Why Women Need To Stop Watching Romantic Movies (1889 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: -0.36 on 92 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jennifer (View user info) at 2008-04-25 03:14:56 EDT
I've noticed something over the years with my girl friends who are single or who are not happy in their relationships. They LOVE watching romantic comedies and dramas. One phrase you can pretty much guarantee hearing when you have a girl's night in watching romantic movies that all star anyone who has grazed the cover of People's 'Sexiest Man Alive' issue is, "Why can't I meet a guy like that?" Well ladies, it's because...THERE ARE NONE. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not a man-hater. I'm just saying movies depict men in an unrealistic way, therefore causing many women to have unrealistically high expectations of what makes a good boyfriend/husband. So, I thought I would make up a list and point out the many movie myths when it comes to the male gender.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-05-01 01:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-04-29 21:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AUTO +2 Whores!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-25 20:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-04-25 20:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...So yeah I guess I wouldn't throw someone out of bed for being a little touched in the head.
***
do like i do and install a Lithium dispenser on your night-stand
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-25 17:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
they*
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-25 17:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Women say "Why can't I meet a guy like that?" until the do at which point they cheat on him.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-25 12:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Movies, just like some books, are FICTION. Or course the depictions are unrealistic.
Duh.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-04-25 12:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My life is a romantic movie
with a poor ending.
Welcome.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2008-04-25 12:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sweet fuck - I hope this is an alter
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
good post!
for a cunt
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not YOU Berty, you dumbass.
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I know. I merely wished to remind both you and myself of the glamour that surrounds me in your eyes. It makes me think of warm summer days and diced bananas in condensed milk.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not YOU Berty, you dumbass.
================
I mean...I Mean... I MEAN... ya gotta lotta damn nerve calling Berty a dumbass!!
He's twelve times as intelligent as you could hope to be.
Even if he is British.
:)
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not YOU Berty, you dumbass.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh, this isn't me, I stress this ISN'T me.
Either bertys alter, or just some lame retarded bitch who I wish death.
And yeah, thaks Yozz, I love you too, girly!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My two favorite people below.
/sarcasm
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"Sarcasm" indeed.
I know for a fact that you are hopelessly fascinated by every word I write.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My two favorite people below.
/sarcasm
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LM, are you insane?
Way to give a retard heat, folks.
==========================
We gave you heat...
:)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is not a 'good message'.
I demand credit for any and all success of this post and, dare I say it, all of Ubersite.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good message, terrible fucking writing and structure.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've given Jennifer the gift of heat. It is the best gift because it doesn't cost anything.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the opposite of mysoginist? Hystoginist? Lesboginist?
----------------------
Tobogonist.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-25 11:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Probably Philogyny
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the opposite of mysoginist? Hystoginist? Lesboginist? I also want to kick Oprah in the balls.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
beeltea is a misogynist. Real name: Emmanuel Goldstein
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty is a misogynist. His real name is August Strindberg.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Icarus is a mysoginist.
His real name is Norman Bates.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what would make Bridezillas amusing? Spousal abuse. Or child abuse. Or, if it's some idiot single mother getting married, parental abuse. Someone needs to take one of those daft, self-important whores and open-fist them so hard in the jaw that their hair extensions tear out from the sheer force of the blow.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-25 10:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You speak truth. Thanks to the sappy movies out there, women want these idyllic men who will not only put up with their hormonal, neurotic, PMS'ing, flip-flopping, double-standard, "you better still call me sexy when my body goes South, but OMG YOU LOST YOUR SIX PACK SO I MUST LEAVE YOU," bullshit, but row them around some mosquito-infested lake whilst a Jamaican crab sings to them. Oh, and they HAVE to not only put up with her being an emotional train wreck/domineering uberbitch at the wedding, but smile politely to the camera man, shrug, and say "she's my baby, whatchagonnado?"
That said, this could have gotten much better treatment, but you're new, so what the hell. Welcome to uber.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Women watch romantic movies to see "fantasy relationships" they will never have.
Men watch porn to see "fantasy women" they will never have.
The new SAT question:
"woman" is to "romantic movie" as "man" is to "____"
a. porn
b. books
c. spam
d. shoes
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why can't being a tard be cured by tea? It cures hangovers and that's practicaly the same thing.
Maybe it's not a high enough dosage? Shouldn't money be spent developing a super strain of tea that both cures beings a spazz and adds to the structural integrity of biscuits?
Why hasn't this been done already? My parents and their entire generation are clearly useless, lazy cunts. This shall be noted and applied when they start costing me money.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Berty - mentalists are strangely alluring. I think it's the excitement associated with the risk of them embarrassing you in public and/or killing you in your sleep.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Women should stop posting on Uber, too.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Almost everyone I know is mentally ill in some capacity. I would estimate that 95% of Americans are fucking crazy, myself included. So yeah I guess I wouldn't throw someone out of bed for being a little touched in the head.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Joking aside though, people with these conditions do genuinly see the world in a different way to us and I think a caring relationship with a woman like that would truly be an Adventure into Undiscovered Cuntry.
That's another great name for a website.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, wow.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BN, if I stick myself into a labrador I am a deviant. If I stick myself into a woman with downs syndrome I'm experimental. It's all sorts of troubled ladies though.
Terrified women cuddle the closest, and who could be more terrified than a person who believes the kettle wants to burn them and their shoes are in leauge with the vacuum cleaner?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gender is a grammatical construct. The proper term for the state of maleness/femaleness in people is "sex."
---------------------------
What are your thoughts re: mentally ill (*complicated hand gesture*) suitors?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've used the phrase "what in the wide wide world of sports" numerous times on this website expecting someone to comment on its origins and nary a person has thus far. this kind of disapoints me but it also makes me wonder if i'm just a fan of obscure movies. either way it applies here again as I read through the reviews.
What in the wide wide world of sports happened HERE? berty wants a relationship with a mentally deficient woman (some would argue they all are)? JOKE people, joke. c'mon now, settle down. seriousl though, aren't relationship hard enough without adding the element of tard power to it? on the other hand if you're looking for someone to love you unconditionally and clammor for your attention...... might i suggest a labrador?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a thought, Bertrude.
I'd be more inclined to go for the Jim Jeffries "woman are like public toilets, they're all dirty except the disabled ones" stand point. Just seems more fun.
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Well that's what I thought. Anyway, hopefully this Jennifer is a mentally ill laydeeee so we can all have a go on her next Ubercon and then be able to properly analyse the situation.
We can have it round Davros' place because he has restrained bolted to the sides of his bathtub.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gender is a grammatical construct. The proper term for the state of maleness/femaleness in people is "sex."
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a thought, Bertrude.
I'd be more inclined to go for the Jim Jeffries "woman are like public toilets, they're all dirty except the disabled ones" stand point. Just seems more fun.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I doubt women would feel the same though. Women dig that whole "strong provider" thing.
I suppose next to our 'special ladies' web-admin office we can have an incinerator for lonesome mad fellas.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
They do exist, it's just that in real life you wouldn't be attracted to them.
Rule #2397375772 of dating: Women like nice guys when they're on the screen, but in real life they only like assholes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 09:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I've hit upon an interesting thought here. I don't think I'm alone in being amazed by how differntly people with mental disorders do see the world and I'm sure there are a lot of men who, if they had the full knowledge beforehand of what they're getting into, would be quite intruiged by the prospect of a relationship with a woman from circumstances.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Course there are, they just don't want anything to do with you and your skanky mates.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, it's just where berty and i started talking rubbish. Nothing to do with the post at all.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
any one, woman or man, who believes what they see on television/movies should be dragged outside and shot.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FG just rocked.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 12:53:56 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not everything on ebay is second hand. A lot of stuff is unused. Fake, and made badly in the East on highly lammable, toxic materials, but unused all the same.
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I swear I put the 'f' in. Uber is playing tricks today.
Why this post? Is 'Jennifer'a Brit alter?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's really no different than men believing that Photoshopped women are the norm and the standard and then get enraged and repulsed when they find out the truth.
It's their fault for being stupid.
So therefore your girlfriends are a bunch of stupid twats for mistaking fantasy as reality.
No offense and welcome to Uber.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 08:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What ever happened to the 'f' on 'flammable'?
______
What are you talking about?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know Berty, I just tend to meet crazies everywhere. Go down your local pub, that should do it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What ever happened to the 'f' on 'flammable'?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Other than Craiglist of course.
Or Uber.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ageed orphy, but I was only joking anyway.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There was a documentory awhile ago about a woman with, like, 35 different personalities in her head. She was a bit thin because some of the personalities refused to eat but she was hot. Ithink it'd be a fascinating relationship untill the mental one was at the controls and she'd cut my knob off.
I wonder if there's a website where you can arrange dates with crazy women?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not everything on ebay is second hand. A lot of stuff is unused. Fake, and made badly in the East on highly lammable, toxic materials, but unused all the same.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah Drogo. What's she like?
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright Drogo. Tell us about your fantasy handicaped woman.
--
Her only handicap is a damned Puncture that I cant bloody well find.
__________
Get a new one, cheap on ebay.....if you don't mind them being second hand.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah Drogo. What's she like?
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright Drogo. Tell us about your fantasy handicaped woman.
--
Her only handicap is a damned Puncture that I cant bloody well find.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LM, are you insane?
Way to give a retard heat, folks.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even the nicest men have secrets, ladies...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And again
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to come back
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2008-04-25 07:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK YOU!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahahahahahahahahahaah
Bet your not far off berty!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I bet she has tourettes and shouts "wank me, wank me, wank me" uncontrolably and Drogo takes her out in public to boost his standing with his mates.
*thinks*
Actually when you combine that with free government marjuana then that's not a bad situation at all.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah Drogo. What's she like?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright Drogo. Tell us about your fantasy handicaped woman.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good grief Berty. The mind boggles.
----------------------------------------
The game works both ways you know.
Some bronzed, immaculate fellow. Enormous forehead, tiny eyes, monstrous phallus. You can be teaching him about manual handling in a dainty, polka dot dress. Suddenly he's all "Duncan itchy!" and then it's all muscled hands and frantic thrusting. Hot breath across the back of your neck.
_______________________________________
Swing and miss.
Some pasty, slightly thick waisted chap. Strong jawed, crooked nose, blood shot eyes and a tidy yet comfortable phallus. We will be in a heated competition of who can drink the most without throwing up/passing out. Crumbs of pork scratchings will linger on the front of his crumpled tee-shirt. He will have OCD and constantly re-organise the beer mats. Sometimes he will need to re-tie his shoe laces and lunge so forcfully down towards the floor he'll consistantly smack his head on the table until he has a semi-permanent coin shaped red mark on his forehead. The sex will be messy and clumsy, proberbly against some piss soaked wall behind the back of the pub. He will mutter in my ear that he loves "doing it" outside, the real reason is not the cheap kicks, but only because he has to make less effort and it increases his chances of me giving him head. We will get chips on the stumble hom, but we will stagger aorund and most of them will end up on the floor, quickly getting soggy in the puddles. I will have to tell him twice that it's not acceptable to eat them once they have fallen into the water. I will be too drunk to make my point clearly and conceed that dry ones and the five second rule applying is ok. I will swear not kiss him for two days following and the next morning with my make-up smeared all over my face and dribble dried to my chin I will forget that I had sworn that when he brings me sweet tea and burnt toast in bed.
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<3
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
_______________________________________
Swing and miss.
Some pasty, slightly thick waisted chap. Strong jawed, crooked nose, blood shot eyes and a tidy yet comfortable phallus. We will be in a heated competition of who can drink the most without throwing up/passing out. Crumbs of pork scratchings will linger on the front of his crumpled tee-shirt. He will have OCD and constantly re-organise the beer mats. Sometimes he will need to re-tie his shoe laces and lunge so forcfully down towards the floor he'll consistantly smack his head on the table until he has a semi-permanent coin shaped red mark on his forehead. The sex will be messy and clumsy, proberbly against some piss soaked wall behind the back of the pub. He will mutter in my ear that he loves "doing it" outside, the real reason is not the cheap kicks, but only because he has to make less effort and it increases his chances of me giving him head. We will get chips on the stumble hom, but we will stagger aorund and most of them will end up on the floor, quickly getting soggy in the puddles. I will have to tell him twice that it's not acceptable to eat them once they have fallen into the water. I will be too drunk to make my point clearly and conceed that dry ones and the five second rule applying is ok. I will swear not kiss him for two days following and the next morning with my make-up smeared all over my face and dribble dried to my chin I will forget that I had sworn that when he brings me sweet tea and burnt toast in bed.
--
Corking!!!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For gods sake, uber kills me sometimes.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good grief Berty. The mind boggles.
----------------------------------------
The game works both ways you know.
Some bronzed, immaculate fellow. Enormous forehead, tiny eyes, monstrous phallus. You can be teaching him about manual handling in a dainty, polka dot dress. Suddenly he's all "Duncan itchy!" and then it's all muscled hands and frantic thrusting. Hot breath across the back of your neck.
_______________________________________
Swing and miss.
Some pasty, slightly thick waisted chap. Strong jawed, crooked nose, blood shot eyes and a tidy yet comfortable phallus. We will be in a heated competition of who can drink the most without throwing up/passing out. Crumbs of pork scratchings will linger on the front of his crumpled tee-shirt. He will have OCD and constantly re-organise the beer mats. Sometimes he will need to re-tie his shoe laces and lunge so forcfully down towards the floor he'll consistantly smack his head on the table until he has a semi-permanent coin shaped red mark on his forehead. The sex will be messy and clumsy, proberbly against some piss soaked wall behind the back of the pub. He will mutter in my ear that he loves "doing it" outside, the real reason is not the cheap kicks, but only because he has to make less effort and it increases his chances of me giving him head. We will get chips on the stumble hom, but we will stagger aorund and most of them will end up on the floor, quickly getting soggy in the puddles. I will have to tell him twice that it's not acceptable to eat them once they have fallen into the water. I will be too drunk to make my point clearly and conceed that dry ones and the five second rule applying is ok. I will swear not kiss him for two days following and the next morning with my make-up smeared all over my face and dribble dried to my chin I will forget that I had sworn that when he brings me sweet tea and burnt toast in bed.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 06:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good grief Berty. The mind boggles.
----------------------------------------
The game works both ways you know.
Some bronzed, immaculate fellow. Enormous forehead, tiny eyes, monstrous phallus. You can be teaching him about manual handling in a dainty, polka dot dress. Suddenly he's all "Duncan itchy!" and then it's all muscled hands and frantic thrusting. Hot breath across the back of your neck.
_______________________________________
Swing and miss.
Some pasty, slightly thick waisted chap. Strong jawed, crooked nose, blood shot eyes and a tidy yet comfortable phallus. We will be in a heated competition of who can drink the most without throwing up/passing out. Crumbs of pork scratchings will linger on the front of his crumpled tee-shirt. He will have OCD and constantly re-organise the beer mats. Sometimes he will need to re-tie his shoe laces and lunge so forcfully down towards the floor he'll consistantly smack his head on the table until he has a semi-permanent coin shaped red mark on his forehead. The sex will be messy and clumsy, proberbly against some piss soaked wall behind the back of the pub. He will mutter in my ear that he loves "doing it" outside, the real reason is not the cheap kicks, but only because he has to make less effort and it increases his chances of me giving him head. We will get chips on the stumble hom, but we will stagger aorund and most of them will end up on the floor, quickly getting soggy in the puddles. I will have to tell him twice that it's not acceptable to eat them once they have fallen into the water. I will be too drunk to make my point clearly and conceed that dry ones and the five second rule applying is ok. I will swear not kiss him for two days following and the next morning with my make-up smeared all over my face and dribble dried to my chin I will forget that I had sworn that when he brings me sweet tea and burnt toast in bed.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good grief Berty. The mind boggles.
----------------------------------------
The game works both ways you know.
Some bronzed, immaculate fellow. Enormous forehead, tiny eyes, monstrous phallus. You can be teaching him about manual handling in a dainty, polka dot dress. Suddenly he's all "Duncan itchy!" and then it's all muscled hands and frantic thrusting. Hot breath across the back of your neck.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty do you need a Holiday mate? or is it that time of the month again?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good grief Berty. The mind boggles.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 05:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck the list, send us pictures of you running away from crabs on the beach whilst wearing a baggy shirt at age 17, then you clapping at childrens TV at university with a look of childlike joy on your face, then a picture of you in a rage because somebody put the salt and pepper shakers too close together and then finish with 4 pictures of you in sexy situations aged 19 to 25.
Solid +2 post.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There are good men out there, somewhere, definatly not around here but somewhere there are. It isnt really a suprise that Hollywood lies to us though, after all look at U571.
Next time include the list.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only way she could be better would be if she had a really thick brummy accent.
I am serious here. What more could you want?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What about a hot autistic woman? She'd be all "CHOCOMUT MILKSHAKES! METHOD IS MEANNNNNN", adult boobs packed into a tweenagers spiderman bra. Tounge all blue from sweets, walls covered in mathematical equations...
Ultimate woman.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nor, I might add, should they be allowed to.
"OMG YOU HAVE TEH BEWBZ? Well, you post utter crap BUT OMG BOOBIES?!"
No.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice tits couldn't save this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM BORED BY THE WAY WILL SOMEBODY PLAY WITH ME PLZ
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 04:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Steady, steady. We don't know anything about Jennifer. For all we know she might be a really hot bird. Even better, she might be autistic.
Jennifer, we at Uber (and particularly myself) are HUGE fans of the mentally different. Through the medium of Uber we can all look at the world through a completely different pair of spectacles.
I'm talking about your spectacles Jennifer. I want to look through your spectacles.
That is assuming you have special spectacles. Otherwise we'll just look at pictures of your breasts.
Unless you don't have nice breasts, in which case we may be in trouble.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck it Hurty, don't encourage it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Where's the fucking list you retarded cunt?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*psychos
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In all fairness it looks like you've missed your list off there. Have another crack but type the list in before walloping the submit button.
I love commenting on posts like this. It is like being in Father Ted.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All women love that crap.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-25 03:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for this, really.
How insightful.
Make sure your next post is about how only would be murderers and pychos enjoy horror movies.
ps. Fuck off