Ubertines 08, The Hand That Feeds: A Heartwarming Tale of Cannibal Love (701 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.63 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-02-13 10:45:24 EST
Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
To live
I met her in Somalia. She was part of a fascinating tribe of people, indigenous to the area. They were fascinated to see me tower above them. They approaced me apprehensively, as I was a potential new threat, but quickly warmed to me, especially the leader's daughter.
They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet
They knew some semblances of English, which made communication with them much easier. She had me stay in a hut to the south of the main village, where she visited me nightly.
Well, I don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
Round here
She had a fierce passion to her. The urge was more primal with her, and she treated me as an extension of her desires, as if I wasn't merely myself, but rather a part of something greater which she takes part of.
Short people are just the same
As you and I
(A fool such as I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It's a wonderful world)
In the morning, I cleaned and dressed the bite marks and scratches upon my back and neck. I perpare a bath, something which the people seem to find odd, that I'd bathe on my own. While they were used to cleaning themselves as a group in the river, I wished to retain my decency. They must be fascinated by my customs, which I would like to introduce to them, as I experience theirs.
Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
To love
Those damn savages hit my shoulder with a spear! The blood spilled into my hot bath, and ruined the water. I rocked the basin over, just missing another spear. Scrambling into the hut where I left what I had brought with me, I grabbed what I could, then made my escape into the jungles, back to the reaserch outpost and it's guarded walls. They followed me for some time, as they knew the area better than I, but thanks to the markings I left on the trees on my way in, I was able to outpace them eventually. By nightfall, I was back in my resting quarters, missing the hut just south of the village, and her company.
They got little baby legs
And they stand so low
You got to pick 'em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That got beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin' peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They're gonna get you every time
Well, I don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
Don't want no short people
'Round here
I like to think the time we spent together wasn't just part of a ritual, but I do feel sorry for the next man of lesser breeding to come across her. It is not easy for one to tear themselves away from such radiance, but it had to be done. Love comes and goes, but a shrunken head is forever.
Thanks Randy Newman.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-15 14:11:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-15 10:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I drive like a badass.
Coincidentally, last night I had a dream that I was riding a bike through my old neighborhood, and when I was stopped at an intersection, these 2 boys were trying to hurt me with these weird ninja tricks. But I was too fast for them and got away. DREAMPWND.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Women can't drive. Or fight. You had to run away, in your own dream!
They totally got DREAMPWND.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-15 10:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I drive like a badass.
Coincidentally, last night I had a dream that I was riding a bike through my old neighborhood, and when I was stopped at an intersection, these 2 boys were trying to hurt me with these weird ninja tricks. But I was too fast for them and got away. DREAMPWND.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-14 23:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-14 22:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 5 feet tall and a girl and I'll fucking fight you.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Girls can't fight. It's like driving, or sports. It's physically impossible for them. And I mean REAL sports.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2008-02-14 23:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Randy Newman
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-14 22:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 5 feet tall and a girl and I'll fucking fight you.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-14 03:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a midget
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-02-13 23:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-13 16:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i should be ashamed that i knew it was Randy Jewman from the first line of the lyrics...
but i'm not
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-13 15:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry man, but this is terrible.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steakopolis.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The song does what you aren't aware of. Just because you don't know what's going on, doesn't mean it's not there.
***
I'm either incredibly dense, or that sentence doesn't make sense...
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got it!
I know what I shall do next.
I'm not in favor of my decision, nor am I able to support it, but I will.
Meh.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. I wasn't surprised at how shitty this is.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The song does what you aren't aware of. Just because you don't know what's going on, doesn't mean it's not there.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-13 14:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The song threw everything way off. I like the idea, though.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-13 13:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
boo
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-13 13:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck, I'd better get writing!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-13 13:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The lyrics and picture detracted from the story too much, for my tastes. Otherwise not bad.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-13 13:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's about pigmys. They are short, thus the song. I'm against Hurty. :)
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-02-13 12:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not sure what the lyrics are there for and the story is too abrupt.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i need to know who you are competing against so i can rate you correctly.
???
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It would have been a 0 because of those annoying song lyrics that seemed to have just been put in to flesh out the story, but the picture bumped it up to a +1. Keep trying, bud.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 - I am deducting a half a point because it ended too quickly. Otherwise it was VERY well done.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-13 11:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-13 10:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment