Ten Tiny True Stories (1058 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.96 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (View user info) at 2008-01-07 08:14:27 EST
1. When I was three, I ran came home to my dad crying that some little boy had been putting sand down my shirt, hitting me, and laughing at me. My father told me that the next time the little boy put his hands on me I was to hit him back. The next day when the little boy did the same thing to me, I beat him into unconsciousness with the metal pail and shovel in my hand. He never bothered me again.
2. My first memory was of my great-grandmother's funeral. I was two and was wearing my favorite blue dress, white stockings, and black shoes. I was only allowed to wear this outfit on very special occasions. As I stared into my great-grandmother's grave, I couldn't understand why everyone was so sad because I felt so pretty.
3. In my speech class in high school, there was this very shy boy named Jon Hopkins that sat behind me. I pestered him every day to talk to me because I just felt like he was awesome person. I remember how he had the most gorgeous hands and how I was right about his inner-awesomeness. I think of him often, but haven't seen him in at least ten years. I wish we had stayed friends.
4. As the story goes, I was with my grandmother in the grocery store the first time I saw a black person. I was in the little seat in the front of the cart when I hollered 'LOOK GRAMMIE, THAT BABY IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE'. My grandmother was mortified.
5. I am the only person on my mother's side of the family that believes in birth control.
6. My right foot is half a size bigger than my left foot.
7. I was twelve when I learned about breast augmentation. I was laying on the neighborhood beach when the lady next to me lifted up her top to show her friends, and myself, the scar underneath her breast. I had no idea what to think.
8. I taught my next door neighbor friend how to ride my bike when we were both nine. Her parents were in an even worse financial situation than mine and couldn't afford to buy her one and didn't care enough to teach her. She's a lesbian now.
9. Adam was the first boy I kissed. He had braces, and we kissed in his backyard woods when he was fourteen and I was eleven. I remember how cold his braces were and how nervous I was. He ended up stalking me later in life.
10. I've woken up during every surgery I've ever had, and remember it, except the last one. After informing the anesthesiologist of my high tolerance to general anesthesia, he assured me that I would not awake during. He put me under so deeply that I almost didn't wake up afterwards. I barfed up blood all over his beautiful shoes and when he asked me how I felt, I informed him 'I feel like shit'.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-11 22:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should totally come back and post more often. All the cool kids are doing it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That whole surgery thing is scary. I remember during my one and only surgery, the doctors and and nurses yelling at me "BREATHE YOZZ!!!". "JESUS CHRIST YOZZ BREATHE!" Over and over again. I had forgotten about that until just now.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#1. You rock, and when you rock, you rock hard!
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, riding a bike made her a lesbian? Or not owning one made her a lesbian.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My first tongue kiss was when I was 11, with a boy named Darth. I was the first out of all my friends to do it so they all stood around and watched, which made me start laughing half way through it.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL my son once called a black man dad in the grocery store because the guy was wearing overalls like his dad. You should have seen the look, since this was my greeneyed blond haired son. Still makes me laugh.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Black people aren't made of chocolate. Black people are made of evil.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's married.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, drugs ARE awesome.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:14:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if I leave a +2 for this, someday soon you'll blow Hookhand.
=====================================
You heard the man
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if I leave a +2 for this, someday soon you'll blow me.
Submitted by Leonore (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My last surgery, for the hernia, I told the nurse as I was drifting off that she was fat. I felt it a point to stop counting backwards from 30, at about 21 that she was fat, and laughed myself into unconsciousness. When I woke up, the first thing out of my mouth was "get me some fucking pain killers."
===
The idea of someone laughing themselves into unconsciousness is now my Happy Thought of the Day.
Also, this is the best one of these I've read yet.
+2 I suck.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:16:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
'LOOK GRAMMIE, THAT BABY IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE'
AHAHAHHAhahahahahahaah
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you're awake in surgery are you in pain?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-07 11:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Booooo, no camwhore.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-01-07 10:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 CLUBFOOT!
har har.
...
You know I loves ya.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-07 10:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I couldn't understand why everyone was so sad because I felt so pretty. "
So this whole self involvement thing has been a lifelong deal for you then?
i keed, i keed.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're awesome.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Har har, I +2d myself. W00t, I <3 drugs.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No camwhore. I am sick and look like the undead.
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
#67
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good. i dont really know what else to say. no camwhore?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-07 09:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:19:52 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:16:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
'LOOK GRAMMIE, THAT BABY IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE'
AHAHAHHAhahahahahahaah
Miss you by the way x
=======
GAYEST REVIEW EVER!
-----
hehe yes it was
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember being in a burger king as a youngin, and my sister seeing her first sikh turbaned out to the high heavens screamed: look mom! A genie!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All these true stories make me feel like posting again.....
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still get in trouble every time I eat a chocolate baby.
Apparently cannabalism is frowned uopn these days, but I can't think why.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:16:19 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
'LOOK GRAMMIE, THAT BABY IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE'
AHAHAHHAhahahahahahaah
Miss you by the way x
=======
GAYEST REVIEW EVER!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My last surgery, for the hernia, I told the nurse as I was drifting off that she was fat. I felt it a point to stop counting backwards from 30, at about 21 that she was fat, and laughed myself into unconsciousness. When I woke up, the first thing out of my mouth was "get me some fucking pain killers."
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 4 is genius.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is lovely.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'LOOK GRAMMIE, THAT BABY IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE'
AHAHAHHAhahahahahahaah
Miss you by the way x