Where was I raised? (809 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.39 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tactile Ire (View user info) at 2007-12-17 03:03:22 EST
In response to:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113705
This part of my country has had more and bloodier wars fought over it than you'll see in a Chuck Norris Film Festival. The Maori kicked things off with a big old cook-out where they invited the native Mori Ori people to be the main course. After belching thier way through the entire race, they spent a few hundred years kicking each others arses up and down the hills and over the beaches in an extremely bloody but not entirely ungood-natured way. They did this to each other so much that they all had to live in fortified villages (called Pa's) on top of the hills.
Then the white man came. The white man was so bad at the live-on-a-mountain-or-become-lunch game that he only built a small redoubt! On the shortest fucking hill around! And nearly everyone lived OUTSIDE it! rofl. Stupid white man.
The massacre that followed was the colonial equivalent to bombing Pearl Harbour. The British Empire came down all Ezekial on the area, and then on the whole country.
When the gun-smoke cleared less than five thousand Maori were left still sucking wind in this world.
The merry japes continue, to a lesser extent, to this day, with the area being populated largely by the kind of asshole who thinks God gave him Sundays to drink beer and kill things. Like Mormons.
You don't get raised here, so much as the sheep-headed God of Random Ring Quivering misses you with its bolts of social mayhem and good natured ultra-violence until you've had enough.
One day, after spending all day not quite getting beaten down by the local surfer gangs, and then a night avoiding getting bottled by the local biker gangs you go "fuck this, yes it's pretty, but I'm going go and to live in the real world." And you move to some halcyon paradise of milk and money where the firehoses in bars aren't there to wash out the passed-out patrons and whatever eyeballs and teeth they've carelessly dropped.
However "Th' Mount" is like 'The Mafia', no matter how far you go, or for how long, it will, eventually, pull you back in.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Change the setting on your sarcasm detector, danger, you appear to be walking around in "impervious to sarcasm" mode.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-08-22 06:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes that's completely unusual fey, I can't walk ten feet down the road without running into one of your welfare gleaning compatriots, but heck it's something isn't it you lot not actually living at home. woah - opposite day.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-22 05:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the Kiwi contingent consisted of me and toe. Interestingly, of the three of us, only toe lives in NZ. Hmm...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-22 01:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey!
Good to see you wandering the halls.
Hope all is well.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-18 14:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we're not bloody south africans danger_ranger.
bone up on your retention skills, stupid aussie.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-18 11:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read about the Maori wars on Wikipedia not long ago. The Pa's were awesome, and they partially influenced the concept of guerilla warfare in the "modern" world.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-18 05:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sigh
don't get that on the pit bro it'll all smoke up and our fish will taste like chicken but more fishy wait we love chicken.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-12-18 03:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-17 19:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were raised in new zealand your sister had you. probably as she squatted by a hangi. Her waters would've broke and your dad would've been like, "DON'T GIT THET ON THI PET BREW!! UT'LL EWL SMEK EP END EWR FUSH WELL TEST LECK CHUCKUN BIT MERE FUSHY!! wait we LEVE chuckun."
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Ok I worked most of this out, except PET BREW.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-17 15:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
out of all places you mention Tauranga?
*snorts*
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-17 12:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Morro Bay!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-17 07:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-17 07:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could've remained a review.
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and you could've remained some jizz snaking down your mother's thigh, and your ten fucking chins could've stayed in your family album, in back of the trailer, but what's done is done.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-17 07:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could've remained a review.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 06:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is true, but it is the pinkness of the saveloy I find so utterly offensive.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-17 06:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nowt wrong with saying Eskimo ladies and gents.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-17 06:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty and Orphelia make a nice couple.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-17 06:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yo c1ndy.
Oh Em, I can't deny I love a good ethnic sausage!
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That's a lie by the way. Ophelia hates savaloys. She finds the brine Bratwurst comes in offensive.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yo c1ndy.
Oh Em, I can't deny I love a good ethnic sausage!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was watching a progamme last night about a midget. Apparently midgets prefer to be called 'little people'. No pleasing some folk.
And I prefer eastern European to dumb pole.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HoWdI
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hello
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok you sausage munching, stale bread eating, 1980 clothes wearing WOMEN
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Inuit, then.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eskimo is not politically correct you dumb pole.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You are an eskimo.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently I was raised in a barn.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wuz gonna say somethin about Maori sounding like laouri and like bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do Will Smith; Family man and the whitiest black guy in all of California, also the governator also the chocking smog of industry and finish off with some comment about how LA is better than New Zealand because of giganticism.
Not that Will Smith has a big head, he just has big ol' shoes is all. What Maori could possibly fit into Will Smith's shoes*?
*- Now that Jonah Lumley or whatever's heart exploded I mean.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-12-17 03:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were raised in new zealand your sister had you. probably as she squatted by a hangi. Her waters would've broke and your dad would've been like, "DON'T GIT THET ON THI PET BREW!! UT'LL EWL SMEK EP END EWR FUSH WELL TEST LECK CHUCKUN BIT MERE FUSHY!! wait we LEVE chuckun."
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-12-17 03:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
somewhere in New Zealand, and i am woefully ignorant of where exactly "somewhere" may be.