Mr. Pope comes to washington (867 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2008-04-17 11:16:09 EDT
"So who is this guy again?" I asked someone next to me. They gave me a disgusted sideways glance.
"You mean the Pope?"
"Yeah. Benny and I go way back and all, but you know, what is his official title?" I corrected to the woman who was forced out of idiotic politeness to engage me in conversation. She looked at me with her jaw hanging slack for a moment, a look that wasn't very becoming.
"That slack-jawed look isn't very becoming." I said. She turned around and walked into the crowd disappearing.
I surveyed the crowd and my surroundings as every spy documentary and training montage had taught me to do. The National Cathedral stood before me and swarming around it were all the faithful. I saw cardinals and priests wandering around blessing the shit out of stuff, and people were weeping and acting crazy. I wondered for a moment if the Pope had ever done a mass with so many fat people.
Although my spy techniques had kicked in, today was my day off. I wasn't going to engage in hand to hand combat with anyone, nor would I be pulled into a spiraling mystery which could unravel the very fabric of my known society. I told myself I wouldn't this morning, I wrote it down on my 'I feel motivated to...' card today, so I was obligated not to.
As I wandered towards the cathedral, a man in a black overcoat and a large top hat walked up to me. He had in his hand a red envelope.
"Beautiful weather isn't it?" He asked me, he also had a monocle which was duct taped firmly to his face. I looked up at the gloomy D.C. sky.
"Uh.... I suppose for vampires." I replied. His face washed over with relief and he walked in towards me, pushing the envelope into my hand.
"You know where this must go." He said with extreme gravitas, the kind of thing I could only get practicing for hours in my mom's basement. Just until a few things pick up you know? It's not permanent.
"You know what is at stake." He finished. I blinked.
"Dude it's my day off." I said, but as the words left my mouth the crowd around us surged and people crushed in towards us. As they did the man in the top hat let out a cry and fell to the ground, a knife protruding from his back. With his last dying words he said, "You know what's at stake! Blaargrh!"
I looked at the red envelope for a second then at the body. It's amazing how many Washington D.C. Catholics ignore an assassination in their mist when the Pope is around.
I felt the winds of intrigue swirling around me, their gusts and gales pushing me towards extreme danger, the unveiling of horrible secrets, and a scene filled with sexual tension between me and a donkey.
"No this is bullshit, it's my day off." I said throwing the red envelope away, and walking into the cathedral.
As I entered I found myself an empty seat and sat down. The cathedral was nice, in a gaudy sort of way, if you like stained glass which I don't because I'm allergic but whatever I was told to just go with it. The man sitting next to me in the pew was wearing the red sash of a cardinal over his shoulders and watching the front of the Cathedral where the Pope was getting his papacy on. The cardinal kept shaking his head sadly and looking at the ground in a way that said he required very little prodding to divulge sensitive information that the Catholic church has been keeping silent for hundreds of years.
"Listen buddy," I said to him heading him off, "I don't want to hear anything that shakes the very foundation of my day to day life. I don't want any exasperated monologues espousing horrible secrets you learned and kept for the good of the faithful. I'm not even Catholic, I just came because Benny and I are good friends from ... another life and I just wanted to give him support."
He looked up at me with sad eyes. A single tear had balled up in one. The look of a man who was totally about to drop some REALLY depressing and revealing monologue.
Please god, don't let him make me terrified of my very existence in this world. I prayed. I mean come on I'm in church it should work right? It never stopped that man who my family CLAIMED was my uncle from doing ... Uh... Never mind.
"It's too late for you HighVoltage." He said sadly. "It's too late."
"Oh god damn it." I murmured as the Pope stood up to the podium. He looked around the crowd surveying it before his eyes rested on me. He face contorted in rage, not a good look I will tell you, and he yelled into the microphone.
"EVERYBODY OUT! OUT OR YOU'RE ALL EXCOMMUNICATED!" He roared. All the Catholics in the church started to wail and ran for the doors. The Cardinal next to me let out a sob.
"It is too late for you my son." He said sadly. I stared blankly at him.
"What the fuck home slice?" I asked as the church cleared out. Several cardinals came towards me with guns drawn and pointed at me.
"His Holiness wants to speak to you." They said. I looked around annoyed and stood up, because the last thing I had wanted today was a shadowy conversation with the head of the Catholic church at gunpoint.
The Cardinals kept me flanked and walked me up to the Pope. Benedict sat in a gold gilded chair with the red envelope I had thrown away earlier in his hand.
"You thought you could hide with your secret didn't you?" The pope asked.
"Benny dude what's up?" I asked trying to play it cool. He waggled the red letter towards me.
"We were on to you the moment you walked into the city. All this has been... planned." He said throwing the letter at my feet.
"Pick it up! READ IT!" He yelled. I did as I was instructed, trying to dispel any ideas that I cared at all about the terrible undisclosed horror I was about to learn. I ripped the letter open, inside was a slip of paper with two words on it.
The words were... "Frilly Lace"
The pope stood up.
"You knew this code didn't you! You knew that Frilly Lace was one of my email passwords back on AOL 3.0. And you knew the password that replaced it was The Dead See, a clever play on words referring to the Dead Sea Scrolls where it explicitly states that one day a dark Pope will take over God's house and usher in an era of darkness and mankind's servitude to the Prince of Fire and Hell! And you knew from that that I was the dark Pope prophesied didn't you!?!?!" He roared at me, a bit of spittle coming off his lip and falling to the floor. While he was talking I couldn't help but stare at the spittle in grotesque fascination.
"Nasty dude..." I whispered to myself looking at the spittle.
"Well it's too late you see." Benedict continued as the gun wielding Cardinals began to inch in towards me. "It's too late, you can't stop us. Not you, NOT ANYONE!"
"I don't want to stop you...." I said, but right as the words left my mouth the Cardinal I had sat next to on the pew lunged forward and grabbed a gun and began firing.
"HighVoltage! I'll buy you time! Stop them!" He yelled out as a firefight erupted in the middle of the Cathedral.
"No." I said turning around and walking towards the exit.
Over the sounds of gunfire I heard the pope yell out "HE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE, GET HIM!" and bullets began whizzing by my head. I made a hasty retreat outside where police were waiting. A rough detective who had been on the force too long and seen too many deplorable things, but really had a heart of gold that kept him going and protecting the people he believed in walked up to me.
"Good job kid. I sent some squads around back, we followed your lead and it brought us right to the biggest conspiracy in history." He said putting a warm hand on my shoulder and giving me a rare smile.
"I have to get home in time for my Family Guy download." I said. He let out a hearty laugh as police officers ran into the church and then emerged with the pope and his cardinals handcuffed in tow.
"And remember, we're even now okay HighVoltage?" He said to me walking away towards his squad car. I scratched my nose for a second and looked across the lawn of the Cathedral. Standing there was a donkey.
For a moment, I looked at him.
He looked at me.
Our eyes met.
Locked. Dancing with one another.
We stared for what felt like hours.
Blissful hours where the dreams of our hearts could be free.
"Son of a bitch it was my day off." I said wandering home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Little_Cesil (user info) at 2009-04-23 18:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you big brother! You kick ass!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-19 15:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol alb
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-18 05:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-17 19:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You used to write about your office hijinx, and killing your coworkers.
I remember you.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-17 17:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-17 15:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like my assassins failed....I mean...um....glad to see you're not dead. Carry on.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-17 15:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this should be B@W
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2008-04-17 14:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pope hats are like pimp hats
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-17 13:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank You
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Good luck on your next day "off."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-04-17 10:52:34 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Say, when's that podcast gonna be coming out?
========
Capt. I have been agonizing over that. My computer, my beautiful princess, got a virus from the software I downloaded to record the podcast. The whole thing died and I have been gone for so long because I had to build a new one.
I still want to make it, but need to find a suitable recording program.
On the plus side, I voted for your song on American Idol. Has that turned out yet?
===================
Bummer. I'd recommend Cool Edit Pro or Audacity, depending on your O/S, if you're looking for something basic to record with. As far as the AI song...not sure how you voted for it...it didn't make the cut for the final 20...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-17 12:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HIGHVOLTAGE!!! YAY!!!
Now to read.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to refuse to steal the popemobile for your fantastic getaway chase scene
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Say, when's that podcast gonna be coming out?
========
Capt. I have been agonizing over that. My computer, my beautiful princess, got a virus from the software I downloaded to record the podcast. The whole thing died and I have been gone for so long because I had to build a new one.
I still want to make it, but need to find a suitable recording program.
On the plus side, I voted for your song on American Idol. Has that turned out yet?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck Catholics.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, you'd jerk it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 CIRCLE JERK
:)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
especially the inclusion of the 'AND SHIT'
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha @ below
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD WHERE'VE YOU BEEN WE'VE BEEN MISSING YOU AND SHIT.
Classic H_V900..so good for my Recovering Catholic soul.
You're far funnier than The Family Guy.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU!
It's YOU!!!
Say, when's that podcast gonna be coming out?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good. Not that it matters, but isn't the National Cathedral Episcopalian? Or did I just make that up?
=============
That sort of information could be found with lots of research.
Who do you take me for?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good. Not that it matters, but isn't the National Cathedral Episcopalian? Or did I just make that up?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*POPEGASM*
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too hungover to read this.
Petrone is the devils piss.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-17 11:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh god...now sacrilicious will be all in here asking where you've been and talking about missing you and shit.
just stay gone.
we all hate you now.
ps, i didn't even read this