I banged my cousin this weekend. SCORE! (4021 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.55 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Drake Hit a New Low! (View user info) at 2008-06-23 14:18:16 EDT
Sue Me. But hear my side of the story first.
My brother's wedding was this last weekend. It all went well; bells, whistles, bird-seed, flowers, etc. and afterwards was the reception. The only real reason for going to any wedding really. I had been looking forward to the reception all day. The thought of an ice cold beer was what was getting me through the 105 degree heat in a black tuxedo.
After we had arrived at the reception, I ran into my aunt Sally. She had brought a friend with her. Someone whom I had never met. Someone very, VERY good looking.
So I decided to chat her up.
Nice to meet you, I'm Drake.
Hi, I'm Beth. You know, you look just like junior.
Oh...who's that?
You know...Dale Junior
OHHHH gotcha. I get that a lot.
You know, I've always found Junior to be sooooo sexy.
*by this point my erection is quite prominent and noticable*
Well, that's funny cause the ol' Junior has his eye on you, too.
Now all this flirting and pants-bulging was being noticed by my grandmother who decided that now was a good time to pipe in. "Beth, so good to see you. How's your husband, who happens to be my nephew?"
I think she could see my boner disappear, because she just smiles and walks away.
So I gotta get going...I think I hear my name being called outside.
Yeah, it's getting late, I'm gonna go meet my daughter
Awkward. But I was determined to have a good time anyway. So the night went on and I kept drinking. Until I noticed one of the bridesmaid's friends staring at me. So I decide to go chat HER up. The conversation goes similar to the previous and we wind up getting along VERY well. And eventually we make our way out to the parking lot. Thankfully I got there very early and got a parking spot secluded enough where I could smoke and not have my family bitch at me. It was also convenient because no one can see you in the midst of getting your clothes torn off while desperately trying to insert the keys into the ignition, so you can roll down your power windows.
This girl had the body and face of Aphrodite and a voice like Jennifer Tilly. I reached Nirvana in under ten minutes and even managed to avoid akward, post-sex talk. She told me it was getting late. (sounds familiar) and that she should get going.
it's getting late, I should probably head outta here
Yeah I better get back to the party. Where are you headed anyway?
My mom's house. You've probably met her, she was just here a while ago.
What's her name?
Beth.
Attached below is how I dealt with it, by drunkenly explaining "how the fuck was I supposed to know?" And for the record, I don't see the Junior resemblance either.
User Reviews
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-16 12:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I love this post. Distilled awesome.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-11 16:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody brilliant! Hahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2008-08-11 16:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show....
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-05 15:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai (user info) at 2008-06-30 14:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-06-26 03:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well i never fucked my cousin
probably because he never shaves
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-06-26 03:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the real question here is:
Who hasn't fucked one of their cousins at least once?
Seriously.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she can suck start a b-52, and you got no room to talk, you said you hit it so nyah! :P
Darth Famine
---Coming soon in a cousin near you!
ok i'm done now :P joke into ground complete
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-06-25 15:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2580189696/nm2054764
if this was my cousin: I would incest with the best.
however most of my cousins look like my Uncle Phil, an auto mechanic
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-06-24 16:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I STILL dunno why you tapped that, Famine. Ye gawds, that chickies a raving, psychotic, tangled skein of Satan's ass hair. I know more ppl that wanna kill that bitch than I can name. How do you stand yourself?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-24 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 09:43:43 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not funny at all.
redneck wedding?
is that the 'venue'?
Nice cheap 'champagne', cava =/= champagne.
peasant.
----------
Well I bet you have a small penis.
Who gives a shit about champagne selection? ""
me, obviously.
p.s
how did you know about my penis?
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-06-24 16:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats ok I banged your cousin too. :P I also tapped beasties cuz come to think of it.
I wonder if I can swing some redneck threeway action anytime soon
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 11:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-06-24 11:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I banged my cousin last night. Three times. I liked it. Hells, I loved it. I'm going back for fourths after work. Oh, yeah. Not against the law and that ass is smoooooooooooking hawt! I can screw society at the same time that I'm drillin' the cuz. Oh, hells, yeah. Gimme MORE.
And why not? If the christians are correct (and they aren't), then we're all descended from the incestuous orgy that were Adam and Eve's kids so shut the hell up, slacker.
-----------
You're not allowed on my posts anymore....you scare me.
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-06-24 11:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I banged my cousin last night. Three times. I liked it. Hells, I loved it. I'm going back for fourths after work. Oh, yeah. Not against the law and that ass is smoooooooooooking hawt! I can screw society at the same time that I'm drillin' the cuz. Oh, hells, yeah. Gimme MORE.
And why not? If the christians are correct (and they aren't), then we're all descended from the incestuous orgy that were Adam and Eve's kids so shut the hell up, slacker.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 rednecks.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not funny at all.
redneck wedding?
is that the 'venue'?
Nice cheap 'champagne', cava =/= champagne.
peasant.
----------
Well I bet you have a small penis.
Who gives a shit about champagne selection?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not funny at all.
redneck wedding?
is that the 'venue'?
Nice cheap 'champagne', cava =/= champagne.
peasant.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good to see another Yank rocking the tan slacks / blue shirt combo.
---------
Is that......bad?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good to see another Yank rocking the tan slacks / blue shirt combo.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're cute
----
I just saw that comment...thanks! *wink*
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-06-24 02:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's the most colourful black tux' i've ever seen.
----
Obviously I had changed out of my tux by that point.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-24 07:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good skills Drakey boy!
My second cousin once sucked my cock. Winnar!
She was rough as fuck.
-------------
Oh my.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-24 07:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good skills Drakey boy!
My second cousin once sucked my cock. Winnar!
She was rough as fuck.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-06-24 07:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-24 04:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sucked my second cousin's nipples and stole her panties.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-06-24 02:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's the most colourful black tux' i've ever seen.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-06-24 02:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost did my cousin once, with her brother sleeping at 7 feet away.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-24 01:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Freixenet?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-23 23:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. You fucked your cousin. I would never do that. By that, I mean I will never get that chance to do that. But if I could...
My second cousin, btw
Both of them.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-06-23 19:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fuck it, you've gone this far, you may as well go for her hot mom. If she opposes, just call her a cousinfucker.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're cute
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the rating says.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Send her to SC if you're finished with her. She ain't MY cousin.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone has a cousin that they'd consider fucking. None of us actually DO it though. not while conscious at least.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You took this pretty well
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um.
ew.
Submitted by HerrSchniedelwichs (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A fine one, that was.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I missed that nephew bit. Just read right over it I did.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How is fucking your Aunt Sally's friend's (beth's) daughter incest?
Lies get -1 I'm afraid.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ugh.. that's why you don't pick up at a relative's wedding or say, a family reunion. Redneck.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice...
only better cousin fucking story I read was also on uber.can't find the damn thing either... too many people here have fucked their cousins.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
epic fail
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 16:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure...unless it sucks. ;)
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do i get +2s for life if i do this?
B@W
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn this was so wrong
but with most things, what is the most wrong happens to end up being the most funny.
say hi to Corky after you're cousin squeezes out that four armed flipper baby.
-----
Flipper baby
Anything you post from now on gets a +2 from me.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SCOOORE
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking epic hahaha
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn this was so wrong
but with most things, what is the most wrong happens to end up being the most funny.
say hi to Corky after you're cousin squeezes out that four armed flipper baby.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey at least she didn't get pregnant and spawn some mutent offspring like this uber user: http://www.ubersite.com/m/65159
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-23 15:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed it is.
A truly fabulous insult.
Sung at many football matches (soccer)
well not that version
though I may change that next season
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your father is your mother
your sister is your brother
you only shag each other
the drake family
LALLAlalalalalalLALLALlala
lalalaa
lalala
lala
-------
Decent.
actually....that's quite funny.
I'm assuming it's to the tune of Addams Family.
*Click Click*
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your father is your mother
your sister is your brother
you only shag each other
the drake family
LALLAlalalalalalLALLALlala
lalalaa
lalala
lala
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspect the erection was not 'prominent and noticeable' and the 'cousin' was actually your grandmother.
-------
Great Aunt, actually.
and no...it was only noticable to me *weep*
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspect the erection was not 'prominent and noticeable' and the 'cousin' was actually your grandmother.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
You are teh incestorz.
--------
Down Syndrome baby FTW!
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
You are teh incestorz.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
half of the family wasn't mine ;)
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could have been told in a funny way
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-06-23 14:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
should probably not attempt to meet people at a family wedding. friend's wedding is fair game though.