I Buried a Bunny on Easter (899 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.41 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ENV3NOM (View user info) at 2008-03-24 11:11:45 EDT
Some folks celebrate Easter by decorating eggs, putting together Easter baskets, attending church with their families or having a large home cooked dinner. Me? I buried a bunny on Easter. Ironic? Yes, however this isn't irony for irony's sake but rather a tragic tale of the wild, one that reminds us our domesticated feline friends are only slightly removed from their more ferocious cousins - imbedded with the instincts to hunt and to kill and to show no mercy.
'Twas the night before Easter and all through the house was heard my girlfriend's moaning as I removed her blouse. Just as things were about to get exciting a visitor came running through the room with a mound of fur clutched tightly in it's jaws whilst I worked my way towards a similar position.
My girlfriend immediately made note of this but didn't say anything, thinking I'd gotten the cat some type of furry chew-toy, perhaps a stuffed mouse, although she noted this questionable object was much closer to the size of a rat or a baby possum. Still, she didn't allow this to spoil the mood and I proceeded to undress her and work my way towards pay-dirt.
It was about that time that I heard a peculiar noise, somewhat reminiscent of the sound a squeaky toy makes when your dog is chewing it feverishly, only I don't have a dog and my cat has no such toys. In the back of my mind this struck me as odd, but as a man of focus and tremendous will power I continued with the task at hand. Moments later I heard the sound again but this time it grew louder. This was finally enough to prompt me to remove my head from between her beckoning thighs.
As I turned around and saw the object clutched between the cat's jaws I was immediately confused. "What the fuck is that?" I inquired. At first glance I thought it was a squirrel or a chipmunk but this object seemed much too round. If this mound of fur was once in fact a chipmunk it was no longer recognizable as such. The cat immediately dropped the object at the top of the stairs and bolted from the scene.
As I approached the furry football-shaped object it immediately became clear what I was dealing with - a baby bunny.
My girlfriend immediately took note our new-found furry friend, now drenched in cat-saliva. "Awwww it's cute...can week keep it?" she inquired.
"No, we can't keep it. We can't take care of this thing...it looks ok, it's just quivering because it's paralyzed from fear. We need to put it outside once it calms down so it can find it's mother."
"You're so mean...you can't just put it outside."
"Well what you want me to do with it? If we don't do something soon it's going to jump and then we'll never catch this thing. It will be stuck in this house forever, probably wedged behind the refrigerator or something."
"I can't believe you..."
This went on for quite some time, trying to figure out what to do with our new friend. It was clear we weren't getting anywhere when suddenly the bunny did what bunnies do and hopped almost a foot in the air, scaring the piss out of my girlfriend and causing her to shriek.
Now that she was sufficiently scared of the wild beast (visions of Monty Python running through my head) I was free to remove it from our home. As I went to grab the rabbit to take it outside however something unexpected happened. The bunny jumped again, flailing wildly towards the stairs and landed awkwardly, causing it to bounce head over-heels down the stairs like a slinky. I saw the entire thing happen in slow motion as it landed first on it's head, then bounced falling down to the next step landing on it's hind quarters, then down to the next step landing on it's head once again crushing it's spinal column, so on and so forth, one step after the next.
At this point the bunny which previously had only appeared scared now appeared to have broken it's leg and possibly it's neck as well. Hmmmm....didn't see that one coming.
As the bunny lay motionless on the steps I checked to see if it was breathing and alas it was, but barely. My girlfriend who only moments before was petitioning for her humanitarian of the year award and seat on the board of PITA, was now calmly reading her magazine debating which Spears sister would be better served as the poster child for birth control.
"What should I do with it?" I asked.
"I don't know, put it in a box or something."
"Well go get me a box," I exclaimed, holding the mangled ball of fur.
"I can't, I'm reading my magazine."
"Well it's going to die in my hands if we don't do something."
"So just put it outside then."
And so there it was. There was nothing left to do but return our little friend to the wild. Much like totaling a rental car on a drunken joy-ride in Vegas and then reporting it stolen, we were going to walk away and pretend like this never happened.
I set the rabbit outside. "We'll check on it in 20 mins...it should be gone by then. If it's still there it's probably not a good sign."
Twenty minutes later, the rabbit hadn't moved an inch.
I went outside come morning and our furry friend remained unmoved. I poked it with a stick, as is the universally accepted method of checking for vital signs, and it was clear the cute little ball of fur had moved on to a better place.
Unsatisfied with my diagnosis, my girlfriend who was previously deathly afraid of the animal insisted on picking it up. "Ilk it smells," she exclaimed."
"Why are you touching it? You're not supposed to handle animal corpses, especially right before breakfast."
Undaunted she put the rabbit in a zip-lock bag and I went to the garage to retrieve the shovel. It was clear we would be having our own service on Easter-Sunday.
We set the rabbit aside and forgot about it for awhile, consuming some margaritas, several bottles of wine and enjoying a nice lunch of grilled salmon marinated in bourbon and a light and tangy barbeque glaze.
As late afternoon approached, we returned to our duties and I began digging a hole in the back yard. Sadly, by this time I was severely intoxicated and dropped our friend repeatedly, accidentally stepping on him on at least one occasion. "I hope he can't feel that," I exclaimed as I cringed.
Perhaps it was just the alcohol, but even though part of me felt horrible I still had to choke back a laugh.
"It's not funny," my girlfriend shouted, also trying not to laugh.
"I know it's not funny. In fact, I find how un-funny it is to be particularly hilarious."
Here I was, burying a bunny on Easter.
Lord, please forgive me.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2008-08-05 19:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
herro sexy
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2008-03-28 08:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack, you're a decent writer but I think you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. If I had held it for five minutes longer the thing would have died in my hands.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-27 18:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Unacceptable behavior.
If you took it to a local vet and said you found it like this but had no money for anything they would have just put it down. There's a fine line between being cool and being a dick with no empathy, and you broad-jumped over the fucker.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-03-26 15:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE DEAD!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-25 10:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 New Chemist Position Promotion for S.I. Co. Semen
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-24 23:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-24 21:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dream (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You couldn't have just taken the poor thing to an animal hospital?
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And spend money on an animal?!?!?! You internetters are hilarious.
Great story Venom. I usually decapitate my dead animals with the shovel though. You know, just to insure that they won't be buried alive. Also this made me think of when the Flanders had to bury their rabbit, but Homer shoved so much garbage into the ground it shot back up like Pet Cemetary.
Good times.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for easter i abducted 20 children in the neighborhood and put them into giant, plastic easter eggs then hid them from their parents.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ho.
Lee.
Crap.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-03-24 15:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my morbid grandmother served rabbit for easter dinner once
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 14:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WEEEEEEEEEEEP
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your girlfriend sounds like a raging, rampant retard. Good luck with that, man.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to stop reading at the part where the bunny possibly broke it's neck. How sad.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember my cat dragged its latest decapitated prize bunny into the house and tossed it up into my nephew's pram whilst he was sleeping in it... What an unholy mess and I never knew my sister screeched like that!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Isn't is PETA? I mean I dont think theres a board for enleavened pocket bread."
Touché
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are forgiven. Now pay your tithe.
(paypal to bretd9.at.gmail.com will be appropriate)
Submitted by Dream (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You couldn't have just taken the poor thing to an animal hospital?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"My girlfriend who only moments before was petitioning for her humanitarian of the year award and seat on the board of PITA"
Isn't is PETA? I mean I dont think theres a board for enleavened pocket bread.