"The Haiku Mikoo Experience, Pt. 5 - Revenge of the Mikoo" by Quinntheeskimo and Haiku Mikoo (566 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2007-12-17 02:44:48 EST
A couple of years ago, Quinntheskimo and I were bored at his Mother's house. We didn't feel like watching the original Star Wars or the Dollars (Clint Eastwood) trilogies again, so, I threw out some crazy ideas whilst Quinn molded them into beautiful pieces of literature. Over time, I proofed, edited, and added enough to the stories to post them on my account, with Quinn's rather sexy approval. Approval can be sexy too.
Part One: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113407
Part Two: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113691
Part Three: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113712
Part Four: http://www.ubersite.com/m/113737
And now, the sole reason why I wanted to post these, Part 5:
We marched up to the ancient building, Jim's golden dreadlocks shining brightly. George's Glam Sword was glistening with the gleam of a thousand Marc Bolans. My bag of sandwiches hung at my side, a little rattier than it had been when I started this quest (mostly because of Sean's amateur patching jobs).
We stood at the door of our enemies, the main church of the legions of Suck. The door was made up of dark, twisted woods. The mere sight of it sent chills running down my spine. We just stood there for a few seconds when Sean broke the silence by hammering on it with his bony fist. "Hey you cock sucking bastards! We're here, open up!"
The doors opened inward, and that was when all hell broke loose.
A thousand giggly teenage girls rushed forth, instantly filling our nostrils with the vile smell of their overpriced perfume. They were all clad in the "snow" boots, Ugz, even though it was at least 85 degrees. They had blinding highlights in their hair, not because of the tint or color, but because of the sheer unsightliness. Behind them marched fat Goth kids, writing bad poetry and yelling incoherently about how cool vampires were. We quickly set to work, wasting them as easily as we did the Elves in the woods. With our confidence riding high off of the blood of our enemies, we stormed into the church, and saw that it held terrors far beyond what we would be able to withstand without Mikoo. There was a human sea of flat bills; oiled up Jocks filled the pews, and all the contestants from American Idol seemed to be leading them. Hanging on a large cross behind them was a twenty-foot wooden depiction of Jesus. Our enemies marched towards the entrance, pushing us out into the open. This church would be our end, and with us, all things Awesome would die.
But did we give up? Did we lay down our arms and surrender? Fuck no! Sean pulled a knife from his pocket and fought with one hand, drinking and chain smoking with the other. George's Glam Sword cleaved his enemies in twain, while his scarf flew proudly in the wind. Jim raised his thin, long hands and pummeled his enemies while burning them with scathing sarcasm. The American Karaoke captains tried to weaken our morale with their incessant singing, but I hurled my newly acquired Razor Sandwiches deep into their evil, talent-less hearts.
And when that wave of foes was defeated, we four stood bravely and strode without hesitation into the ice-covered house of the Lord, when suddenly, an army of security guards and McDonalds workers, both covered in grease and being dicks about tedious, unimportant things filed into the church.
Sean rushed in, brandishing his now bloody knife, followed closely by the rest of us. We were surrounded, and quickly losing ground. We knew sheer numbers would overpower us in just a few moments. George's arm was cleaved off by a McDonalds worker's spatula. In return, George beat the person to death with his own severed limb and tied the wound closed with his scarf. One of my sandwiches missed its mark, flying straight into the head of the wooden Jesus. I watched in fear, as what I thought was a harmless statue began to actually come to life.
Our enemies wasted no time to stare at their evil Lord and taking advantage of our surprise, caught us off guard. Sean's jacket was torn from his body, leaving him unprotected. A security guard punched him in the kidneys, and Sean fell to his knees. Jim's golden dreadlocks were smashed and dented by a leftover fat Goth kid wielding an uprooted pew. My sandwich bag was torn from my body, and flung outside.
The doors slammed shut. Everything became quiet as Jesus stared at the carnage.
"Who are these four?" he bellowed.
"Demons of the Dark Lord!" The army shouted.
"No!" shouted George! "We are but men! Harbingers of Awesome! Soldiers of rock! We have come to end your dark reign!"
Jesus laughed. "Your savior is not with you! The one called Mikoo is gone, left in the woods, you will fail!"
"Then we go down fighting!" Screamed Sean as stabbed an unaware security guard.
"Whoa, Sean, not cool!" I said. "We're still talking."
"Oh." Sean put his knife in his pocket.
"But, I mean, since you did stab that guy..." I punched another security guard in the face, and the battle erupted once again. However, now that Jesus was here, we were disarmed quickly. Backed up against the door, arms linked, we stood ready to meet our fate as our enemies slowly approached, savoring each moment of our suffering.
I pressed my back against the door, and without warning, it was opened, and I stumbled backwards into the light of day. There, standing proudly, hands on his hips, was Haiku Mikoo, savior of all things Awesome.
His rope belt was swaying in the breeze, his cut off corduroy pants hung above his skull and cross bone shoes. His scraggly beard itched him slightly, but he did not scratch! Why? Because he was Haiku Mother Fuckin' Mikoo, and he was there to rock.
He sent a beam of pure Awesome out from his open palm, which sent dozens of security guards and fast food workers flying. Jesus leaped out to the front of his army, and stood just as proudly as Mikoo had.
"Kill those four! Leave this one to me!" Jesus removed his robe, revealing hundreds of wicked looking scars. Jesus stood menacingly donning nothing but a loincloth, and then he and Mikoo joined each other in epic battle.
Beams of Suck and Awesome were flying left and right with reckless abandon. Mikoo's green beams of rock and roll smashed and crashed all around his unholy foe, never coming more than a few feet of harming him, while Jesus' red beams outdated ideology flew inches past Mikoo's hair, leaving the ends of it split and singed.
Jesus' minions were fighting half heartedly upon seeing someone as Awesome as Mikoo, and the four of us laid them down like wheat before a scythe. However, their numbers still remained fairly strong.
Finally, Jesus fired a beam so big that Mikoo could not avoid it. Mikoo was struck down, and he fell on the cold, stone stairs in front of the church.
Jim saw Mikoo fall, and he watched as Jesus walked calmly up to him, to finish the job. Jesus' minions fought with reckless abandon, seeing now that they would surely win.
Jesus stood over Mikoo. "The forces of Awesome will never win over the forces of Suck, because rock is dead. Soon Mainstream rap will reign supreme over the earth, then, Christian rap will render all music obsolete, and when that happens..." Jesus laughed quietly, "I will reveal myself, and the world will end!"
Jesus raised his palms to fire a final beam at Mikoo, but then, out of nowhere, Jim jumped in the way.
"No!" Jim screamed, as he absorbed the full impact of the beam.
Jesus looked with slight surprise at Jim, who lay there panting, bleeding, and close to death. Jesus shrugged and turned back to Mikoo, and again, Jim was there, attacking Jesus with ferocity.
Jesus staggered backwards. "Unhand me!" He screamed.
"Die!" Jim shouted, and then his golden dreadlocks shone with the fire of a thousand suns, as he fired golden beams of justice from his hands. Jesus was caught off guard, so much, that one of the beams managed to clip his right shoulder, and he was thrown backwards. Jim ran after him, as Mikoo tried to recuperate on the stairs.
Jesus fired a seemingly endless barrage of Suck beams at Jim, and used his powers of flight to confuse and intimidate the golden haired warrior. Jim shot his golden tinged beams with surprisingly deadly accuracy, often times only missing Jesus by a matter of inches.
Ten minutes into the epic battle, Jesus fired a single beam, missing Jim by a mile. At first, we all looked confused, and too late Jim realized the beam's true target. Mikoo still lay defenseless on the stairs, and once again, Jim did not hesitate to defend his friend. The beam was too powerful for the weakened warrior, and Jim was killed instantly...his smoking corpse hurled harmlessly to the ground.
I saw Jesus stride over to the body of Mikoo, and I ran to his aid. As I did, I heard these words:
"Mikoo, join me! We would be unstoppable together, we could rule the world unchallenged for all eternity!"
Mikoo lay on the ground with a demoralizing look of desperation on his face, and opened his mouth to speak.
"Jesus, I...Yes. I will..."
Jesus pulled back his head and bellowed forth evil, victorious laughter. I felt my knees grow weak beneath me, and as I fell to the ground, fully prepared to weep...I saw my sandwich bag. I reached inside, and pulled out what I knew was the last sandwich, a roast beef. It seemed the bag had only enough magic left for this one, lone sandwich. I had to make it count. I threw the sandwich as hard as I could, and it flew down Mikoo's open throat.
On one knee, and with uncannily renewed vigor, Mikoo shouted at his one time foe, "Yes, Jesus, I will join you, and to show my loyalty, allow me to partake in my first Holy Sacrament...your body and blood!" And in a single, swift motion, more singular and swift than any of the other motions in this story, Mikoo pounced on Jesus like a supernatural slinky sent from on high, his mouth opening so wide, that the unholy Lord himself was sucked into Mikoo's gaping maw, and lost forever to the world of men.
With the aid of Mikoo we made quick work of our remaining enemies, and it wasn't until we stood, victorious, that Mikoo remembered Jim...
He ran quickly to his fallen comrade, and held Jim's head in his arms. "Jim..." He said. He couldn't speak. A single tear dropped from his eyes and mixed in with the dirt. We watched in amazement as the spot where the tear feel began to tremble and quake. A large hole began to open; I started to run to Mikoo's aid when he motioned with his hand for me to stop.
"No, Quinn, I have completed my life's only purpose. Many have been slain, and a truly noble warrior has fallen to our cause. Do not mourn for me, we both knew from the beginning our journey could only end with my destruction, be glad that it ended in our favor."
With that, Mikoo stepped into the gaping hole, deep into the heart of the Earth from whence he came. Despite his words, I couldn't help but run after him, I futilely swiped at the now empty air, and tried to dig at the dirt closing fast beneath me, but it was useless.
He was gone.
-------------------
We all went our separate ways after Jim's burial. George went on, spreading on the word of Glam rock whilst people quickly forgot he had been in their presence at all. Sean went on to become a deranged lunatic, or in his words, a "dinosaur hunter." I opened a sandwich joint called The Magic Bag, naming my most popular sandwich after my lost savior, and good friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-08 15:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-08 15:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Random negative rate my post, will you??
I'LL RANDOM -2 YOU!!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-01-19 23:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I may not leave any evidence of this on the internet, but I'm actually fairly intelligent.
Jerk.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-19 18:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
retard
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V
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-01-10 20:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehe, getting stoned and -2ing everything on most heated is as entertaining as I thought it would be.
This site is boring.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-01-10 18:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this rating is totally a retal... just because they seem to bother you, you little faggot
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-21 12:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Squelchmas, happy Squelchmas, everyone.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-21 11:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas you irritating potato head.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-18 15:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot to capitalize Awesome.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-18 11:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it. There were tons of great lines here. It was pretty awesome!
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-12-18 03:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, a 1.5 from the uniter is like a two from a real person.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-17 16:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-12-17 16:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-12-17 15:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, reading this made feel like watching 'The Bourne Identity'
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-12-17 12:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Beam....ROFLOLOCRAPTER
Submitted by EkO (user info) at 2007-12-17 11:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did enjoy this.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-17 09:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If a story where I eat Jesus doesn't get a perfect 2, well, then I don't know what will.
I hope my plane to CA doesn't crash.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-12-17 07:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thallasemia....I have it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-12-17 05:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't bother rating it last time, so have one now, if you must.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-12-17 04:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-12-17 04:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best one of them all.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-12-17 03:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't recall reading these.... good job though
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-12-17 02:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot to put Quinn's name in the title last time, it annoyed me.