were in a room with two queen beds, so we tossed one of the beds on top of the other, and placed a white sheet on the floor where the first bed was. Then we put a chair in the middle.
I was nearest to the door so when the knock came, I went to open it.
It was the stripper...and she was black.
But not just black. Black like the night. Like God came home drunk one night, put her in the oven, and then passed out. And then he woke up the next morning to the smell of smoke and said "oh shit" and ran to the oven, opened the door, and "Ebony" was born (Ebony was her name).
I don't have anything against black girls. I like all girls. But with black girls, I'm down with Beyonce black or Rihanna black or Halle Berry black. This girl was dark black, like her dad was Kofi Annan and her mom was Wesley Snipes.
She came in with her bag full of goodies, grabbed my friend the bachelor, and sat his ass down on the chair while we all watched. She then pulled out an iPod and docking station and put on "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne.
She started doing all sorts of stripper stuff like stripping and grinding and moaning. She then ripped off his shirt and wrote "I love cock" on his back with a permanent marker and an arrow leading to my friend's asshole. I was enjoying this embarrassment very much and let my best buddy know it through a series of homosexual insults.
Unfortunately, that laughter came at a price.
After Ebony did her thang, she wiped her brow and said "Okay honey, your boys was laughin atcha, but now is time fo some revenge."
Jack's eyes lit up.
"Pick any one of yo boys and imma fuck wit em"
I was not there to witness this dialogue. It was later retold to me. During this exchange, I was in the bathroom peeing because I have a weak bladder when I'm drinking.
When I came back, this is the site I saw.
1)All my friends grinning and looking at me in eager anticipation
2)James laughing his ass off
3)Ebony, on her hands and knees, with chocolate sauce all over her ass. (this was a hypothesis I concluded from the bottle of Hershey's syrup laying next to her. I could barely see the chocolate on her ass because of the ridiculous lack of contrast).
My friends grabbed me and sat me down right in front of Ebony's ass.
I looked up at Jack.
"Enjoy your Dirty Sanchez motherfucker" he said.
Ebony then proceeded to grab the back of my head and shove it towards her asshole and the bittersweet smell of Hershey's syrup and ass sweat hit my olfactory receptors like a Mack truck. She started gyrating her ass in my face, all the while bucking her hips and rubbing that sweet Hershey's syrup all over my beautiful mug.
Now here's the thing.
Ebony actually put more than just Hershey's chocolate syrup on her ass. Before she came, she supplemented the Hershey's syrup with crushed peanuts, which I assume were supposed to represent that corn kernel looking shit that you can find in some logs when you've had an upset stomach.
I am allergic to peanuts.
Unbeknownst to me, my face was balls deep into a peanut laden asshole, secretly concealed by a sweet layer of Hershey's chocolate syrup.
If I wasn't so drunk, I would have smelled it right away, but my senses were completely dulled.
After about a minute of rubbing my face in make shift feces, she finished while everyone laughed.
I got up and started stumbling to the bathroom to clean my face but knew immediately that something was wrong. I couldn't breathe.
"Dude...what's that other shit on your face? " Jack said.
I touched my face and in horror, pulled a piece of nut off of my cheek.
"Oh shit" I said.
Before I passed out, all I heard was Ebony scream, "Oh shit, nigga went into anaphylactic shock! Get that nigga some epinephrine!"
I woke up about an hour later in the hospital.
Near death by Dirty Sanchez.
Best near death ever.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-11-08 20:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
book
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-22 15:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious!!
POINTS.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2008-09-22 15:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shitburgers!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-22 14:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-19 19:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best near death indeed.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2008-06-29 11:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not here but it's good to read you again.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol this wa great.
This girl was dark black, like her dad was Kofi Annan and her mom was Wesley Snipes.
I have dated a chick that black. I told her if she was standing in a shadow she had to smile whenever i looked at her.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-06-26 12:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-26 11:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, too much story not enough funny and by definition (yours) there was not Dirty Sanchez here.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-26 03:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha
Glad you didn't die...that would have been hard to explain to the parents. Two things worth mentioning:
1. I am very impressed that stripper not only knows words like 'epinephrine' and 'anaphylactic', but that she recognized the symptoms right away.
2. I read somewhere that the actual origin of the dirty sanchez was during a war between America and Mexico, where American soldiers would actually perform this maneuver on captured Mexican soldiers. I read it in a book that is all about the origins and meanings of sexual terms. However, I cannot verify this information on the internet, which is all-knowing, so I don't know what to think.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-25 23:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ridiculous
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-25 21:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty funny. Great first post!
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2008-06-25 18:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kickin ass and takin names!!!
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giving a plus 2, since this is miles ahead of all the other crap posted lately. That said though, by comicbookguy standards this is only a +1. Entertaining, but not your best.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-told, as usual.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2008-06-25 15:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I may have to leave work early: my eyes are tearing up from laughing and I'm close to hyperventilating.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-25 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-06-25 14:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Huh. I dunno why but this didn't really do much for me. Normally you could blow snot on the screen and I'd +2 it but this one just fell flat for me.
Sorry.
I think it's partially because those kind of wild days are long behind me.
Perhaps I have nigger/syrup/peanut ass in my face envy?
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As if God put on long clip on hooker nails and gave you a sensual itch."
God frowns on that kind of popping off young man. You'll pay for that some day.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a zero until, well, you know.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This line won it for me...
"This girl was dark black, like her dad was Kofi Annan and her mom was Wesley Snipes."
Teh Winnar!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-06-25 10:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Licker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-06-25 10:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'est une question de vie ou de mort!!
Great stuff!
Submitted by cordelia (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA.
Best Stripper Story. Ever.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this +2 rating has nothing to do with the fact that I am shagging your sister,
it's for the entertainment value alone.
well done cbgb
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. I'm allergic to peanuts, too. I hope that stripper had liability insurance.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post more often.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure awesome
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so very wrong and nasty but highly entertaining to read about.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As my breakfast burrito is congealing, I'll be blunt."
Well done.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed an awesome way to not die.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also, we'd all be quite content if you managed to keep this post a month thing going
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
much better
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-25 06:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There were some fucking excellent lines in here. More than a few front pages put together.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-06-25 06:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's why ubersite is good.
"This girl was dark black, like her dad was Kofi Annan and her mom was Wesley Snipes."
Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2008-06-25 06:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
I first started reading this site about 5 years ago or so and your stuff always kept me giggling.
It's great that you're back.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-06-25 05:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-25 05:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-25 05:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-06-25 04:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a disappointment for the groom-to-be. What kind of fucked up website did you pull that chick from? A stripper who shoves peanuts into her ass crack before a show?
My best man better know better or he'll be fired the night before the wedding.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've counted.
This was 27 kinds of awesome.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahhHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by atreus (user info) at 2008-06-25 01:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was full of win.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-06-25 01:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But not just black. Black like the night. Like God came home drunk one night, put her in the oven, and then passed out. And then he woke up the next morning to the smell of smoke and said "oh shit" and ran to the oven, opened the door, and "Ebony" was born (Ebony was her name).
==============
Oh my shit, this made me lose it. You can't possibly comprehend how funny this paragraph is at 2 am.
Now to go read the rest.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. I'm allergic to peanuts, too. I hope that stripper had liability insurance.
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Misconception is anal entry.
Phillipians 4:17
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a common misconception
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A Dirty Rodriguez is when you transfer the Sanchez shit to your own upper lip.
Proverbs 13:69
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Issues have you. Of them lots.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
exceptional
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my mind, I heard her say "epp-in-uh-eff-ra"
because that's apparently how ebonics works in my mind.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You did it again, Abdullah...You made Shlongy laugh.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a team of monkey scientists working 23-hour days to come up with an emoticon that will accurately represent my emotions right now. I'll get back to you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh EW. Good on you for not dying an especially shitty death.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That would have been difficult to explain to the parents...
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-06-24 21:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rating quickly before im forcibly removed from the web
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-24 21:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did she have a gap in her teeth?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-24 21:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, nigga went into anaphylactic shock! Get that nigga some epinephrine!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-24 21:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I submit it was the worst near death ever.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-06-24 21:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"site"