Find Jesus or BURN IN HELL. (1409 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.6 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Delete This Account (View user info) at 2008-03-24 11:55:22 EDT
What would Jesus do if he logged into ubersite? Bart would be called "home" immediately where his soul would promptly be given to Satan for creating this evil creature.
Bart would cry that "there is no heaven or hell" as he is placed into his own special area of hell designed just for him.
"This isn't so bad." Bart says as demons lead him into a small room not unlike his apartment. A computer is there logged onto the internet. "Hey! It's ubersite! Cool!"
But it isn't cool, Bart. That's the only website this computer picks up. And once you sit down in that chair, you're there forever. Reading every single post that comes up... for all time.
If Mr. Cilfone would be subjected to this kind of torture, do you think he'd keep this place alive? Do you think he'd risk eternal damnation for us? Unlikely. Instead Bart lives on in his ignorance that his ubersite-only computer isn't waiting for him right now.
And everyone will have their own hell waiting for them. Visiting ubersite is like stamping your soul with a giant "reject" stamp.
I can't wait until Oathmeal dies and he arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. He can try to muscle up to Saint Peter but then Jesus will come out from behind those gates as everyone gathers around. A fist fight between Jesus and Oath will ensue and he'll promptly get his ass kicked by Jesus's sweet kung-fu moves. Beaten and bloodied, Oathmeal's soul will descend down to hell.
Shlongy is in trouble as well. While he will be respected for keeping "undesirables" off the greens, his time spent on ubersite will condemn his soul to Satan as well. It is likely that Satan will use him to further his evil agendas and send Mr. Shlongy back to earth. I am of the belief he has died already and the shlongy we all know now is in league with the devil...helping send more souls.
Rob Berg? Obviously going to Hell....where he'll be happier than here on earth.
Caulaincourt will be locked in a room with Eric Rice. There will be plenty of young girls around too... voyeuristic mall pictures plastered all over the walls. Unfortunately, the Devil has given Mr. Rice the gift of never sleeping while Mr. Caulaincourt will be cursed with falling asleep for 10 minutes every hour. You're in big trouble, dude. At least you'll be able to console yourself with the daily delivery of McDonalds to chow down on.
Loki will be going to hell where the only nature walk she'll be on is a 3'x3' cubicle plastered with televisions where the Carolina Panthers are getting an ass kicking from the Bucs. She will be forced to grow her hair down to her ass and wear a dress. Make sure you get those TPS reports finished every hour on the hour.
Find Jesus. I implore you all to find him before a gang of bible thumpers have to break down your door and beat your ass in the name of Jesus Christ. Accept Jesus into your life and you can write interesting stories to turn ubersite into a lovefest of forgiveness and John 3:16 type scripture talking instead of the hatefest it is now.
Jesus can lead you out of this darkness. He hasn't replaced heaven's lights with compact fluorescent bulbs.
Ah fuck it. Why should I convince you to find Jesus when we know you're all going to hell and have accepted this fate? I can't wait to get to heaven so I can smoke some kick ass weed with Jesus himself.
Wait. Drugs are illegal in heaven, too? FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!!! I almost found Jesus... I guess it is going to have to wait. Nevermind what I've written.
User Reviews
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-25 14:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 19:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-03-25 19:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was joking.
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heh, I know.
I did enjoy the link, though.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-03-25 19:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was joking. finding jesus behind the couch aint exactly a novel idea.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 19:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-03-25 08:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 03:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I coulda swore that fucker was behind the couch.
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rob, you know how ive mentioned from time to time that you copy me...?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72953
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um... I stole that from a bumper sticker - maybe 'they' stole it from you?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-25 10:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 New Chemist Position Promotion for S.I. Co. Semen
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-03-25 08:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 03:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I coulda swore that fucker was behind the couch.
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rob, you know how ive mentioned from time to time that you copy me...?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72953
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 03:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I coulda swore that fucker was behind the couch.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2008-03-25 01:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im drunk so +2
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait. Drugs are illegal in heaven, too? FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!!!
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Weed isn't a drug, it's a plant. God made it, therefore it is allowed in heaven.
____________________
God also made rattlesnakes and hurricanes.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-03-24 22:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 16:41:13 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait. Drugs are illegal in heaven, too? FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!!!
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Weed isn't a drug, it's a plant. God made it, therefore it is allowed in heaven. I'd like to cite Genesis 1:11-12 and Genesis 1:29. Go ahead and look it up, it's right there on the first page of the Bible.
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Oh sweet. It is back on! FUCK ALL OF YOU HEATHENS!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-24 21:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, come on. What would you rather have--salvation or a submarine hit?
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait. Drugs are illegal in heaven, too? FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!!!
------------------------------------------------
Weed isn't a drug, it's a plant. God made it, therefore it is allowed in heaven. I'd like to cite Genesis 1:11-12 and Genesis 1:29. Go ahead and look it up, it's right there on the first page of the Bible.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like hell.
I had a big day on a "boat" two weeks ago...after winning a tournament on the way out, I then won so much money at the $2-$5 cash game - and yes, there were plenty of $1 and $5 chips in the mix, along with $25 (greens) and $100 (blacks)- that I needed two and half racks to stack 'em and lug them to the window for cash.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-03-24 16:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they have a $5-$10 No Limit game in "hell"???
*****
nope, $4-$8 No Limit game where i live and with $1 chips!
you have to keep them in racks and it takes 5 minutes or more to scrape the pot when you win
now that's hell!
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 16:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found Jesus. He was in the garage, installing a set of sweet ceramic coated tri-Y headers. For you see, Jesus built my hotrod.
____________________
Best.
Ministry.
Reference.
Ever.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-03-24 16:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When Uber is full, the alters shall walk the Earth.
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This cracked me up, FG.
Ah, yes... uberers are a certain kind of special. We are each a fallen angel.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-24 15:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-24 14:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank the devil for hell. A nice warm place, with reservations for all.
Try to get that service on this ball of dirt.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-24 14:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rob Berg will be able to visit all his hippy friends in Hell. They can hang out and sing campfire songs and lead daily protests against Jack McCallum and the Repubs next door.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to rate
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus would rate like the uniter
judgemental fuck
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What would Jesus do?
He would buy raffle tickets.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If Jesus logged into Ubersite, he would randomely review posts with pithy jokes about how Method's Mom is a whore.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If hell is anything like robot hell and I get to talk to the robot devil, I'm in. FUTURAMA IS BACK, WOOO!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Visiting ubersite is like stamping your soul with a giant 'reject' stamp."
____________________
indeed.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found Jesus. He was in the garage, installing a set of sweet ceramic coated tri-Y headers. For you see, Jesus built my hotrod.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Beaten and bloodied, Oathmeal's soul will descend down to hell."
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I have absolutely no problem with this.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA! That always makes me laugh.
Well fuck.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they have a $5-$10 No Limit game in "hell"???
Save me a seat.
And, at least I won't have to hang out with Mrs. Shlongy through eternity because she's going to heaven. At least that's what she tells me.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When Uber is full, the alters shall walk the Earth.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Visiting ubersite is like stamping your soul with a giant 'reject' stamp."
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Have you been watching to much Bill and Ted?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was hoping this was gonna be one of those "Where's Waldo" things.
:(
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I lol'd.