Ubertines 08 - Cupid Has Terrible Aim (835 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.41 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2008-02-14 11:06:41 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114915
Cupid is a right bastard. That stupid chubby cherub seriously fucked me over and I'd like nothing more than to get my hands on him, rip his heart out of his chest, put it on the tip of one of his damn arrows, and then shoot him with his own damn heart. I'd hope that it's still beating when it hits him too and that he could feel it as the beats slowly faded until they stopped. I think I'd take a shit on him for good measure, you know, to really drive home just how unsatisfied I am with his services.
I'm up shit creek now and it's all his fault. I met him at a club one night and though I didn't realize immediately that he was not human I knew there was something different about him. First of all, he made no effort at all to conceal the large bow he had strung across his back or the quiver of arrows at his side. He wore an Armani suit coat with nothing underneath, displaying proudly his smooth white chest. He wasn't wearing pants but the truly strange thing there is that he instead appeared to be wearing a diaper. The whole outfit was ridiculous, Armani suit coat, diaper, and Birkenstock sandals but on him it looked perfect and was easily accepted. That might have had something to do with the brightly shining mane of golden blonde hair that he vainly flipped and tossed whenever he turned his head.
So I met him at this club, he was sitting at the bar and I happened to sit next to him while waiting for my drink. As I ordered my drink one of his chubby little hands reached out and grabbed my elbow. I turned to see who this child like hand belonged to only to be faced with an intoxicated dwarf with wings. I started to turn away when it spoke to me in a drunk slur of jumbled words.
"Hey buddy can yoush spot a guy whoshe on shome hard luck a little lettucshe?"
I turned to face him and saw that his drink was empty and that the hand that had previously acquainted itself with my elbow was now held out in the universal "I'm a dirty beggar looking for some scratch" gesture.
I looked closer at his face and realized I could see grit and garbage stuck to his rosy cheeks. His eyes were glassy and sunk deep into his face and his saggy dirty cheeks only furthered the idea that his eyes might just fall all the way into his skull.
"Sorry, I don't have any cash."
"Itsh okay, jush put a drink on your tab for me will you? I'll make it worse your time."
As he slurred this last at me I almost threw up. His breath smelled strongly of booze, rotten tuna, and hard boiled eggs. The bar tender returned with my drink and I started to give him my card to pay for my drink when the little winged midget piped up again.
"Come on bish, jush buy me a fuckin drink bissh."
"look, just leave me alone will ya?" I said as the bartender came back with my card.
"Hey, you might just want to humor him and buy him a drink. If you don't he''ll likely continue to harass you.
I turned back to the creature to find him staring at me and felt a shudder of revulsion run through my body as I asked him "what are you drinking?"
"Atomic Wedgie"
"Fine, whatever, get him one. Now leave me the fuck alone."
"Don't you know who I am? Look at me, notice anything?"
"No, I don't know who you are and I don't want to. Now piss off."
I walked away from the bar to find somewhere else to be and nearly screamed when the little shithead from the bar staggered into the back of my legs.
"I'm cupid motherfucker! You bought me a drink and I want to repay you. I want to shay thanksh."
"Cupid? What's with the fucking suit coat and why are you so trashed? Just leave me alone, that's all the thanks I need."
"They made me put it on when I came in, shaid I couldn't come in in jusht my diaper."
Suddenly Cupid threw off the coat and floated up off the dance floor. His appearance radically changed from the drawn sickly creature I met at the bar to that of a clean and beautiful cherub. His golden hair seemed to shine in the dim light of the club and I could see tiny wings on his back. Cupid was suddenly sober as a judge and floating at my side.
"I will repay you. Select a female."
"Look, I'm sure you're all kinds of cool at parties and shit but I don't need your help, why don't you just bugger off and leave me alone."
"You bought me a drink, I WILL repay you!"
I scanned the bar and seeing the hottest chick in the bar pointed her out. "Fine, I want her."
Cupid slowly selected an arrow from his quiver, notched it on his bowstring and, taking aim, drew his bow. I watched the arrow fly through the bar toward the knockout I'd pointed out. Cupid's arrow missed and harmlessly disappeared against the back wall of the club.
"Fuck, hang on, I'll get her."
Again he selected an arrow, notched it and drew his bow. He let the arrow fly and screamed in frustration as this one landed short of the woman and bounced off the floor before disappearing.
I watched, amazed at the proceedings, as Cupid let arrow after arrow fly without once hitting the woman.
"Why don't you move closer?"
"Fuck you, I can do this."
I looked at Cupid's dwindling supply of arrows.
"You know what dude, it's really ok. I can pull that on my own."
Cupid brayed laughter at me. "The fuck you can, I like your enthusiasm and confidence but we both know you can't pull that."
"Fuck you Cupid, If nothing else I can come closer to pulling that than you can come to hitting her with one of your dumb arrows."
"Not cool bitch. Just for that I'll show you I can aim."
Cupid took another arrow out and asked my name. I told him my name reluctantly, curious about what he'd do next. Cupid notched it, and then shot it into the ugliest woman in the bar. The mangy woman came running to me, arms open. I side stepped her and stuck my foot out, laughing as she went sprawling. I saw her look up from the floor with a look of confusion on her face and was grateful she showed no signs of recognition when she glanced at me.
"Alright, fine, you can hit a minger. Now hit the hot girl I pointed out."
Cupid pulled out another arrow from his dwindling quiver, took aim, and missed again.
"Get away from me you stupid hack. I'm done with this game. I'll give it a go on my own."
Cupid blistered at this and again wrote my name on an arrow took aim and nailed the ugly chick. She looked up startled and then spotted me. Again she ran at me and again I sidestepped her to send her flying through the air. I reached out to grab cupid and he ducked out of the way pulling arrow after arrow and shooting them at every ugly woman he could see in the club.
"Knock it off fucker!"
I dove at him and narrowly missed. I saw his quiver had one arrow left and called out to him.
"Stop! Look, sorry. You're kind of pissing me off but let's take care of this. You have one arrow left, you said you wanted to repay me, let's go get that gorgeous fox. You can hit all the ugly women, I'm sure if you move a bit closer you can hit her."
Cupid calmed down then and agreed that he did indeed owe me a debt of gratitude. I remembered his volley of arrows just in time to duck out of the way of the stampeding herd of ugly women headed my way. Cupid snickered at me as one of the herd did manage to throw her arms around my neck. I shot a warning glance at him and pushed the ugly hose beast away from me.
"C'mon fucker, let's do this."
I started walking toward the beautiful woman and Cupid followed, hovering above the floor.
"Look, I'll go talk to her you just sneak up behind her and send that arrow home."
I lightly tapped the gorgeous blonde on the shoulder and introduced myself. As I talked to her Cupid slowly crept up behind her and drew his bow. He loosed the arrow missing her from a mere three feet away. She must have seen something in my face cause she turned to see what I was looking at and instantly forgot I was there.
"Aww, look at this little guy!" she cooed.
I watched, disgusted, as she picked the little asshole up and pulled him in to her chest. Cupid snuggled in pushing his face between two of the most perfect breasts I've ever seen. The blonde hugged him, giggling as he put his little hands out to cop a feel. I was too dumbfounded and angry to even do anything. I watched as the blonde took cupid and left and as they walked out the door he peaked over her shoulder and winked at me.
I had thought Cupid had terrible aim but I know now it was all part of his plan. Cupid always hits his target and is one motor boating son of a bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-15 22:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-15 22:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid enter button. I'm glad I ranked it first.
but yeah, I thought this was pretty funny, B. I laughed a bunch of times. I also heard cupid's dialogue in a "Jeff the Drunk" from the Stern show's voice.
Who knew we both knew cupid was an alcoholic?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-15 22:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's colored by the fact that I just finished reading a somber story, but I
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-15 01:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, everyone knows Hurty is a liar
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-15 01:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Kinda lame if I'm honest.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I refuse to read past the opening lines, for fear it gets less kick-ass.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Weak dialogue and all.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's all been said.
although I should give you a -2 for texting me at 7 in the morning yeah bastard.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
last time i had sex with a gorgeous woman was never, so i can't quite say this story was a fabrication of the truth that cupid really is a drunk bastard with poor aim and a salty attitude.
that being said, this had some quite brilliant moments, but when it really needed to be spot on, it missed terribly, which is unfortunate. the ending was a disaster.
but the brilliant moments were so good, i'll give this a 2 and a 1, which for whatever fucking reason doesn't give you a 3, but a 1.5, which in my experience with women i've dated and report cards i've been given, is right okay with me. hooray.
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-02-14 14:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haven't seen badlands around in a while. welcome fellow 9k user brother.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not looking likely. eko put up a solid offering and is beating me fairly.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hope you make it to next round.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've already admitted to rushing this story...so I don't think I need to explain my 1.5 rating. Otherwise, amusing, and I liked it.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Started off bad, got better and then had no ending. "Atomic Wedgie" gets you +1.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing, not terribly funny but a good story.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I *like* cutsie...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i do like the idea and certainly appreciate the criticisms. I knew it was gonna be off unfortunately cause I rushed it out this morning as I've had, and don't expect to later, no time.
thanks all for reading.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
And another bump.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bump.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Would have been better if it had a harder edge. At least you wrote a story, though. There are some real turds floating to the surface in this competition.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's all been said. I did laugh a few times during the dialogue but over all it didn't really help.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice idea, but like Cupid, you missed wide several times. A little too cutesie.
Magical realism combined with satire is tough to pull off. You got a little wood on it, though.
Weak dialogue.
It actually might have worked better had you taken a more serious tone with the story and then POW, the little bastard takes the girl. Kinda makes the punchline funnier if you hide the joke.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dialogue killed me, dude. Then again, I'm just not a big fan of dialogue, in general. So I'm going to +2 this for the idea, and ignore my distaste of dialogue. :)
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fantastic premise but just whimpered away...decent effort.