My aspirations of becoming an international volleyball star (11295 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.74 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by (V) (View user info) at 2008-05-20 11:21:08 EDT
It's not often that my repressed childhood memories come bubbling to the surface, usually because of some odd trigger that sparks a glimmer of recognition in my mind, like the fluid, hyponotic bobbing of a tranny's adams apple, or the panicked sensation of drowning when you swallow your own snot.
So I was hit in the head with a bat by a retarded kid when I was younger.
Or so it seemed.
His name was Frankie, and his parents were both hard core alcoholics, which was why he was retarded. He didn't really have that Downs Syndrome Face, since he didn't have Downs Syndrome. He just had a blank vacant stare most of the time, and would take longer to comprehend what you were saying. He also stuttered a lot, and he didn't even have tard strength; his arms were long and spindly, so he wasn't really that much fun. I tried to sit on his shoulders one time and play "Master Blaster", but he just collapsed in a heap underneath me and began chewing on his sleeve.
His parents were sweet people, really, but they were Irish and drunk 24/7, and would drag poor old Frankie to the bar with them every Friday night. Apparently this was ok to do back in the late 80's.
Frankie was 10 at the time.
Aside from this, Frankie was always showered with the latest toys and gadgets as a means, I suppose, of assuaging his mother's guilt for drinking all throughout her pregnancy.
Frankie came over my house a lot, since I was the only other retarded kid on the block, and we would play all sorts of tard games. One fine summer day, my cousin was over, and we were playing three man baseball. Frankie was up to bat, my cousin was pitching, and I was the catcher.
Sounds pretty homo-erotic, I know, but when you're 10, it's called "exploring".
Frankie was up at bat for a good 12 minutes because, well, he was retarded and couldn't hit the ball no matter how hard he tried. He usually swung a good 4-5 seconds after the ball came across the plate, so I was incredibly bored and my mind and eye tended to wander. There was a giant thorn bush right next to us, and something in it caught my eye.
Something big and white that looked exactly like a volleyball. Curiosity got the best of me, and I leaned in for a better look.
It WAS a volleyball! I was so excited at the prospect of finding such an unexpected treasure that all reason left me at that moment, and I didn't consider WHY there would be a nice, new white volleyball in my crazy old next door neighbor's thorn bush. All I could think of was the fame and fortune that I would receive when I soon became a professional volleyball player.
I stuck my oblong head in to the bush, careful to avoid the thorns, and reached my fat hand in to extract said volleyball, eager to show my newly acquired bounty to my cousin and Frankie.
At that moment, fate intervened.
My fat, useless cousin suddenly heard the tinkling of the Mr. Softee truck and swiveled his pudgy neck right on cue, around like Pavlov's dog. Just as my hand closed upon the supposed volleyball, I felt the worst pain in my life as something stung me in my temple.
This was no ordinary volleyball, people. This volleyball was somehow magically filled with hundreds of very, VERY angry hornets, and I had just royally pissed them off.
I howled with pain and yanked my hand away, clutching my temple and crying as if I had just gven child birth. I felt a second sting as another hornet came out and waged war upon my 10 year old bitch ass.
I wasn't the only unlucky one, however.
Frankie, being in such close proximity, also felt the wrath and got stung on his arm, and he began howling and stuttering profusely, as he tended to do in times of duress. As he was retarded and couldn't comprehend what was happening (in his defense, though neither could I, as I still thought I was attacked by very angry volleyball pixies), he must have thought that I had done whatever it was that had just happened to him.
As it were, he clutched the bat as tight as he could and started swinging for the fences.
I ran for my dear life into my backyard.
My cousin, hearing the commotion, managed to tear himself away from the prospect of ice cream and turned back around where he saw me crying and running in circles in the backyard, clutching my head and howling like the bitch that I was.
What he also saw was Frankie howling and swinging the bat like a madman, and he put two and two together. He pumped his fat little legs as fast as he could and tackled Frankie, bitch slapping him in his droopy face repeatedly and trying to tear the bat out of his corpse-like grasp. Even though I didn't have my wits fully about me yet, I managed to start blubbering something unintelligible and trying to pull my cousin off of Frankie.
Frankie, meanwhile, had let go of the bat with one hand and had begun rubbing his crotch furiously, because, well, that's what he did when he was scared.
We tried not to frighten Frankie too often.
My mother, the overly hysterical, panicky woman that she is, ran outside to find out what all the commotion was about, and saw a scene that would rival any Three Stooges episode. She wailed just like old ladies do at funerals in the movies, and she ran for the hose. She began spraying all three of us with the hose at close range. It took a second for her to realize that the nozzle was set on "fine mist", and when she finally managed to turn it to "full stream", she reenacted the 1960's police riots in Birmingham, Alabama and turned the fire hoses on us.
When all was said and done, we were all mighty sore, wet and confused, but our parents finally figured out what had happened. Nevertheless, my cousin was sent home immediately, and Frankie wasn't allowed to come over for a long, long time. The hornets nest was removed by professionals, and I said goodbye to my dreams of ever becoming an international volleyball star.
User Reviews
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-12 16:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-17 06:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I came.
Submitted by gazaroo82 (user info) at 2008-06-03 04:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats some funny shit
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2008-05-30 03:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure Creamy Awesomeness
Submitted by DrKennethNoisewater (user info) at 2008-05-23 09:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing read, great story
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2008-05-22 21:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2008-05-22 18:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know the dude who played "Blaster" he's a huge bastard
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-22 17:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-05-22 16:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hah! somebody is from the burbs as well.
I like you method. You remind me of me. This story makes me recall a similiar incident when I was 11 with hornets, and fat kids, and ice cream. I will write it for you, lover.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-22 13:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FAVORITISM!!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-22 06:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W, apparently.
Submitted by emxel (user info) at 2008-05-22 03:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
tard strength ftw.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-05-21 21:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-05-21 03:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9fWvub_WBho
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Frankie.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2008-05-21 00:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-05-21 00:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Let me see. You mother with a hose. It's set on fine mist. Then full stream.
Hmmmmm........
Sorry, but I just can't think of any good "Method's Mom" jokes. Maybe next time.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just kidding, that was good, fellow a-lister
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AUTO GRECQUE - DEUX !
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
VOLLEYBALL IS FOR QUEERS
I DIDNT READ THIS GOOD LUCK WITH LIFE
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2008-05-20 21:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only you can make your dreams come true!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-20 21:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-20 21:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Serious Writer's Forum!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-20 21:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
big balls there Jack
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-05-20 19:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Got it back, fuckhead.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-20 19:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE BACK UBERSITE?
Knock it off.
Now SHLONGY is going to have to post something....Shit.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-20 18:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually i'll bring it up to a 1.5. cause why not, right?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-20 18:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha, eh.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-20 16:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you seen my baseball?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-05-20 16:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PMN (user info) at 2008-05-20 15:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
M,
I wish you would drown in the panic of swallowing your own snot.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-05-20 15:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retard porn might be the sexiest thing ever.
Aside from women pretending to be pigs and getting fucked by redneck farmers of course.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your childhood memeories are often disturbing...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know wtf you're talking about, I'm morbidly obese
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you didn't get a good bumming from your cousin?
Guess that explains the over-compensating physique.
You greasy ass pirate.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i searched around a bit to see where you had plagiarized this from or when you had first posted it and was unable to locate its origin.
so, where did you steal this from?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-20 14:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
taking back uber, are we?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone has funny stuff happen to them as a kid, simon once choked on a marble and lost oxygen for a full 4 minutes, but we don't bore the rest of the world with our stories.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she said always remember never to trust me. she said that the first night she met me. she said there's gonna be a time when i'm gonna have to go with whoever's gonna get me the highest.
she said i won't be much for conversation if we go and do the rest of this. she said i've never been much for conservation. i kinda dig these awkward silences. she's got those bones brigade videos. she knew them back and forth. she's slept with so many skaters. she had the place to herself. she had a couple hundred bucks. and he had nothing but the number.
she said i like the guy who always answers the door. he never asks you what you came to his house for. she said i won't be much for all this humbert humbert stuff. i've never done so much of this. i have to try so hard not to fall in love. i have to concentrate when we kiss. she mouthed the words along to "running up that hill." that song got scratched into her soul. he's never heard the song before but still he gets the metaphor. he knows some people that switched places before. she said i really like the crowds at the really big shows - people touching people that they don't even know, yo.
i guess the heavy stuff ain't quite at its heaviest by the time it gets out to suburban minneapolis. we were living up at nicollet and 66th with 3 skaters and some hoodrat chick. drove the wrong way down 169. almost died up by edina high.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Thunderdome reference.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-05-20 13:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
george kn0wz how 2 rite, he learndeded shcool!!!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No it doesn't, daywalker
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My fat, useless cousin"
__________
Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me lol several times. great job.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i also masturbate in high stress situations.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-20 10:44:34 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are we taking back uber or something?
'cos I have the greatest post in the world that I might write.
It's entitled 'why cyber sex is a bad idea'
====================
And the sole content is a picture of Electro....
Ace post, kid.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retards = auto +2
--------
Also, it was a very entertaining story to read.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
delightful
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something decent for a change.
Go you.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet zombie jesus.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKr85mU9Gg0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are we taking back uber or something?
'cos I have the greatest post in the world that I might write.
It's entitled 'why cyber sex is a bad idea'
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want my feed bag, I'd say that the appearance of your mother in this story made it worthwile.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so awesome. I feel like getting out of bed today was actually worthwhile.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Retards = auto +2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, YOU'RE so hot
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was so hot.