Ubertines 2008 - 'A Mouthful of Chalky Hearts' (1315 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: fiction ubertines
Rating: 1.71 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orphelia (View user info) at 2008-02-13 19:46:58 EST
A Mouthful of Chalky Hearts
The dark figure hung back in the shadows, silently watching the woman. It's hideous form was deathly still, the creature drew no breath for it was not alive. The air around it was rank and icy cold, yet where the beasts eyes had once looked on this earth, there now burned an intense fire.
The dark figure waited patiently.
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Loretta sighed as she opened the box.
She reached for her glass of red wine and took three large gulps, draining the glass.
Tonight was always going to be hard. He had been the love of her life.
Forlornly, she picked up the pile of photographs and began to look through them, remembering. A trip to Europe. Tourist shots of her husband, Vincent, and their beloved son, Eric. Tanned and smiling at the beach, vineyards, cafes. Typical family life. Happy times.
After he had left her, Loretta's heart ached with such pain at the loss, she felt grief so deep, she didn't know how to start healing. Her thoughts from the moment she woke were of him; the good and the bad times they had shared, the bond. The love.
The tears streamed down her face but she didn't care. Loretta reached for the bottle of wine and tipped the remaints into her glass.
The pain hadn't eased at all over the months. It felt as raw and real as it did the day he was needlessly snatched away from her. She'd gone through the expected emotions - disbelief, guilt, anger, and now all that was left was emptiness.
She drank the last of the wine, hoping to numb the turmoil inside.
At the bottom of the box Loretta noticed there nestled a gold chain, on which hung a heart shaped locket. Loretta murmured with surprise. How could she have forgotten, years ago, it was one of the first gifts he'd presented her with.
She put the chain around her neck and fastened the clasp, holding the locket close to her own beating heart.
How Loretta wished she could feel him, know he was there with her now, sharing these moments, reliving life.
The woman broke down, buried her face in the soft pillows and cried, cried as if she might never stop.
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The shadows began to stir. In the thick blackness, it knew it was soon time to cease lurking. The atmosphere was electric with the beasts anticipation. Pain and suffering tangible in the air, the creature fed from them greedily. It waited, soon it would be time.
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Loretta was stirred by a gentle shaking of her arm. She opened her eyes, groggy from the alcohol. She stretched out of her curled up position on the bed and let her husband tenderly kiss her cheek.
As she sat up, Vincent handed her the coffee he'd brought her and she asked him how long she had been sleeping.
"Just an hour or so, Darling" he replied, gathering the scattered contents of the box and carefully putting them away.
Between the two of them, their son's death had hit Loretta the hardest. Vincent had been her rock, a strength she could not comprehend when she herself was in pieces, but a strength she relied on completely.
Erics death had been sudden and quick. He'd been a healthy boy, a normal boy, a boy who loved life and who had everything to live for. His fever had come from nowhere and had been acute. Loretta phoned Vincent at the office where he worked. He had rushed home immediately to find Eric unconscious, his mother in blind panic. He'd drove them frantically to the Emergency Room, Loretta desperately trying to keep their ailing son alive.
Eric died as they reached the hospital entrance. For an hour, the Doctors had fought to restart the childs heart, but Eric had slipped away.
His death was due to heart failure, an unknown heart defect he had suffered from birth had weakened his heart. Whatever triggered the attack had been too much for his young body.
Loretta took the coffee from Vincent, grateful of it's hot bitterness against her dry lips. He watched as she swallowed mouthfuls of the scalding liquid, until the cup was empty.
Needing the bathroom, Loretta rose from the bed. Sudden dizziness, so extreme, overwhelmed her, causing her to collapse back on to the bed. Vincent watched as his wife tried to vomit several times, the dry, retching sound made his skin crawl.
Loretta's eyes widened in terror as she began to convulse violently, her limbs flaying, her torso writhing in agony. As she swallowed and choked on her tongue, Vincent stepped back from the bed. She managed one last grasp on life as she lifted her hand, beckoning him, pleading him for help.
In her final moments, she watched her husband of 12 years collect the empty cup and saucer and silently, calmly, walk out the room.
He didn't look back.
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From the corner of the room, the dark figure moved swiftly, stalking closer to its victim. As Loretta took her last gasping breath the creature swooped, stealthy and silent, and with a flicker, they were both gone.
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Downstairs, in the kitchen, Vincent washed the cup and saucer in soapy water. On the kitchen unit was a small pile of tablets, the same ones Vincent had used on Eric. The tiny, white, chalky pills resembled little love hearts. Vincent smiled to himself as he scooped them up and tossed them into the sink.
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Elsewhere, Death waited. Silently and patiently. It would soon be time again...
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-11-19 13:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-03-12 15:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
death swoops??
COOL
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-18 00:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries, you will win this round
Submitted by Nietzsche (user info) at 2008-02-16 23:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry bout the confusion, please forgive me.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-02-15 19:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Feely, I'm here.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-02-15 15:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 orphelia
<3
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay then.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me rate this, before i'm too late...Nice work,O!
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-15 13:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Emily's computer is teh broked.
Are we friends now?
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2008-02-15 12:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OF COURSE I'M FILTHY, I AM THE BARON AND I AM EEEVIL!
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2008-02-15 12:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Ere you go, slag.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-15 12:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've definitely had more dicks than me, whore.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-15 09:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See I am not always an E-Bitch! :)
(Just most of the time).
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-15 07:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha pointing that out loopy has made my day.
:)
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-15 07:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna overook "remaints" and go with a 1.5. It was really good, but just a tad too short. And not "tad" in a gay way.
For some reason when I sound out "overook" in my head I am reminded of Scooby Doo or maybe a Chinese man, fuck it it's Friday! +2
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-02-15 06:58:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff here, you bet.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-14 22:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good use of title.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i wore panties, i'd be a cross-dresser.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2008-02-14 19:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can use alters to +2 you too, so there!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-14 20:34:18 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
no forfeit
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Oh, well that is me bolloxed then :(
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-14 18:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The story was great. Your description of the couple was dead on.
Your description of the beast however (which was necessary for the story) somehow didn't fit.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-14 16:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no forfeit
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor student with no central heating, below.
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Too right! Freezing despite wearing two hoodies and a glove
...and nothing else
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-14 15:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Zebra was horrible tho and shouldve not been so nasty.
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! Bumped up from 0 because of that.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna overook "remaints" and go with a 1.5. It was really good, but just a tad too short. And not "tad" in a gay way.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-14 12:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't meaning to be harsh to the poster, only to the story.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the beginning a great deal. The end wasn't long enough and was kind of cheesy.
Happy V~Day!!!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2008-02-14 11:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Loretta always makes me think of the Life of Brian.
Stan/Loretta in this story was quite amusing. I got a bit muddled up because I was distracted by the phone, but on the whole - I reckon a good attempt.
It was a little obvious with the title etc, but then I also think that was a rubbish title to get in the first place.
Zebra was horrible tho and shouldve not been so nasty.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-14 10:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-14 09:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent, but some of the word choices leave room for improvement.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it quite well.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor student with no central heating, below.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-02-14 07:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shivered. But I am quite cold
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-14 05:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
'Loretta' is a good name, and immediately sets the scene for the melodrama, which is quite fitting in this case.
I also like wine.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 03:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and Happy Valentines Day Uber!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 03:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-14 04:46:34 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
First, I'm assuming this was an assigned title, because it's idiotic.
A title like this screams metaphor, and should arise organically from the story.
You obviously took the title literally and worked backwards, which is the easier choice I'll grant you. It's also one reason I think assigned titles inspire more cleverness than real ingenuity.
Better to assign genres and/or inclusive subjects and allow the writers to create from there. Let the story title itself.
Your first paragraph was stupid. Of course this dark figure is 'alive' because you literally (again with the literal) describe characteristics of life. I know the figure is "Death" but your description is vapid and self-serving. You attempted to create a mood through cliches void of real meaning.
You laid the tragedy on too thick. Don't beg the reader for tears, depict behavior and character which allows the reader to feel for himself.
She sighs, she drinks, she looks at old pictures, she cries, she remembers the frantic drive to the hospital and OH NO, WE'RE JUST BARELY TOO LATE, etc.
Too much. I half expected cheesy organ music and a detergent commercial.
Nothing was earned.
And why the fuck did the husband kill their son? Infanticide is far too interesting to remain a cheap twist at the end. I completely understand why he killed the wife. She's a simpering cunt.
"Elsewhere, Death waited. Silently and patiently. It would soon be time again..."
That last line is hilariously melodramatic, and a good representation of the story as a whole.
Barely worth reading.
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As it is my second attempt at fiction, I appreciate any input.
I really struggled with the titles, I did not work that way on the previous occaion I wrote fiction. I did take the title literally, which I see now was a mistake.
I understand that giving 'Death' human characteristics defeated the point and I also see that this part doesn't actually work very well anyway, I was just trying something a little different.
Perhaps it was cheesy, and somewhat laughable and could have done with being more subtle but I think you are wrong about needing to know why the husband killed the son. I have read many short pieces of fiction on here about rape, murder (including infanticide) and the reasons why, on these short pieces, have not been addressed at all.
The last line is overly melodramatic, agreed. All I can say is since it is my second piece of fiction, and 6th piece of original work at all, I have alot to learn and am grateful of any comments that may help me.
If Darko has forfeited, then I shall try to put into practice what I have learned from this post.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No worries, you will win this round
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 01:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This title really does you no favours, does it?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-14 00:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A WINNAR IS YOU!
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
First, I'm assuming this was an assigned title, because it's idiotic.
A title like this screams metaphor, and should arise organically from the story.
You obviously took the title literally and worked backwards, which is the easier choice I'll grant you. It's also one reason I think assigned titles inspire more cleverness than real ingenuity.
Better to assign genres and/or inclusive subjects and allow the writers to create from there. Let the story title itself.
Your first paragraph was stupid. Of course this dark figure is 'alive' because you literally (again with the literal) describe characteristics of life. I know the figure is "Death" but your description is vapid and self-serving. You attempted to create a mood through cliches void of real meaning.
You laid the tragedy on too thick. Don't beg the reader for tears, depict behavior and character which allows the reader to feel for himself.
She sighs, she drinks, she looks at old pictures, she cries, she remembers the frantic drive to the hospital and OH NO, WE'RE JUST BARELY TOO LATE, etc.
Too much. I half expected cheesy organ music and a detergent commercial.
Nothing was earned.
And why the fuck did the husband kill their son? Infanticide is far too interesting to remain a cheap twist at the end. I completely understand why he killed the wife. She's a simpering cunt.
"Elsewhere, Death waited. Silently and patiently. It would soon be time again..."
That last line is hilariously melodramatic, and a good representation of the story as a whole.
Barely worth reading.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually...i didn't read it.
i just like pregnant ladies to feel special.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG BEST EVER!
B@W
YOU ARE GOD
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually...i didn't read it.
i just like pregnant ladies to feel special.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG BEST EVER!
B@W
YOU ARE GOD
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-13 21:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful. If you cleaned it up a bit and fixed some of the grammar, this would be an amazing.
==============
Thank you, Strunk & White, you fucking retard. . . . . .
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im not supposed ta give out +2's
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful. If you cleaned it up a bit and fixed some of the grammar, this would be an amazing.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give you a mouthful of "chalk", if that's what you'd like to call it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually...i didn't read it.
i just like pregnant ladies to feel special.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 20:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG BEST EVER!
B@W
YOU ARE GOD
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 19:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you think I'm dark?
Well played lady, though could have used some proof-reading!