Fucking Sugar: Converstations with My Daughter, Pt. 2. (1717 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2008-05-15 09:31:02 EDT
Well if Merlina's back, I'm posting.
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113501
The Scene: On the back porch, last evening.
Kid [flailing]: Get that smoke outta here! Get that smoke outta here! Dad, I thought you were going to quit smoking.
Me: I lied. Get used to it.
Kid: What?
Me: Never mind.
Kid: You know what happened at school today? There was this fly. And everybody was trying to kill him...except for me and Gabby. Alexander tried to hit him with his bottle. But I named him George, and I said, "Come here, George," and he came to me. And then everyone started calling him George, and they were all like, "Come here, George. Come here, George." And the whole class was doing it. And Ms. Martin told everybody to shut up. But then he escaped, 'cause someone opened the door and he flew out. I miss him. You need to cut your toenails.
Me: You have a fly on your tummy right now.
Kid: Oh? Oh that's not George. But I could name him George. I could name all the flies George. Come here, George. Come here, George. Wanna see how fast I can run?
Me: Okay.
Kid [running across the lawn]: Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Hey Dad...there's a pile of Sassy's poop here with a bunch of Georges on it. Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Pretty fast, huh?
Me: Pretty fast.
Kid: Give me that broom. Three four five six seven eight nine.... It took you nine seconds to get that broom for me. I'm going to sweep my house. This spot between the trees is my house. It's the only clean place around. Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep. Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep. Augh! Antzilla! No ants! No ants! No ants! No ants, no glory. No ants, no glory. No ants, no glory. No glory, no ants. No glory, no ants. Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep. Dad, you're buttzilla. Ha. Butt-zilla, butt-zilla, butt-zilla. Sassy! Get outta my house. You're a dust mite. Sassy!! Get outta here, you dust mite. No dust mites allowed in my house. Dad, you're a butthead. Butt-zilla, butt-zilla, butt-zilla. You wanna see me climb this tree?
Me: Okay.
Kid [hanging from tree branch]: I'm a tree dog. You know what a tree dog is? It's got opposable thumbs and feet like a human.
Me: You mean like a human?
Kid: Dad, tree dogs aren't real. I made them up. Geez. Butt-zilla, butt-zilla, butt-zilla. Do you know what opposable thumbs are?
Me: Yes. I'm going in. You wanna watch the ballgame with me?
Kid: Umm...American Idol starts at eight o'clock.
Me: The ballgame starts right now. You didn't answer my question.
Kid: Tweet tweet. I'm a bird. Don't talk to me. Tweet tweet. [flits away]
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for recently reviewing all of my posts that i never wanted to see again.
JERRY MANUEL=N.L. CHAMPS
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 20:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd better be a chick.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-17 03:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're sexy
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-02 03:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what have you got against Reyes? Other than the fact that he plays ball like a petulant child. Other than that, I mean what have you got?
your division sucks this year by the way.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-05-20 06:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How is Ash Fork?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-16 05:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are feeding that kid?!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-05-16 04:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oakland's looking pretty good.
***
Sec 113 Row 10 Seats__ since....uh...think orange baseballs
btw, nice story
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2008-05-16 03:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have an awesome kid...
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-16 00:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(go Angels)
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-05-15 23:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The A's are a good young team and the diamondbacks are good; although the metsies got 2 out of 3! We just like playing at chase. Next year the diamondback-met series will not only be a battle of baseball, it will be a battle of financial institutions; as the Citibank Mets take on the Chase Diamondbacks. Oh what fun.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-05-15 23:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops sorry
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-05-15 23:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your kid sounds extremely tiring.
A Father put his son to bed and sitting on the couch watching TV when he heard his son call out,
'DAAAAAAD can I get a glass of water?'
'No' the father replies 'Go to sleep'
10 minutes later his son call out again
'DAAAAD I really need a glass of water'
'No!' the father yells
'DAAA....'
'One more word out of you and I'm coming in there and smacking your ass!' the father bellowed.
5 minutes go by, before the son pipes up again,
'DAAAD, when you come in here to smack me, can you bring a glass of water?'
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-15 22:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-15 21:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your daughter rules
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-15 21:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your daughter rules.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haren's been great. Not getting the run support Webb is. Should be 6-1.
Oakland's looking pretty good. D'backs are actually kinda overrated. Fucking 6-10 outside the division. I'm not really looking forward to interleague play. Time for the pre-game.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haren's working out pretty good for you, too, although, as bitter as I was about the pre-season A's fire sale, it hasn't worked out too badly...until this week in Cleveland.
The A's can't hit but they have set up a pitching staff even WITHOUT Haren for the next 5, 6 years.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to thank my agent.
And Brandon Webb.
And Gina Lollobrigida.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This could actually be a conversation with pretty much 92% of the retards who post/review on Uber these days, if you think about it.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(I didn't see that you were already called a butt head HW, sorry for being redundant)
(why does this have such a high rating?)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(because HW is a big ol' butt head)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was alright, I think I was a tad disappointed due to the crazy high rating though.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus. thx folks. I'm happy to have brought a smile here and there.
====================
ahaha
its a post not an academy award
don't forget to thank your agent
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus. thx folks. I'm happy to have brought a smile here and there.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck blt you're right
goddamn me
+2 lungfish forever and ever
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hotwillie, you're a butthead. Converstations are shoe stores that only sell Chuck Taylors.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay i'm taking you down old man there's a misspelling in the title
bubba will stop by later and confirm my findings i'm quite sure
ok maybe not
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell is a lungfish?
is it greater than a nosetoad?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 16:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the guy below is kinda slow, but his photographic skills far surpass those of scourge
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-05-15 16:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations you're the best ever.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-05-15 16:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw this five hours ago at school. I just got home and logged-on for the sole purpose of giving this a +2.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 15:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm putting you on best ever
remember that when i flame you later you overrated drunkard
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-15 15:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are consistently awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pleasant and amusing. What an anomaly on uber.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No ants, no glory!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's precious.
No more coke before bedtime.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahha
your daughter needs to cut down on the drugs
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After reading this post it made me realise how lucky I am to have friends that take too many drugs and talk shit all the time. It is like training.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-15 16:39:29 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I can't wait till my daughter can talk.
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You won't believe how much you want them to talk and then the speed with which you constantly tell them 'be quiet' once they do.
This +2 is for the kid. :)
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Butt-zilla, butt-zilla, butt-zilla.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But maybe she'll understand when I tell her to stop pulling my hair and actually listen. That shit hurts.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm guessing your wife's name is polly and she snacks on crackers? no?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I can't wait till my daughter can talk.
===========
don't rush it...they're like Pringles...once they pop...they can't can't stop!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2. Now to read about your kid's wisdom...
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, your kid is fucking mental.
-------------------------------------
No dude. They're ALL like that.
Unless she's like, 17 years old...in which case, yeah, she's a little bit mental.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
smiles
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I can't wait till my daughter can talk.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm only rating a 2 so as not to break the streak.
With a good deed done for the day, I can go back to making people upset!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pleasant and amusing. What an anomaly on uber.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your child watches American Idol.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute kid
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forensicgirl3 story just made this whole post awesome.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-05-15 08:46:19 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Butt-zilla
And a pile of poop with a bunch of Georges on it. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Fantastic.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, what a mentalist.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
........./
......../
......./
....../
\..../
.\../
..\/
A+
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid sounds adorable!
I'm broody as a mother fucker.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Butt-zilla
And a pile of poop with a bunch of Georges on it. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Fantastic.
Here is something that amuses me greatly. The Man's four year old daughter has just discovered modesty and bashfullness. They were over at my place and little AJ (Alexandria) came up to me, patted my leg to get my attention, and motioned for me to bend down so she could whisper something.
Her: <whispering> I hafta go to the bathroom.
Me: Okay.
She goes in, shuts the door, and I guess does her business. She was in there a long time and after about 10 minutes, The Man goes to check on her. I'm elsewhere in the house when I hear a most terrible and shrill scream.
I go running to the source of the sound and there is The Man, befuddled, standing outside the bathroom door. When I asked what happened, he said he tried to open the door and she started screaming that she was going to the bathroom and not to come in.
AJ heard us outside the bathroom door.
Her: Bonnie!
Me: Yes?
Her: Could you help me? I need toilet paper. Daddy's a boy.
Me: Okay, I'm coming in.
I go in and hand her a new roll.
Her: Daddy's a boy. He can't get me toilet paper.
Me: I know.
Her: Where do boys get their toilet paper from?
Me: Good question.
Her: They don't use as much as girls.
Me: That's true.
Her: Boys are weird.
Me: They think we girls are weird you know.
Her: That's coz they're boys.
Can't argue with that.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kicker of all ass indeed..
kids are mental.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i get up at 4, in to work by 6:30 so I never see the kids in the morning
sometimes mornings are shitty
sometimes on shitty mornings my wife calls me and my two little girls get on and say "hi daddy, we love you"
every time that makes my day better.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ADD it's real people.
Lungfish Rules!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great!!!
I pictured you with a terribly distraught face during all of this...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, your kid is fucking mental.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Lungfish +2