I think my backyard is getting smaller (1127 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl (View user info) at 2008-04-07 13:17:52 EDT
It's spring now. The snow is melted and the weather is finally warm again. I walked outside to take out the garbage, and paused for a moment on my back porch. My backyard is smaller than I remember it. As I walked out I noted a spider spastically spinning a web by the door. I used to be afraid of them, but I just regarded it with respect and interest.
When I moved into the condo with my family in the summer of 1998 after my granddad died, I thought the backyard was huge, spanning three lots. It curved all the way around my house in a wide grassy arc, from the peach trees and large sheds to the slide and playset to the long slabs of stone that marked where the pool once stood, and the fence ran to the street. Holes dotted the yard where my dog had dug, and yellow daisies and dandelions would grow in the summer.
It's ten years later. My dog is dead. The stones and the pool are long removed. The backyard grew smaller over the years, with an addition of a new deck, the removal of the slide and swings, and a new driveway that ate into much of the backyard. The woodchuck that lived under our shed to the vexation of our dogs and cats rots in his burrow.
It was a backyard where I played in the sprinkler-drenched mud when I was 8, and camped out under the stars when I was 11, and rescued my trapped dog from under the deck when I was 14, and sat down on a hot summer night next to my first girlfriend to hear my dad explain how he called the White House to ask for his vote back when I was 16.
I turned 18 a few days ago. My facebook wall and cell phone blew up with comments and texts saying happy birthday. I usually don't take too much stock in that kind of stuff, especially those gay "top friends" applications on facebook, but like everyone it perks me up to see that I'm on someone else's top friends. The school year is winding down, and everyone feels like they're almost ready to leave. People were never big on cliques where I went, and there was never any bullying, but all in all everyone feels calm and relaxed.
I'm 99% sure I know where I'm going to college. It's a school about two hundred miles away, that gave me a good scholarship, and is big on political science. 1990 being the largest year of child births since the end of the Second World War, my class fought harder than ever to get into colleges. I had a straight sweep of all 13 schools I applied to, but could barely afford any of them, despite getting thousands in scholarships.
It's almost over though. I have a month until the AP exams and finals, and I graduate in early June. Some of my friends are going to Gettysburg, Dartmouth, Boston College, Stevens, Miami, Georgetown and TCNJ. One notable guido is attending Johnson and Wales. School is mostly relaxing now. I know I'll miss high school, but I can't wait until the summer, and to attend college.
I've been listening to a lot of Lil Wayne recently. A friend of mine played a song of his in the car, and I heard Lollipop on the radio a few days ago. I thought he was just an overrated who got lucky how he became so popular so quickly until I heard "Georgia Bush" that is an awesome song no matter what you listen to. All the ghetto kids sing "N.O. Nigga" and "Ask Dem Hoes" in class; Weezy's popularity and massive amount of songs released is astounding. I've grown to like him a bit more, and even to appreciate lines of genius like
"Money money money get a dolla get a dick
Got money out the ass, no homo but I'm rich"
Which basically comprise 90% of his lyrics.
My dad knows a lot more about rap than I give him credit for. I was talking to him about early hip hop, and he was able to rattle off a whole bunch of names that I thought there's no way a 47-year-old deadhead could know.
I was born and raised in North Jersey, and I lived the first years of my life a stone's throw from the slums of downtown Paterson, by the Passaic River. It was the cheapest place for a new family to buy a house, and my parents settled into a tiny house with about three feet separating it from the next house over. It was a hugely Hispanic and black population, and my dad was one of the only white guys on the block. On Sunday afternoons the Spanish guys would sit out in the sun working on their cars, listening to rap music, and my dad would sit out with them, hanging out and listening to Tone Loc, Tupac Shakur, and N.W.A.
It was a gritty town that had once been a center of industry, but had fallen badly over the years. Murder and gang warfare took place far too commonly, and the parks of the 4th Ward were the places where all the suburban white kids from only a few miles away came to buy trees. The towns around Paterson were the older towns, where the streets and houses were bunched together, where families had lived there a lot longer, where the population and crime was higher, and where the industries had abandoned, sinking down into the Passaic River leaving empty lots and apartment buildings hosting shootouts and drug overdoses.
There's a road leading from hilly Hasbrouck Heights facing the beautiful skyline of New York City. Directly below is Teterboro Airport, and the stacked cities of the Palisades, and beyond that and the river are the tall silver minarets of the city of Manhattan. I've lived all my life seeing those metal towers, hundreds of feet high, the most beautiful sight in the world to me. Ayn Rand said in the Fountainhead:
"I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline. Particularly when one can't see the details. Just the shapes. The shapes and the thought that made them. The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need? And then people tell me about pilgrimages to some dank pesthole in a jungle where they go to do homage to a crumbling temple, to a leering stone monster with a pot belly, created by some leprous savage. Is it beauty and genius they want to see? Do they seek a sense of the sublime? Let them come to New York, stand on the shore of the Hudson, look and kneel. When I see the city from my window - no, I don't feel how small I am - but I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body."
In the other direction down the road leads to a hill overlooking the city of Paterson, and out to the Watchung Mountains in the distance that loom like giants over the hollowed-out city. Down that street I sometimes drive, past abandoned factories and shipping plants disused since World War II, and the hazy brutal borderline of streets that separate the run-down from the affluent. In such a dense area of the world, the border of places that are rich, with McMansions and Starbucks, no sidewalk in sight, towns of nothing but suburb, and places with violence done on the streets, and poverty and economic depression - the border is always a thin line.
There's a strange, earthy sort of beauty in this place. Not beautiful because of spiked-haired guidos doing 90 down a highway blasting techno, or because of broken-down factories and mills in a community that the recession hit long ago. Beautiful in its eclectic mix of authenticity and base consumer-driven happiness. Beautiful in its position - a mile or two from New York City, with the city's power entirely in its view, but separate and different from the city's domination.
I'll be leaving this place of beauty soon. It could seem trite or ridiculous to attach that kind of emotional significance to a place, especially a place many people consider ugly or debased, the "armpit of America." But I've grown up here and have seen the beauty and rawness of nature coupled with humanity, of nature married to industrialization and violence, all under the watchful gaze of the skyline of New York City. I'll be leaving my smaller backyard, and when I return in four years, maybe it will be even smaller.
I guess it's true that people think that just because their lives were a certain, that's the way everything should be. Everyone keeps living on and on, and even though my childhood had a large backyard, maybe it was always small for my parents, and they can't understand this nostalgia. Just because life was a certain way in your lifetime doesn't mean it always was, or always will be. People complain that less people are reading these days. Historically, few people could read, and reading as a cultural concept peaked in the early 1900s, before radio and television. But people still keep that attachment. Without attachment, who knows, or can only guess what the future might bring.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something these days, about to leave, and say a silent goodbye to the land where I was brought up. I'm an adult now. I'll lose my attachment, but I can never forget when I lived here, and how my backyard was much bigger long ago.
User Reviews
Submitted by DrKennethNoisewater (user info) at 2008-05-23 11:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this and usually enjoy a reminiscent type story. Everyone has a view on things and 10 people tell the same story 10 different ways - I love that kind of thing. Nice one.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-09 14:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgive them, they know naught what huge douchebags they are (camwhore) (Rating: 0.71 on 31 reviews, last by haikumikoo 254 days ago)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 04:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Only because I'm pretty sure I remember you went to a Linkin Park concert...and on purpose.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I graduated high school 2 years ago now. This was kind of nice to read; it's pretty much how I felt as I was leaving, but I'm not exactly as articulate as you when it comes to putting my thoughts into text. It looks like we'll be going two entirely different directions in life but if you're anything like me, you'll find that you'll learn more about life in the next 2 years than your first 18 alive.
May or may not mean anything to you, but the biggest mistakes I've made were when I compromised my expectations.
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2 different directions, as in art degree v. liberal arts degree? what part of the country are you going to college in (I know it's not really good to put too much personal info on Uber, but just a general idea)
What do you mean by compromising expectations? I have a lot of expectations of college, but I know a lot can change, especially from friends who are there already.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that you're all looking forward to going to Uni and having sex with girls and making lots of great friends and forging a career for yourself.
And Everything.
But I really think you should lend some thought to dropping out, joining the Black Panthers and then becoming a seedy photo-journalist.
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I don't think I'm ghetto enough.
It took me a while to figure out what you meant by Uni...i thought it was like the University of Nigeria International or something...
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I graduated high school 2 years ago now. This was kind of nice to read; it's pretty much how I felt as I was leaving, but I'm not exactly as articulate as you when it comes to putting my thoughts into text. It looks like we'll be going two entirely different directions in life but if you're anything like me, you'll find that you'll learn more about life in the next 2 years than your first 18 alive.
May or may not mean anything to you, but the biggest mistakes I've made were when I compromised my expectations.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-08 11:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that you're all looking forward to going to Uni and having sex with girls and making lots of great friends and forging a career for yourself.
And Everything.
But I really think you should lend some thought to dropping out, joining the Black Panthers and then becoming a seedy photo-journalist.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-08 07:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember the first time that I had been away from my Gram's house for an extended period of time. See her house was the only constant, as far as houses went, throughout my childhood, but I remember how small it was going back after 9 years.
You know me, I love these kinds of posts.
Also, will they ever finish that fucking steel albatross on Main Street....what a an eyesore.
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I haven't been in Paterson all that much recently outside of track meets, and a short visit to North Paterson by the bridge into Fairlawn. What county do you live exactly again MW? or do you live in the city itself.
I moved to a town that's a little more quieter and suburban...still has its share of problems but it's a great place to live. Thinking of walking out now to go to the 7-11...
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Man, I live all the way down in Burlington County, South Jersey....I just work up here in Hawthorne and have to drive through Paterson everyday.
Is this taken from the lawn of that Stone Apt. Building on the hill?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-08 05:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-04-08 02:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome work
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-07 22:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice
stay the course you're on, kid, and you'll turn out just fine.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-04-07 22:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I like you and all, but stay in character, Daxolotl can't write like this
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-04-07 21:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 19:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know where you get your introspection gene. I'm a 47-year-old deadhead too. Ask your dad if ever saw any summer shows in Buffalo upstate.
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I'm sure he has, he's seen the Dead all over. His older brothers were a little more into it because they went to shows in the late 60s early 70s when the dead were at their prime. I saw them once, in August '04 at Jones Beach NYC...my dad has seen them at least 20 times.
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I've been to 37 shows, toured with them for three weeks all over California once in the 80s. Last show I saw was in Indianapolis, when the second night all the NIN punks tore down the fence and closed the show early. A couple months later Jerry and the 60s died in rehab. There was NOTHING like a Grateful Dead show. Good times, good times. Tell your dad I said to smile smile smile.
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Hey now!
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-07 20:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bravo, such spirited words
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 19:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know where you get your introspection gene. I'm a 47-year-old deadhead too. Ask your dad if ever saw any summer shows in Buffalo upstate.
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I'm sure he has, he's seen the Dead all over. His older brothers were a little more into it because they went to shows in the late 60s early 70s when the dead were at their prime. I saw them once, in August '04 at Jones Beach NYC...my dad has seen them at least 20 times.
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I've been to 37 shows, toured with them for three weeks all over California once in the 80s. Last show I saw was in Indianapolis, when the second night all the NIN punks tore down the fence and closed the show early. A couple months later Jerry and the 60s died in rehab. There was NOTHING like a Grateful Dead show. Good times, good times. Tell your dad I said to smile smile smile.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-04-07 17:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lurve you, Axo.
Can I join your fanclub?
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2008-04-07 17:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir... are well spoken.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-04-07 17:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you DO live in New Jersey.
+2 because I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment, just more Southern and probably a tad more suburban.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-07 16:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had that same feeling except it regarded my penis...
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must say that I work in north Jersy and I cant see why anyone would want to remenisce about Paterson. But hey, Im from a ghetto town too and I fucking love it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember the first time that I had been away from my Gram's house for an extended period of time. See her house was the only constant, as far as houses went, throughout my childhood, but I remember how small it was going back after 9 years.
You know me, I love these kinds of posts.
Also, will they ever finish that fucking steel albatross on Main Street....what a an eyesore.
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I haven't been in Paterson all that much recently outside of track meets, and a short visit to North Paterson by the bridge into Fairlawn. What county do you live exactly again MW? or do you live in the city itself.
I moved to a town that's a little more quieter and suburban...still has its share of problems but it's a great place to live. Thinking of walking out now to go to the 7-11...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spectacular. i didn't think i could ever feel nostalgia for that stupid region of stupid NJ, and i still don't, but this legitimately made me understand why you do. nice work.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-04-07 15:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know where you get your introspection gene. I'm a 47-year-old deadhead too. Ask your dad if ever saw any summer shows in Buffalo upstate.
---------
I'm sure he has, he's seen the Dead all over. His older brothers were a little more into it because they went to shows in the late 60s early 70s when the dead were at their prime. I saw them once, in August '04 at Jones Beach NYC...my dad has seen them at least 20 times.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't read this thing. The title, the first and last sentences...they suggest this is a wistful piece. I hate wistfulness.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember the first time that I had been away from my Gram's house for an extended period of time. See her house was the only constant, as far as houses went, throughout my childhood, but I remember how small it was going back after 9 years.
You know me, I love these kinds of posts.
Also, will they ever finish that fucking steel albatross on Main Street....what a an eyesore.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know where you get your introspection gene. I'm a 47-year-old deadhead too. Ask your dad if ever saw any summer shows in Buffalo upstate.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's all part of your dad's lawn reduction program. he, like I, instituted said plan w/ the hope that eventually he wouldn 't have so much to mow.
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This is why I threw in the fish pond. Sure there was the digging, the constant work on the waterfalls, the managing of the ph level, the maintenance of the filters... shit, I should just fill it in and throw some grass seed on top.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Good use of critical detail. Only thing I'd have to say is consider the "adult" part. You're at a different stage in your journey than you were when you were eight, but there are no definite layovers or mile markers where you're going. I felt like I was an adult at 16, and 18, and 21 and 25 an 27 and 30, and I am no closer to being my father now than I was then.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's all part of your dad's lawn reduction program. he, like I, instituted said plan w/ the hope that eventually he wouldn 't have so much to mow.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-07 14:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too much info.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well-written, as always.
I'm sure you know this, but there are places you can get thousands of dollars in grants.
Good luck.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're really good at writing nostalgia for being so young. That's a good thing- shows you appreciate things in ways a lot of people don't until they're older and have missed out on some chances.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're really good at writing nostalgia for being so young. That's a good thing- shows you appreciate things in ways a lot of people don't until they're older and have missed out on some chances.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-07 13:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)