Free Women or Free Burritos? (1326 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2008-03-13 03:37:52 EDT
It was about three o'clock in the afternoon and I had just gotten home from my anthropology class at RCC. I parked my car in its usual spot on what could have been my sister's front yard. The complete lack of grass and mass quantities of dirt, weeds and dog shit had demoted it from the status of front lawn to my parking spot in recent years. I got out of my dirty, banged up Saturn and waited patiently as the garage door receded, revealing a floor covered in empty beer bottles and cigarette ashes. Apparently my sister had decided to have her piece of shit friends over again last night. Normally I wouldn't have cared, but I only had about fifteen minutes until this lovely young Russian lady I had just lost my virginity to a few weeks prior was to arrive. It's hard enough to court someone while living in your sister's garage in the middle of winter, let alone a messy one.
Her name was Tatyana, and outside of her unique heritage and recent battle with cancer, she really wasn't very interesting at all. She liked to hang out at coffee shops talking about bad Indie-rock bands and being a vegan. She was enrolled at Redlands University majoring in Photography; your typical Inland Empire scene girl. But, she was willing, if not eager, to have my inexperienced cock inside her vagina, which proved to be thoroughly enjoyable. The "struggles of being a vegan" made for boring conversations, but the body did not suffer.
She wanted me to meet her best friend, Jessica. I couldn't stand the name Jessica ever since I met one in high school who ruined the twist in "A Beautiful Mind" for me. Sure, the movie was shit, but if I didn't hold grudges against big mouthed, movie ruining cunts like Jessica, who would? Either way, I had never been terribly excited to meet new people, especially vegan scene girls...that I wasn't going to end up matching pink parts with.
Still, I dutifully swept up the remains of my sister's late night gathering, and tried to make my garage-apartment look somewhat presentable, as far as garage-apartments go. What didn't make it into the trash easily got swept out into the street for some other asshole to deal with. I had tedious ladies to entertain, after all.
When Tatyana and Jessica arrived, I was halfway through one of my sister's Newcastles. I figured I'd earned it, what with the beer bottle shenanigans and all. I put on Bob Dylan's Nashville Skyline and prepared myself for the onslaught of boredom that was to come. I just hoped I could keep them out of the house so I didn't have to explain myself to my favorite roommate, Jim.
Tatyana looked good, she was wearing a black pencil cut dress, the same one she wore on our first date, the night she unknowingly took my virginity. However, her friend wasn't exactly easy on the eyes. She had a bad case of muffin top, bad hair, too much make up, and I wasn't counting on her to make up for it with her personality. My heart sank a little when I suddenly realized that this would be the first time I would be around Tatyana without an element of nudity and fondling of naughty parts being involved.
"Hey Michael, this is...what the hell are you listening to?"
I thought it was kind of rude, cutting off her introduction to inquire about my wonderful music, but considering I didn't give a shit about the person being introduced, I obliged.
"It's Bob Dylan, you don't like it?"
"Doesn't sound like him..."
"Pretty sure it's him, baby."
"Hey, Bob Dylan's that one guy with the funny voice! Right?"
Somehow it didn't surprise me that the first thing to come out of Jessica's mouth was incredibly annoying. As per usual, things did not improve. After enduring about half an hour of nauseating talk filled with Sufjan Stevens praising and Bob Dylan bashing, Tatyana and her disappointing friend decided to call their friend Arron. Apparently, Arron was a lot of fun; he liked to do impressions of their friends and even played acoustic guitar sets at their favorite coffee shop's open mic. I thought Arron sounded like an asshole and wanted the whole thing to just end already, but for some reason I played along and gave them the ok to give him an invite.
Arron arrived ten or so minutes later, wearing pants three sizes too tight and a shirt that looked like he got it in the youth section. I didn't like the way he looked, I didn't like the way he was walking over to my garage, and I didn't like the way my day was going.
"Tatyana, why the hell did you have me come all the way out to Colton? What the fuck are we going to do at four?"
I didn't like the way he sounded, either. He sounded like he was still waiting for that second testicle to drop, men shouldn't sound like that.
"I don't know, stop being so pessimistic! We could, we could go to the zoo!"
The zoo...sounded like it would involve spending money and lots of walking, I instantly deemed it a horrible idea.
"If it's animals you want, my sister has a pit bull. As you can see from my parking space, there's no telling when you'll get to see her come outside to take a shit, and it's free."
Arron didn't seem too keen on my idea, and asked if he could use my bathroom. This was bad. My best friend and roommate (who resided in the house), Jim, was probably sitting in the living room drinking brandy and watching movies. I couldn't let him think I would willingly congregate with this douche bag.
"Uh...just go piss in the back yard."
"What?"
"The back yard, it's like the front yard, but in the back."
I pointed to the back, the man seemed like he could use some direction.
"Michael, stop fucking around and let him use a bathroom in the house."
While I didn't want Jim thinking poorly of me, I didn't want to upset my recently acquired vagina, so, I conceded. I didn't trust Arron to find the bathroom on his own, so I led the way inside. When I opened the door, Jim started to open his mouth to greet me, but immediately stopped when he saw Arron. I could feel his distaste for not only Arron, but for having his movie time interrupted by strangers he should never have to know. I showed Arron the bathroom, and went back to the living room to explain myself to Jim.
"Trust me, man, I am not consorting with that fucker of my own will."
"That's good, that means I can forgo having to lose all respect for you."
"I don't know, I figure this is worth it for more drunken bedtime fun with Tatyana..."
"Nothing is worth whatever is using my bathroom right now."
I decided Jim was right, this would have to be the last night I spent with Tatyana, I owed it to my own sanity and false sense of self worth. I grabbed a mostly empty two liter bottle of Coke from the wet bar on my way out of the house. I would need it for the Evan Williams, which would be useful in making me unappealing to Tatyana. I went back into the garage, and grabbed the bottle of Evan Williams from underneath my bed, doing my best to tune out Tatyana and her friend. I poured the entire bottle into the two liter, sloshed it around a bit, and took a pull. It was hot going down my throat, it felt good, and I knew in a few minutes I would be feeling even better.
I had forgotten about Arron until he came back outside. I took one look at his trendy haircut and canvas shoes, and took another pull from my two liter.
"So are we going to go to the zoo or what guys?"
"I don't have money for shit like that."
"C'mon man, I feel like seeing some nature."
"Well, there's a park nearby, you might see a skunk or a Mexican kid if you're lucky. At least they're not in cages...and it's free."
They all decided that a park sounded like a good idea, and I instantly regretted my uninspired suggestion. I was mostly just hoping that if I acted like a big enough asshole, someone would get angry and leave. Hopefully all of them. I decided to push things forward a bit, and finished the two liter on the way to the park.
Once they caught sight of the swings, they all started running towards them. They took the only three available "big people" swings, and jokingly offered me one of those strap-in ones I imagined they used for toddlers or the cowardly children. Before I could answer, my cell phone rang. It was my friend Gary.
"Gary! I'm so fucking glad you called; you wouldn't believe how bored out of my fucking mind I am right now!"
I was talking loud and cursing often, it seemed as though the two liter was kicking in.
"God, you should see the scene fucker I had to let into my house. I wish I could take a shit right now so I could take the handkerchief out of his back pocket and wipe my ass with it!"
Gary thought this was funny. However, Arron was not amused. He mentioned something about kicking my ass if I wasn't Tatyana's new boy-toy and left. I hung up the phone and went to work on the remaining two.
"Well, this was fun, who wants to take me to get Mexican food?"
Much to my surprise, they were still willing to be within ten feet of me, and fifteen minutes later we were at Tatyana's favorite Mexican restaurant. For a vegan, she did happen to have good taste in Mexican joints. I ordered a wet burrito, and made a point to ask for extra beef. I didn't feel like talking anymore, and decided if being a complete verbal asshole wasn't going to drive them away, perhaps entirely ignoring their existence would. For the next fifteen minutes, I silently ate my burrito, neglecting to respond to a single word spewed in my general direction. Eventually they gave up on trying to converse with me. I could tell from the look in their eyes that they were finally as tired of me as I was of them, and decided that if I wasn't going to get any sex tonight, I was going to get a free burrito.
Without speaking, I got up and left the restaurant. I was too far away from home to walk there, so I began walking to a nearby friend's house. I was pretty sure I heard Tatyana's friend protesting behind me, but I didn't waste time or energy investigating the matter. I had lost the only vagina I had ever known, but at least I was filled with delicious Mexican food and hard liquor, more of which was to come.
User Reviews
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-08-11 08:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2008-03-23 00:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nothing is worth whatever is using my bathroom right now."
Goodtimes!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-23 00:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-03-22 17:26:37 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
T would never +2 this sort of jibber jabber.
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aaaHA! An imposter! The REAL Mr. T would have said "jibbA jabbA", and punched me in the face, with gold, hard.
Easily the best -2 ever, I lol'd
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-19 03:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a +2 from bart. thats like a +2 from jesus, or mr. t.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
T would never +2 this sort of jibber jabber.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-19 03:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a +2 from bart. thats like a +2 from jesus, or mr. t.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2008-03-18 01:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone for both, but this was still entertaining.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-03-15 21:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-15 16:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-14 03:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on now, Shane isn't that bad. You know it won Oscars and shit? Really.
I like (in no partcular order) - Stagecoach, 3:10 to Yuma, The Searchers (probably best ever), The Shootist, Tru Grit and although not a western, still a great John Wayne film is The Quiet Man. Watch, enjoy. Westerns rock.
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You should also check out: The Quick & the Dead, Unforgiven, and Pale Rider. I think you'd like those.
And way to go Haiku. You learned a lesson that takes most virgins months, if not years to figure out. No vag is worth your self-respect.
The Force is strong with you my son.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-03-15 15:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would that piss you off? Something I don't get is why non-vegans get pissed off at vegans. It's not like veganism is mandatory and pretty soon you'll have to switch. Get over it.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-03-15 14:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vegans piss me off. people were not meant to eat rabbit food. wer were meant to eat the things that eat grass.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-15 13:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're top of the list on uber's "best this week."
awesome.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-03-14 07:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-14 03:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on now, Shane isn't that bad. You know it won Oscars and shit? Really.
I like (in no partcular order) - Stagecoach, 3:10 to Yuma, The Searchers (probably best ever), The Shootist, Tru Grit and although not a western, still a great John Wayne film is The Quiet Man. Watch, enjoy. Westerns rock.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-14 03:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the first time I've felt genuinely drunk all night, and everyone is asleep. Fuck. I wish there was more booze. I'm going to look for some, but I know it isn't there.
My morning poop is gonna suuuck.
P.S. Shane is the worst western I've ever seen.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-03-13 23:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone else seemed to like this. But it's tooooo long. I will read it later, I promise.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-03-13 22:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck scene kids.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 20:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, orphelia!
yeah haiku, the feeling guilty thing sucks. Beer will make that go away for you.
ps: you should be studying.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 19:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really only decided to write it because I wanted to write something that wasn't for school. I kind of got tired of writing about things I couldn't care less about, but it is nice that you enjoyed it. I feel the same way about reading right now, as well. When I pick up a Phillip K. Dick book or something, I feel guilty, like I should be spending my time studying.
Well, I'm going to drink my roommate's beer and watch American Graffiti now.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Em!
Yes funny, not laugh out loud funny but nice, lovely funny.:)
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well I thought it was funny. probably because I also live in california and the idea of free-range mexicans being somehow exotic is amusing
good for you on the bathing thing, haiku
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh no, I think some people miss the point to these type of posts. I don't think you were trying for 'funny' as such, it is just an enjoyable and amusing read. We weren't expected to laugh out loud, just be interested, right? Subtly lovely. Not everything can be catagorised (I can't be bothered to check the spelling of that word). I find a lot of folk on uber don't apprecaite subtle.
In other news, my other half (25) just threw the PS3 controller across the room. I fear for my life...
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to lie, I wasn't going to read this unless you asked me to. I'm glad you asked, though. This was very good. Also, I had no idea you had to endure some scene fucktard. I thought it was just you, tatyana, and the muffin tops.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree 'pollo, actually. If I was rating this, I'd probably give it a 0, or maybe a 1 for being legible. I might 2 it if I was feeling particularly bitter.
Exp - I responded to your message the other day, but the internet decided to be a failure, and I was waaay too lazy to retype it.
But I did take a shower today.
Baby steps.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-13 16:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this isnt funny
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay, here's a real 2.
"If it's animals you want, my sister has a pit bull. As you can see from my parking space, there's no telling when you'll get to see her come outside to take a shit, and it's free."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haven't read it.
this 2 is purely because you are you, and has nothing whatsoever to do with the merit of your work.
so who's got the vagina now? huh? huh, smart guy?
now to read.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only drink the finest Evan Williams Gold label. Next time just put it in her butt.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it a lot cause you say the plain truth.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hah
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like 6000 chicken fajitas...
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Free Burritos
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An enjoyable read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was entertained
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, that wasn't regina spektor rolling around on stage it was an equally talentless group called CSS what a fucking joke!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meanmrmichael.at.gmail.com if you're interested in music swapping, I enjoy sending people music they haven't heard, and I'm pretty sure you could turn me on to a few things.
It'll be like trading baseball cards, but louder.
Oh right, you didn't grow up in America, do they have football cards for the European children?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a bunch of Pavement albums, and they're not bad. Sadly, The Fall knock the stuffing out of them and got there first.
And I didn't know Malkmus had done any solo stuff until now, so cheers for that one! This 10 minute track is pretty heavy going though :(
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Regina Spektor gives Chuck Norris hemorrhoids. That fucking talentless whore somehow got on stage at a venue I was at. Besides her being ridiculously drunk at 11AM and doing stupid things it was a complete waste of time.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 08:56:35 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorns - I've never read any of your posts because I usually don't like song humor, but that was pretty fucking great. That might just be the me-love talking though.
========================
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You know, I *do* write real stories, too...actually the majority of my posts from the past three years AREN'T songs/parodies. I certainly won't pretend to be the greatest writer on here, but I'd like to think that some of my fiction ain't half bad.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is Malkmus new to you? Don't tell me Pavement is too?
Wow, well, I'll give you some direction if that is the case. Malkmus' only other good solo album is Face the Truth, it's less guitar heavy than this one, more synths. Which was very refreshing at the time, since his first solo album just sounded like another Pavement album.
I find it hard to believe you don't know of Pavement being as they're pioneers of Indie-rock, back when Indie meant Independent, as opposed to Homosexual, but my favorite albums are Slanted & Enchanted (mildly punkish, I guess) and Wowee Zowee (kind of like their White Album, only in the sense of being fairly random and experimental for them, but in the confines of their style of music), but Crooked Rain and Terror Twilight are probably better produced. I prefer the slight VU feel to the first two I mentioned, though.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Robots in Disguise.
Seriously, if you like trashy electro which is more intelligent than much of that genre, you won't be disappointed.
+2 for new music, not garage dwelling, though I think my porcelain lady friend is going to like it more than me. Hell, it beats the hell out of that Regina Spektor nonsense she inflicted on me last night.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Listen to it all the way through, and get back to me.
Also, what's the name of that Transformers band I keep seeing you rave about, I was thinking of having me a sample.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's the 'Real Emotional Trash' one right?
It's not bad so far, but not exactly stellar.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, yeah, I myself haven't bought an album outside of this one in a couple of years or so...but I figured after everything I stole from Pavement, and his solo career, might as well, ya know?
If I still lived where I had friends though...never would've happened.
You know that asshole Malkmus isn't even scheduled to play in Washington state? Maybe I shouldn't have given that bastard any of my money...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hurty - You already +2ed a story where I lived in a Garage, also, buy Malkmus' new album, it's fucking awesome
==========
PAY FOR MUSIC?!?!
Heh.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh, I wrote this because I was tired of writing things for school, and happened to think it was anywhere from boring to mediocre.
Orphelia - Totally true, I lack a creative bone in my entire body (thanks though)
Czw - You know, all good points, yet for some reason a number of my friends visited me regularly, and I managed to court and maintain my current girlfriend of a little over a year now while living in my wonderful, super awesome Garage
Hurty - You already +2ed a story where I lived in a Garage, also, buy Malkmus' new album, it's fucking awesome
Thorns - I've never read any of your posts because I usually don't like song humor, but that was pretty fucking great. That might just be the me-love talking though.
Fallen/Sico/Rob - Totally!
I'm going back to sleep, Business Law and Accounting can kiss my ass.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-13 05:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In soviet Russia, burritos eat you.
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damn you rob_berg, that was the comment I was going to make >_>
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good story.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW, that was my best impression of Bob Dylan below, if it wasn't obvious.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-13 09:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once upon a time, you lived in a garage
Getting Russian snatch, wanting trois le ménage
Didn't youuuuuuuuuu
Then her skanky friend and a flaming fag
Came along and made you want to punch your bag
Ain't it trueeeeeee
And after pulling antics in the park
You went to eat burritos after dark
Although the wet meat on them had some mold
The liquor in your system made you bold
You finally walked out on those douchebags into the collllllld
How does it feel?
Yeah, how does it feel?
To be without a girl?
A guy with sausage curl?
It makes me wanna hurlllllll
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-13 08:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he liked to do impressions of their friends and even played acoustic guitar sets at their favorite coffee shop's open mic.
after reading this I hoped the story would include blunt trauma to duchebag's head.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 07:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what you get for taking anthropology classes at the Russian Community Center.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 06:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who the fuck lives in a garage?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-13 05:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i cant beleive that anyone could seriously hang out with someone that lives in a garage.
that's almost like being homeless.
at least move into the basement fer crissakes
good read though
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-13 05:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the best trashy story I've read in 2 years.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-13 05:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In soviet Russia, burritos eat you.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-13 04:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I REALLY liked this. And I know it is true.