I am a Gigolo Personage with an Unidiomatic Whipping Hole. (1197 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2008-01-03 13:55:45 EST
I stumbled across an interesting feature on the Internet Movie Database (IMDB) which is where I get most of my info when I'm doing movie reviews...length and rating and writers and information like that.
Did you know that you can search for movies with content keywords? If you look up any movie, you'll see that there are a bunch of tag-words associated with it. Words like 'character name in title, hit by car, karate, flashback sequence', and so on. Things you can generally expect to see in the movie in question.
If you click on any of these tag phrases, a list of movies come up that include the tag that you selected. You can further narrow down that list of movies by clicking on more tags. This lets you select a movie by content. So for example, if I wanted to get a list of movies that featured mobsters, someone getting stabbed in the head, large breasts, and an exploding house, I would click on the appropriate tags and there you go. If such a movie exists and is appropriately tagged, it pops up for me.
So, as a matter of social experimentation, I clicked on a few of the more ridiculous tags to see what would come up. The tags I selected were:
Female nudity
Kicked in the crotch
Kicked in the face
Male underwear
I got a movie called "Silver," made in 1999. It's some kind of crazy Japanese movie. I delved a little further. The plot synopsis was empty, which left me no idea of what this movie was about, except that it maybe had a naked chick kicking a dude in his crotch and face whilst in his underwear (although a user did leave a helpful comment: "Tarantino's nuts in a handbag").
So I scrolled down to check out viewer reviews. Reviewer Nigel Q gave his opinion on the movie. Here's an excerpt or two:
As far as the personages the situation is aggravated from the fact that the actors are rather anonymous in their performances, beginning from the protagonist whom it interprets Jun, that is Petronia the Atsuko Sakuraba, lucky person owner of two breasts that could make competition to those of Anna Ohura. But, as very you will know, in the greater part of films it is not not only recited with the torte (or palomino), and in as far as espressività the Sakuraba it is not just the maximum.
And one is bored to us, decidedly. Not to mention the most open end that cannot not inversive or of personages who appear and scorpion (the overflow is a personage who is not understood who is and that he appears in a single scene but that seems a cortisone beautiful powerful. The only indication is the fact that this encumber comes from the unidiomatic Whipping Hole, probably one lair of gigolo).
As you can tell, it's bloody gibberish. What the hell is an unidiomatic whipping hole??
Anyhoo, the review is obviously by an Asian person that has been horribly translated into something that you could only loosely describe as English, and is completely indecipherable. I did however, get the impression that the person was kind of underwhelmed by the film, but they rated it an A+. That might be because this person doesn't know what the letter A represents in English, who knows. And what kind of Asian names himself Nigel Q, anyway?
If you want to read the entire review, copy and paste this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0300482/usercomments
It's actually kind of fun if you read it out loud.
A second person offers a much more readable review. Please read:
An artistically accomplished, taboo-breaking, and utterly engrossing banquet of violence, with a complex plot that draws the viewer down a path to ever-darker territory. Woman-breasted Jun (Shinobu Kandori) is a pro wrestler who takes her job very seriously, lovingly tackling her opponent to assuage the drudgery of the masses. Her family was murdered by the evil underworld gang, Paradise, and now she only lives for revenge. She conspires with Yusuke Minamida, her senior at the government's secret organization, and sneaks into a women's professional wrestling group. Having her face as a star wrestler, Silver Jun, she goes into a fierce battle with Paradise and is drawn into a police case involving the apparent murder of her family, who appear to have killed with a chainsaw. The eye Jun extracts from one of the corpses, however, tells a different story, and is glazed over with gelatine. Jun is warned by a Buddhist cult leader to cease her "unholy" practice of masked wrestling, Yoshiki's head is stolen from the dumpster, and his mourning, egocentric girlfriend exhibits some very strange behavior. So begins a dizzying descent into an underworld of organ trafficking, yakuza turf wars, multiple personality disorder, and illegal octopus lobotomies, combining truly grisly effects with the Biblical intricacies of an old El Santo picture, and a metaphysical commentary on the transience of traditional values.
Did everyone catch that part about illegal octopus lobotomies? Well, though I'm still confused, I at least have an idea of what the movie is about now: masked woman-breasted female wrestling, gang wars, and grisly death. And obviously, it's worth watching. Hell, after scrolling down the provided list of the rest of the tags that apply to this movie, I decided it was must see right there. In addition to female nudity, kicked in the crotch, hit in the crotch, and kicked in the face, this movie also includes:
Sadomasochism clothing
Vaginas
Wrestling
Lesbian interest
Leg spreading
Urine drinking
Male nudity
Explosions
Menace
Karate kicks
Masturbation
Fire
Death
Jumping
Whipping [probably the aforementioned whipping hole]
Blonde Asians
Eye gouging
Nipples
Penis
Large penis
Naked man
Painful sex
Deviant sex
Rough sex
Unusual sex acts [every kind of sex, apparently]
Snipers
Strap on dildos
The Secret Service
Chainsaws
Evil
A duel
And of course, Sensuality. [it sounds very sensual indeed.]
That is only maybe a quarter of all the tags this movie has. Basically, it has just about everything you could possibly put into a movie. Though I'm not going to make the effort, I admit that I am intrigued. Just for the illegal octopus lobotomies and crotch-kicking alone.
Happy New Year, everyone.
User Reviews
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-05-13 09:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Told you I was +2ing it. Lol. Illegal octopus lobotomies. Priceless
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-01-04 22:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JUSTIN SAYS HI
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-04 21:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha, I'm glad people are experimenting with the tags. I noticed Ichi The Killer has a lot of the same tags that Silver does.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-04 10:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the tags for Super Troopers is "drinking syrup" it is the only movie in the whole IMDB with that tag.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-04 06:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-01-04 06:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"lucky person owner of two breasts"
may be the best phrase ever devised...
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-01-04 02:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of my favorite movie ever, in some strange way.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bubba b'low
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those who fucked up your perfect 2 are. . . should be. . . fuck 'em.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-03 17:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-01-03 21:06:16 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
That looks like the greatest movie of all time. Can someone get their retarded cousin who teaches english in Japan to rent the DVD and upload it to the Internet?
-------------------
http://www.allmovietorrents.nl/download/Silver%20-%20shirubaa.torrent
just one of many to get your filthy mitts on it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I searched on "Shlongy".
Two of the eight results included "Towed in a Hole" and "Corpse Bride."
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha ha, awesome!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Downloading as we speak.
Remember to seed, please. If this gets stuck on 89% I'll be gutted and get drunk on vodka.
If it completes, I'll watch it and get drunk on vodka.
Everyone's a winner.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That looks like the greatest movie of all time. Can someone get their retarded cousin who teaches english in Japan to rent the DVD and upload it to the Internet?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Though I'm not going to make the effort, I admit that I am intrigued.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
little known fact: I am on IMDB and do actually belong there but they have me confused with another actor of the same name. Ok, sure, it could be the other way around but I do think the least they could do is seperate us so he doesn't have my credit credited to him and his credits credited to me. I have tried to contact IMDB about this several times but they seem not to care about this inaccuracy.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, you have too much time on your hands.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm...third hit is "Babe: Pig in the City."
Freaks.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what a search for "sniffing out" would result in.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I need to own this film. Hmmm, then again I am not too big on "Urine Drinking" (splech).
But otherwise sounds fairly bonzer.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Asian Cinema rocks.
Check out Robotrix some time, or The Eternal Evil of Asia.*
*As I said about it on another post a year ago, "And then of course there is The Eternal Evil of Asia, in which the lovely Ellen Chan fellates empty air and a guy's head turns into a penis that actually spurts piss."
http://www.kfccinema.com/reviews/horror/eternalevil/eternalevil.html
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'boning bones'
heh
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"fermenting femurs"
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a winner to me.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"animnal anime"
"boy-breasted men"
"clavicle cracking"
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
add some random tags... like "Benji revisited" or "Rooster cock"
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd watch that.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've really have nothing to add here other than, WOOT! You are the unholy master of IMDB!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-01-03 13:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we all have a little too much time on our hands.