One not-so-tiny true story (681 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.35 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brian Johns (View user info) at 2008-01-09 11:29:57 EST
I shaved my head once and it was not good. For a lot of guys, shaved head means badass. Think of all the actors and athletes who take a blade to their mellons. They are certified asskickers. I can't speak for all the other average looking guys out there, but whenever I see Bruce Willis or Vin Diesel all I can think is how much tougher I would look with a shaved head. Heck, even Telly Savalas kicked a good amout of ass.
So one day, I resolved to do it. First off, I would need a cover story. My girlfriend had always told me that she did not like shaved heads and that she did not want me to do it. In typical girl fashion, she did the one thing that she knew would work: relate it to sex. "I just don't find shaved heads attractive. It would make you look funny. I would probably start to laugh during sex". Well, that had worked for a few years, but now I was determined. I had just seen some movie with Ving Rhames and was ready run hot steel across my skull. Maybe grow a goatee while I'm at it and look so badass that people would cross to the other side of the street rather than walk by me.
My cover was simple. There was a cancer fundraiser at work. People collected donations to shave their heads. Aside from the fact that I did not put much effort into canvassing people for money, no one really seemed to care about my efforts, so I got little response anyway. I think I raised about $150.
When the big day arrived, I was ready and excited. They actually had some barber come in to do it. I sat in the chair and was a bit diappointed that there was no mirror for me to watch it in. Whatever, the final product would be worth it. I was wondering why the barber was just using an electric hair trimmer and not a blade, when suddenly he said "OK, you're done". Surprised, I got up to let the next person into the chair and went over to the mirror.
What the fuck? My head is not shaved! It's just a really short brush cut. This sucks, I looked like Joker from Full Metal Jacket, which is not badass. I want to look like Samual L. Jackson, but white.
There was no way I could go home like this and face the ridicule that my girlfriend would no doubt reap on me. Thinking fast, I went to a drug store and bought some shaving cream and a new razor. It was badass time.
Retreating to the office washroom, I put some sahving cream on my stubbly head and went to work. Work being the key word. This was NOT easy. The hair was still quick think and I kept gumming up the blades of the razor. Then I noticed a couple of red spots where I had knicked myself. And this was just the top-front part of my head. Now for the sides and back.
This is where it all fell apart. First off, water from the razor was running down my arms into my dress shirt that I had worn to work. Plus I was leaning on the sink and got water on the front of my light grey suit pants. You can guess what that made it looked like had happened. And not being able to see the back of my head made it impossible. I was cutting myself even more and having a hard time getting the back of my noggin to feel smooth.
Eventually I did as much as I could. It definitely looked better than the thin layer of fuzz that the barber left, but still not as good as I hoped. But now time to face the world.
I confidently strode out into the office, walking tall and read to be a badass. At first there was really no response, but then suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see one my my more attractive female co-workers looking at me. She almost had a scared look in her eye. "Jackpot", I thought. She was like this scared little animal about to get eated by the big bad wolf.
"Are you OK? What happened to your head?"
"Uh, what do you mean?"
"There's blood all over the back of your head. And little tufts of hair. Oh my god, there's these red splotchy parts too. You must had a reaction to something. Maybe that barber didn't clean his hair clippers. You should go complain to him"
"Umm... actually I went and shaved my head again with a razor after that. I must have just cut myself... a couple times..."
The scared and worried look turned into a smile. Then a laugh.
"Hey everyone come here. Check out what Brian did to his head. It is soooo funny! He looks like Mr. Clean"
Mr. Clean is so not badass.
I don't even want to tell you what happened when I got home that evening. I think my girldfriend was more upset about the blood I got on my pillowcase that night that the fact that I looked like an anything-but-badass moron. As for laughing during sex, I did not have to worry about that because I was cut off until it grew back in.
Born loser strikes again.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-10 01:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-09 15:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-09 14:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-09 14:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I looked like Joker from Full Metal Jacket"
You should have been so lucky.
Oh wait, nevermind, I was thinking of Animal Mother. Joker looks gay.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-01-09 13:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Method's Mom once shaved her pussy. It took two weeks.
____________
ZING!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-09 13:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, the last line worked.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-09 13:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-09 13:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-09 12:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
laughed
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-09 12:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFLCOPTER
By the by, there are special curved razors now that are made just for shaving heads to make the job easier and avoid nicking. Might want to check into that for next time, if there IS a next time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-01-09 12:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol @ QUINT
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Method's Mom once shaved her pussy. It took two weeks.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The picture that I'm sure you meant to attach didn't attach.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-09 11:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Clean IS badass.