the people below me are having sex ... (1272 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.71 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rizzo (View user info) at 2008-04-28 23:45:42 EDT
... and I'm irritated. It's not that I hate living in an apartment, it's that sometimes I hate living in an apartment alone. Especially being single.
I'm neither dangerous nor a moron. I'm an intelligent pussy, so there, we are a complete mismatch. I'm writing this because I hope to entertain you. If I don't I apologize, but the truth is that my one- and two-liners get zero reponses. Maybe I'm just ugly. If that were the case I could marry a fat girl and be done with it all. What do you think? Be honest. I guess growing up a fat kid and then morphing into probably the healthiest person I know only serves to confuse me. It's done nothing for my self confidence. In fact, I would have probably been better off as the funny fat guy. I could have married a cheeky fat girl and been happy as a pig in shit, and I would have had an excuse for it to boot.
I was in the gym today and I noticed a few of the most buff, cut dudes just walking around all nervous and obsessed like they were powder kegs waiting to explode. I realized that no girl could ever possibly like a dude like that (which is probably why they're always in the gym - no ass) and then I remember the slightly balding, slightly chubby dude at the bar Saturday night hooking up with the hottest piece of ass in the bar and trying in some way that day to possibly justify logically what the fuck was going on there. How did that happen? I now realize, it's simple - girls like fun dudes. Keep being fun and eventually girl sticks around, literally, like a magnet. It's called attraction, and I'm sure you've felt it. I'm sure you've also never been able to explain it, and trust me if you saw chubby dude with said piece of ass at the bar you wouldn't be able to explain that either. It makes sense to me now. When I was a drunk I was mad fun, and I took a lot of pretty girls off losers' arms. Now I'm dead sober, and every encounter has become a maze, and I never get to the end. By the time I get there, the game's over, the lights are out, it's last call, I haven't had a single drink, and somehow I have a $45 bar tab. That's the reality of the situation - even sober, there's a tab, and what's worse is you don't have the blanket fog of Sunday morning to toss over it like it were an ugly ottoman. Attraction - I don't understand it, I don't get it, it doesn't work for me. Whatever I did when I was a raging drunk, well, it worked. I guess I was fun. That, and super confident. Fun and confident. Dangerous morons are fun and confident. I was one of those in my former life. Now I'm just a token dating site member, turning 30, in an apartment all by myself, with my neighbors below me fucking in the shower.
When I saw you I said, "What can I say to this one that won't totally chase her away?" I had no idea. So I closed my eyes and imagined you were a fat chick. This is what came out.
Nice handstand.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-30 10:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto rizzo +2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2008-04-29 22:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I find myself looking forward to meeting someone new, which is just pure insanity. *sigh*
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-29 22:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's really no secret to getting women. They all want something differant, just be yourself and stay social - it'll happen. For confidence, I suggest using your newfound health to kick the shit out of someone who has it coming(I'm sure 5 people just came to mind). That'll REALLY put some swagger in your step.
Also, if no one can hear you fucking - you're probably doing it wrong. Unless you're in the woods, then you should at least get some animals riled up.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-29 22:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sobriety is tough.
==============================================
you said it, brother.
it gets better though, i promise.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Confidence is 90% of the battle.
If you start drinking, you'll get your swagger back.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buddy, i feel your pain, trust me. when i was a raging drunk myself, i could pick up any girl. i had a million friends and followers. life was fun and exciting.
now, i'm overworked, have like two friends, and haven't gotten laid since i don't know when. (ok, i'm still getting laid, but it's not as easy as it used to be)
there are those nights when it all comes back to me, when i remember how to be my former self in my past life and i get the girl. it's happened about three times in the past couple years.
sad.
it's depressing, isn't it? don't let it get you down though. you're better than that. you're still that guy that can pick up any girl, but you can do it without being a hopeless drunk. you'll find your way. i have faith in you.
*************************************************
Sobriety is tough.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe you just need to move to a country where 90% of women are not grossly overweight.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-04-29 16:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-04-29 15:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-29 15:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend told me that his roommates gave him a standing ovation when he went downstairs to get some water the other night after we did it. My face is still red.
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the bastard
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-29 15:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Personality and character go a long, long, LONG way toward attractiveness. Confidence is good too. Looks are just gravy.
My boyfriend told me that his roommates gave him a standing ovation when he went downstairs to get some water the other night after we did it. My face is still red.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommates hear me fucking all the time.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-29 13:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-29 12:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the best ever.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-29 11:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck with the whole penetrating 'giners thing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-29 10:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Knock on their door and ask if you can join in the fun.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-29 09:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just lay back, close your eyes and wank to the sounds they make. Its called 'surround sound'.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-29 09:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Welcome to age 30, where women are looking for a guy who can carry on a conversation rather than muscles and fast times. You'll be okay.
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-04-29 08:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for being a grown up man and not knowing that there is no logic in life, never was, never will be. Its a made up word. Stop being a cunt and just talk to girls, plenty of them to go around, you'll score some day.
A pointer, acquire taste in fine foods or spirits, with age, women will be more attracted to you if they think you know something very well.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-29 07:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I praise you for not getting married when you clearly want nothing to do with that manner of institution and for tackling the problem of lonliness as you age in a positive way. Bear in mind that in worst case scenarios you can read lots of Marcus Aurelius and become a modern day stoic or inject lots of skag into your veins untill you suffer an embolism and die.
Remember: being old and alone means never having to say you're sorry.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buddy, i feel your pain, trust me. when i was a raging drunk myself, i could pick up any girl. i had a million friends and followers. life was fun and exciting.
now, i'm overworked, have like two friends, and haven't gotten laid since i don't know when. (ok, i'm still getting laid, but it's not as easy as it used to be)
there are those nights when it all comes back to me, when i remember how to be my former self in my past life and i get the girl. it's happened about three times in the past couple years.
sad.
it's depressing, isn't it? don't let it get you down though. you're better than that. you're still that guy that can pick up any girl, but you can do it without being a hopeless drunk. you'll find your way. i have faith in you.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a fucking downer man.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The people below you on Uber's front page are Bubba, Jack McCallum, and puck. Fresh and clean with a hint of lemon.
+1 for the handstand.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-29 04:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no people above, below or to either side.
I am too posh for close neighbours.
Once though, I lived in a two up two down terrace and when I heard the girl next door sneeze, I'd always bless her.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-04-29 02:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"with my neighbors below me fucking in the shower"
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Sorry if we woke you up.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-29 00:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2008-04-29 00:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
try imagining that youre a fat chick and the girl is a funny dude?
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-04-29 00:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the person on top of me is having sex
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-29 00:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
At least I know that there was a good family guy on tonight.
(This was pretty crap, but I'm sure you're trying)
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2008-04-29 00:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck are you going on about?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-28 23:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
great family guy tonight. just thought i'd tell someone