Did I Steal Your Chapstick in Atlantic City, New Jersey Last Summer? (1272 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.83 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val (View user info) at 2008-04-12 17:39:32 EDT
One night after an evening of drinking in Atlantic City, New Jersey I walked hand in hand with a large packaged, promiscuous brown haired manly man. Although his name escapes me, I do remember that he had cherry-flavored chapstick that he kept reapplying because he liked the taste of it. And we laugh at dogs for sniffing each other's ass.
Fortunately I was in town for a weekend of gambling away my life's savings and would not have to see him after I left the next day. Something about the wedding ring on his finger did not sit well with me for some reason but his penis reassured me it was of no concern. The considerable amount of vodka in my system seconded the motion and I was outvoted 2 to 1. God bless democracy.
We walked down the skreet in what could definitely not be described as a straight line. He said something about going to Showboat. It's not that I love going to the old people casino in the middle of God's Country at 3 am, but what the hell else was there to do? After staggering a few blocks I looked up and immediately thought that someone either spiked his Blistex or my Bloody Mary because I was looking at a giant cesspool of the half-dead surrounded by Mardi Gras-themed penny slots. No ninjas. No pirates (although a few of the elderly donned eyepatches and wooden legs). Lots of homeless. Lots of drunks. This was becoming more interesting with each awkward inebriated step.
He explained where we were but my attention was focused on the others who were gathering there. There were several couples swaying much like we were. It was a George Romero zombie convention if all the zombies were shit faced and over 75. Apparently, this was some urban version of "lover's lane" for drunken bar relationships. There was a path that circled around the smoking section going up and down stairs, twisting and turning, going through the poker tables, and flanked every so often by plain-clothes prostitutes. By drunks, for drunks. Oh the beauty of it all.
We staggered around every so often and stopped to point out drunks in jazzies whenever one came across. At one point, our genitals told us to just get down in the bathroom on the vanity. His penis made a joke as he asked if I was wet. I laughed. We fucked. How's that for foreplay?
While I got on top of him I looked around occasionally to see if there was a crowd of grandparents gathering to watch the event. What I saw was a homeless guy passed out 25 feet away by the hand dryer. He noticed that I saw the vagrant. Without missing a beat or altering my rhythm, I told him they were mostly harmless and wouldn't bother anyone. How romantic.
After finishing we laid in a puddle of someone else's urine until it went from sexy to silly. We got up and wandered off to the hotel. He came for a little bit and dried off with a towel. He said that his wife would wonder if he came home all crusty and smelling like vajay. I bet she's a smart lass.
He gave me a kiss after drying off and with the light in my room I could tell that he wasn't as hot as he once was when I was more intoxicated. I found comfort in knowing that the same was probably being thought by him about me. Neither one of us wanted to wake up in the morning and hear "oh shit what did I do last night". When it comes out as a statement instead of a question, it doesn't get much worse.
A few hours later I woke up soaked and slightly hung over. In the shower, I laughed as I looked down on the floor and saw a few used condoms. I checked the pockets of my wet clothes and found cherry-flavored Chapstick, half a pack of cigarettes and $45 dollars. None of those items were mine but the pants were. Apparently I am a pick pocket when I am drunk and having sex in the bathroom of an old folks' casino.
I would love to say this is fictional and did not happen. There are many people who will read this and say that this is fictional and did not happen. I know that it did and I can't wait until I go to Atlantic City for more debauchery. Besides, I need to give that guy his Blistex back.
User Reviews
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-05-04 10:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-16 19:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome parody
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-04-14 18:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-14 11:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think we've lived close to one another.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-14 11:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Again, I say, here is the original: http://www.ubersite.com/m/116112
Submitted by Occams_Razor (user info) at 2008-04-14 09:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For fuck's sake, have a little pride in yourself.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-14 09:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU STUPID BITCH IM PREGNANT
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-14 09:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-04-14 09:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-04-14 08:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminded me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urpMQ-2KNho
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-14 06:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-14 05:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just put on some carmex :(
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-14 05:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-13 15:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no man should use chapstick unless they are called caul then its the law.
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youre right, we should all just walk around with chalky cactus lips and also fuck that windburn shit, windburn is for women. Carmex is pussy repellent.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-04-14 04:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-13 15:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no man should use chapstick unless they are called caul then its the law.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-04-13 15:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-04-13 15:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post more, eh??
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-13 14:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-13 13:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem quite neat.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-04-13 00:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I came.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-13 00:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When someone takes the time to parody your work on ubersite, you have officially made your mark.
thanks, funny read by the way
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-12 23:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll give you a dollar if you keep posting on the regular
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-12 22:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-12 20:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-12 18:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Val's back.
Yes, she's finally out of jail.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have to call you back, do I?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you're next aj bahahaha
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW, YOU FUCKED HIM TOO??
LETS SEE, GEORGE, DAVE, AND NOW DONKEY.
WOW, YOU ARE A WHORE IN THE LITERAL SENSE.
EVER FUCK ANYONE YOU DIDN'T MEET ON THE INTERNET??
NO WONDER GUYS DON'T CALL YOU BACK
ALL DUDES FROM UBER SHOULD GO CAMPING I'M SURE VAL WILL FUCK AT LEAST HALF OF YOU, ALTHOUGH I DON'T THINK SHE'S VERY GOOD SINCE THEY NEVER COME BACK FOR SECONDS AND HIT ON OTHER CHICKS THE VERY NEXT DAY RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!
YIKES, TRUTH IS BRUTAL.
***
Editing is fun. =)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'm Valerie and I was in AC last summer..
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imitation is the highest form of flattery
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-12 17:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the original masterpiece can be found here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/116112