Ubertines 08-Love Means Never Having To Say Never (975 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.76 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (View user info) at 2008-02-18 17:10:52 EST
X-rays and MRIs don't lie. At least that's what all three doctors said. She still wouldn't believe them, even with picture-positive proof.
It started with a twinge in her chest, slightly above the middle and a little to the right of center. Ten little minutes of pain, followed by three days of feeling fine, everything normal. Then, the fourth day came. Her screams of agony brought even the quiet neighbor to our doorstep, asking if we had called the hospital.
She refused to let me call anyone, so I went back to the rollin pin and tried to work. Several e-mails and two cups of bourbon later, I heard the doorknob rattle and hum. When the door opened, she held onto the doorframe, sobbing.
"Please call the ambulance. I think I'm dying."
What to do? First, Sweet Caroline brushed off a chest pain. When it returned dressed in its party clothes, she wanted no help. Now, she's dying. Which way to the exit?
Riding in the back of a meat wagon is a trip, at least it is when you are not the one on the stretcher. The tubes and bottles were intriguing, and I wanted to ask what each one was. All I asked the EMTs was, don't she have a healthy butt?
"Can't say, sir, that's up toGod and the doctors."
Huh?
He said that as though there were no difference. Maybe there isn't. I may wind up in hell for saying that, but at least I won't go there in an ambulance operated by smelly young men.
*
"Mr. Bubinski, your friend is resting now. Oh my, I sound like a cheap TV doctor show, don't I? Anyway, we need to run a battery of tests on her to determine the cause of her problem. The location of the pain is the upper portion of her right lung, above any place fluid could gather, so I'm real sure she doesn't have aqualung. "
"Aqualun...? Doc, are you pulling my leg?"
"Oh, no, Mr. Bubbarowsky, I only do that to boyfriends sitting on a parkbench."
*
Never say never, and never talk to a doctor named Ian
User Reviews
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-08-05 17:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-09 17:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not part of the deal.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-20 20:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2BUBBA
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-19 14:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-19 10:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm going to sue you for being alive.
I am going to use this in so many future posts!
Funniest thing I have read all day!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 13:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Says the man with at least a dozen alters.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-19 13:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You fucking idiot, simon...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi simon
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than CN's.
------
Oh that's right, Haudrey, because everyone that come around these ways with a new user name is sicosemen. Get a grip, Jay Peg.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-19 12:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-02-19 10:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
T don't like men who be having sex with small childrens
====
That should be "chilluns," you fucking wannabe T.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-19 12:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 06:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I gave you a +2 before. That was before you pitched a bitch fest and used your army of alters to try and win. By the way, signing "Bubba" is an attribution of authorship. It may not be a proper name, but it is an acknowledgment that you sent the email.
How does it feel to lose to your own writing?
===================
Hadley, you should have -2ed it from the start. I figured it was obvious it was a joke. Since when is two an army? :)
Even the e-mail was done tongue-in-cheek.
Shlongy didn't post in this contest, so there was no drama. Maybe I didn't get a whole lot of drama, but I saw reviews from people I've never seen before.
And you fuckers say I take this place too seriously?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You fucking idiot, simon...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi simon
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than CN's.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What? I'm bubba now too? Jesus fucking christ you people never cease to amaze me.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi simon
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than CN's.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-19 11:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
bad bubbles..
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-19 10:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm going to sue you for being alive.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-02-19 10:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
T don't like men who be having sex with small childrens
Submitted by Marina (user info) at 2008-02-19 10:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh my...so you're the fat, pathetic, jobless, pedophile who poses as his own niece?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-02-19 09:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't like it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-19 09:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-02-19 08:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the win.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-19 07:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it's not self harm, it's tough self love.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-19 07:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
From now on I will only trust Darko. There there, I made it all better, please don't self harm! :)
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-19 07:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:'(
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-19 07:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Especially not you, Darko.
I think I might post that email. Hmmm to the person who sent it, if you read this, explain yourself, you silly Yank.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-19 07:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not even me orphelia?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-19 06:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That email was real? Why post an email?
This is why I have trimmed down my Uber correspondence to 2 people.
After receiving the most odd email from a well know Uber user that was quite obviously a joke to post on Uber and yet not in the least funny and actually rather disturbing, I think this is a wise move.
Trust no one.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-19 06:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I gave you a +2 before. That was before you pitched a bitch fest and used your army of alters to try and win. By the way, signing "Bubba" is an attribution of authorship. It may not be a proper name, but it is an acknowledgment that you sent the email.
How does it feel to lose to your own writing?
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-02-19 02:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stealing bitch.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-02-19 02:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-19 01:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fine. I'll go out on a limb here.
It's not considered kosher in this kind of contest to -2 your opponent, but I have been left no choice.
1) No authorship was attributed to what you posted, so you are a plagiarist. The folks who are thinking "It was implied" can fuck right off.
2) YOU added the signature of "Bubba," so you are also guilty of forgery.
3) My lawyer will be in touch.
4) Have a nice life.
From: Bob Udell <ardhow2004.at.yahoo.com>
Date: Feb 16, 2008 11:55 AM
Subject: Ubertines08
To: cornnugget.at.gmail.com
Ms. Nugget,
Neither of our competitors posted, so you and will go against each other in round two. I'm sure you have noticed over the last several moths that I have played the fool, posting idiotic drivel and bantering back and forth with others. It was fun, and passed the time.
I will attempt to make a legitimate post this time, but I make no guarantees. I am spending the majority of my time, computer and otherwise, looking for work. I will do a serious post only if I get the opportunity.
That said, I think one writes better when using his/her own title. If you disagree, we will swap titles. As long as it relates to Valentines day, I'm open.
Also, if I wrote the finest piece in the history of literature, many would -2 it. That's life.
Thanks.
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-02-19 02:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-02-19 02:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-19 00:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Drop the candy and take two steps back from that little boy!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-19 00:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No one here (including you)rates for content, but only by name and clique.
-----------------------------
Agreed
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-18 22:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't openly encourage people to write or post as badly as this.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-18 21:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This didn't make an ounce of sense.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-18 21:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-18 21:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-18 20:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
is this a joke?
If so, it's not funny.
If not, stick to paedo porn.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-18 20:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
heard vaguely that you're a paedo.
is there any truth to this?
i hope so, molestist.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-18 19:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't terrible, but it was incredibly hard to make sense of, and there were a few typos.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-18 19:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it.
Didn't really like it - but as there was at least some effort involved I am happy to reward that with my relatively meaningless +2.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-18 18:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Purely because everyone else is a dipshit....that and I like pedophiles.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-18 18:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is no way near as good as your old 'below the bridge' story.
Submitted by sick.little.weasel (user info) at 2008-02-18 18:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not so good
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-18 18:05:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-18 17:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I THINK YOUR "NIECE" WROTE THIS ONE. YOU CAN'T FOOL SHLONGY.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2008-02-18 17:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
as the leading uber fiction critic i can honestly say this -2 is based off of me not reading even word one of this
i just don't like pedophiles and retards
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-18 17:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
rating you on the spamming of my account actions of your niece from detroit
keep your family in line, uncle bubba
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-18 17:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-18 17:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment