Ubertines 08: Lovesong for Auntsex (or "the Breakup Confession") (1190 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: ubertines08
Rating: 1.24 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2008-02-21 14:25:07 EST
Sometimes when we sex
I think of your aunt
I can't help it
She's just so fucking hot
Her name is Vanessa
But I call her Tits
Because of the tops she wears
Tight as one of those blood pressure
Things my doctor uses, with the
Velcro and the pressure bulb
Sometimes those get pretty damn tight
And it hurts
Just like it must hurt your aunt to wear
Those tight tops, especially on those
Bullet nipples of hers
They could put out an eye
This one time I was in line at the DMV
And instead of hearing them call my number
I heard a voice say "In hoc aunto sexes"
Or "in this aunt you will sex"
I felt like Constantine
Only with a boner
I would probably give my left eye to fuck your aunt
But I'm not really sure yet
Probably because she has bad taste in men
But that might be because
Her taste in men
Doesn't include me
She made us cookies when we were kids
And even then I knew I wanted to sex her
Sex her like I sex you on Thursdays
Why do we only sex on Thursdays?
The batch or batter or whatever
That big cookie dough dick thing
She'd lick it when you weren't watching
And shimmy her fingers up and down
But I was nine and didn't know about handjobs
So I just thought that was how you made cookies
I'd probably have been able to hit that
If I spent more time in the kitchen
With mom
Fuck
This one time I came on the desk I had in college
And fashioned out of my sex there was a portrait
Of your aunt
Vanessa lives five streets and twenty years over
But I'm not concerned
I've got moves and youth
I can take Vanessa-Tits TO THE MAXXX
Especially if she gets drunk on Miller Chill again
Like she did last week at the bowling alley
Why do we go bowling with your aunt?
I don't mind, I'm just curious
Our fingers brushed each other when I handed her
The ugly bowling shoes I received from the Hindu
Working the register
I immediately thought of handjobs
And wanted chocolate chip cookies in the worst way
She didn't see me
But I watched her put on her shoes
Oh how I watched the huddled, refugee toes
Mmm
I would probably give my non-bowling fingers to fuck your aunt
But I'm not really sure yet
That's a big commitment
This one time I was eating tilapia
And the scattered bones of the fish
Criss-crossed and resembled the letter V
And I instantly thought of vagina
The vagina of your aunt
You and I sexed on Valentine's Day
As per our Thursday tradition
But it's a week later and I can't play this game anymore
Your aunt is as hot as a bag of kittens set on fire
By that neighbor kid with Downs who doesn't know no better
Your aunt is the skin irritant hot sauce of my life
Burning me up like a fever
Or Nicholas Cage in The Wicker Man
I love her like a spring break girl loves pussy
Which is to say momentarily and intensely
I love her in ways that are illegal in some states
I want to love her in ways that are illegal in all fifty states
All day, not just Thursday
And not in this same old, face down, ass up way of ours
We do not sex well together, you and me
I want the tits and the brass ring
I want the Miller Chill drunk sex stylings
And the bizzare cookie dough insertions
The .50 cal nipples and the bowling-sock feet
I'm sorry she's your aunt
And I'm sorry I'm your boyfriend
But we're through, Patrick.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-25 12:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-23 12:18:20 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------
It wasn't?
Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.
---------------------
Well it wasn't great, but it was funny, Orgasmatron > other poets.
===========================
True, I'll give you that. But I guess I just expect better 'cause he's proven himself an expert poet on so many better posts.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-23 13:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------
It wasn't?
Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.
---------------------
Well it wasn't great, but it was funny, Orgasmatron > other poets.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hehe
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked it a lot
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll just settle for being a man-whore and letting women use me like a piece of meat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can provide you with an Orgasmatron if you would kindly offer up a broodmare of your choosing.
Raising one is almost as fun as being one. Or so I've been told.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*weeps*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One does not simply "become" an Orgasmatron. One is born an Orgasmatron.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... you show up and they just get all moist?
How does one become an Orgasmatron?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all except for the punchline, probably the best poem ive read of yours.
nah, not probably.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Darko- I'd teach you, but I have a Tori Amos bumper sticker on my car so I'm afraid you'd reject me :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what's a sex life?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get all the crit- this is a perfect example of the marriage between poemetry and LOLZ that makes you The Orgasmatron. I know it's a comp, and you know I miss your serious pieces like I miss having anything remotely resembling an active sex life, but I think it's pretty funny. Plus I forfeited, so +2 all day long.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
---
My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.
Why wouldn't I phone it in?
_________
Pride in your work?
I have overcome pride and vanity. Vanity prides itself on ME.
Artistic integrity?
There's more here than you give me credit for. I've incorporated a number of subtle Norse references, and the potential for a boyfriend/aunt heterosexual relationship fresh off the conclusion of an exclusively homosexual one will be epic in the community these people live in. How will society react? How will the families feel?
To pick up chicks?
I just have to show up here and everyone gets moist. Chicks know, man.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-21 20:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For a poem, it ain't bad.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-21 20:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
---
My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.
Why wouldn't I phone it in?
-------------
You would have no competitors if you would go back to actually trying. . .
==========================================
HAHAHA Bubba is two timing McCallum.
Does Jack know you have your tongue up another man's asshole?
Or do you lovebirds have an open relationship?
Speaking of ancient:
What's the difference between Bubba's wife and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
---
My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.
Why wouldn't I phone it in?
_________
Pride in your work?
Artistic integrity?
To pick up chicks?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------
It wasn't?
Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd probably have been able to hit that
If I spent more time in the kitchen
With mom
Fuck
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
---
My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.
Why wouldn't I phone it in?
-------------
You would have no competitors if you would go back to actually trying. . .
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been shit, but it wasn't. Congratulations.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I imagined you as Eminem reading this and that made it entertaining.
----
heh.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
BOING
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a hopeless romantic.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
---
My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.
Why wouldn't I phone it in?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
at least you get some on thursday
i get nothing no day anymore
i wish i were locksly
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I imagined you as Eminem reading this and that made it entertaining.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I got half way through and it was a 0. I finished it, because you wrote it, and it became a 1.
Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I only read the first three lines and the last three lines. It's probably better that way.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I approve
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's this about? Bowling?