Flame on! (1130 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.76 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2007-11-14 12:04:15 EST
My fiancé and I have been together for a little over two years now. She will probably read this. I made the mistake of showing her this site with some of the funny posts that I've written. They weren't even that funny.
Aside from my attempts at being comical, I've also written things of a personal nature for public display. Not thinking that certain personal things can come back to bite me in the ass and taking certain creative liberties, she knows more of a past that she does not care to know. She's had access knowing my user info and the little things about my past have bothered her.
Basically, the point has arisen that I haven't written anything about her. Nothing deep and heartfelt, showcasing the way in which I cherish her, anyway. A day late as usual, I arrive to this point.
I argued with her about her ex's contacting her. Three specific guys hording skin from burn victims that have blatantly disrespected me in the past contact her frequently enough to bother me, but not enough to warrant a bitchy response from her. The past is the past, a redundant man once said redundantly. Then, I shot him.
It all roots back to caveman style jealousy. Girl mine. No touch. No talk. Me smash you with enormous sloping five-head.
I got an email in January from a girl that I dated briefly in 2004. I emailed her back, told her that I was doing fine, made little mention of my relationship and told her to contact me anytime. Lapse in reason registers afterwards of course and I briefly reminisced about a date with her of which I posted about - in the email. I told her that I was glad to be a part of her memory as she is a part of mine.
I was wrong to even email the girl other than to say "I'm fine." I hadn't even thought back to a time without Jess until I was faced with someone reminding me of a time before I was even who I am today. She truly has helped me mold myself into the person that I want to be.
Fast forward two days and several apologies and here I am.
I've tried to imagine life without my beloved a few times; we've had our rocky patches. Neither of us has punched each other in the face, except for the one time (it was an accident, I swear) and the spark is still prevalent. We both laugh about things that are grotesque and fucked up.
I especially like when Aunty Florence makes her monthly appearance and Jess can do nothing but refer to her (read: my) vagina as a stupid cunt. She once gave me a power of attorney to act in all matters pertaining to her vagina. Fret not, there was a special limitation clause concerning abortions and the lack thereof. I love this woman.
I use clichés like fags use lubricants. Neither of us is perfect, but we're perfect together. She knows me better than I know myself. She knows how to irritate me like no one else and I can get under her skin like a tick. She knows how to melt me with a smile and send me crashing when she frowns.
I spent the longest portion of my sub-adult life adamant against marriage. I asked this girl to marry me. I never considered children in seriousness prior to her. Now, I see who my children will be. I asked her to marry me at a Counting Crows concert with a T-shirt that I borrowed $15 from her to buy. I'm not a bum. Those T-shirt vendors don't take Visa.
She's taken off my ring and put it aside. She hasn't left me. A ring is just a rock mounted upon metal. That's what I thought until she took it off and put it in the drawer below the bed. Now, I feel the beacon below the bed's constant hum as a reminder of a mistake that I made and that I might be a hobbit.
I'm so sure of her. I'm not sure whether I'll live to be 50; I don't care as long as I get to be with her for those 24 years. I'm not sure whether I will grow to be successful financially; I don't care as long as I'm able to provide for her. Life could throw anything at me and I know that as long as she's by my side, everything will be OK. I'm sure of that.
I'm sorry baby. I'm a stupid guy that does stupid things. It is the little things that can turn out to be huge. I hope that you'll be ready to wear my ring sooner rather than later. I love you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, not dead, it just feels that way sometimes.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-15 13:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well Live and Collective Soul were there!
Submitted by Flak (user info) at 2007-11-15 12:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The real problem here is that you were at a Counting Crows concert. No, wait... It's an even bigger problem that you went to a Counting Crows concert and actually bought a shirt. Using a shirt from such a shitty band during your marriage proposal has cast a dark cloud on the entire relationship.
But all is not lost. There is hope. Promptly find the shirt (I assume you still have that tacky token of your love), take a nasty shit, then use the shirt to wipe your ass. That should restore your mojo.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-15 04:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-14 22:14:15 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
You fucked up and now, Shlongy will probably be banging her soon, while you sit at home, alone, glued to the couch with your face in a bag of Doritos...night after night.
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From what ive heard id rather have my face stuck in a back of nails than be banging her.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 20:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh I didn't come to you guys first. I didn't tell her immediately that the girl had emailed me. I omitted the truth. I lied.
I don't think that she's overreacting. I would be peeved as well.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and OVERREACTION, your girl seems abit too sensitive, maybe i'm reading it the wrong way but if she is going to marry you you'd think she'd be abit more secure with herself and your relationship to deal with some random ex-girlfriend and a website.
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Agreed. How old is she? That's a major factor in this. 21 - understood. 27 - ridiculous.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-11-14 19:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your fiancee complains about you responding to an innocent email to someone you broke up with, even though she has the ring, and then in a jealous bitchy fit takes it off to make you feel guilty? Doesn't make sense to me. Tell her she's overreacting and never apologize.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
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How do you do these things?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, trying to talk to us about it before talking to her about it probably made your little problem worse.
Trust me, if she is willing to break off an engagement because of an e-mail to an ex, you have other problems that you are not conscious of.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, your delusions old man. I don't even like Doritos. How does Mrs. Shlongy get around your obvious obsession with 'hole'?
Fortunately I hooked up with an old groupie so she's slutty enough that it all works out for everyone involved.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As you get older, you care less and less about the pasts...well, and current activities...of your significant others. The wife doesn't give a shit. Besides, there's nothing I could do here to come even close her past debauchery. God love her.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm with toe on this
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-14 18:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd never tell anyone about my participation on ubersite.
and OVERREACTION, your girl seems abit too sensitive, maybe i'm reading it the wrong way but if she is going to marry you you'd think she'd be abit more secure with herself and your relationship to deal with some random ex-girlfriend and a website.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, your delusions old man. I don't even like Doritos. How does Mrs. Shlongy get around your obvious obsession with 'hole'?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You fucked up and now, Shlongy will probably be banging her soon, while you sit at home, alone, glued to the couch with your face in a bag of Doritos...night after night.
Submitted by oscar_dean (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stick in there. I'm sure you two have been through worse. You can't change the past. You can only change and learn for the future. And if you lie about the little things, it makes it harder to believe the big things.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got like half-way through and thought, "GAY."
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, I'm not that big a shithead. I'm not cheating either. I'm just a stupid guy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Buy her a monkey and do some stem cell research
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-14 14:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The world is full of shitheads. Let her date a few on them, then she'll be back.
Unless you're a shithead too.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My wife found my stuff here, and she's OK with it. One story made her cry, another made her buy an alarm clock. *shrugs* I made a difference.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This website is just vent for me. I really had no idea that it was important to her that I showcase our life to strangers as well as friends and family, so to speak. We hold hands in public; I didn't realize it meant so much that we hold hands here. I'm not ashamed to do so.
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girls get hurt when you try and hide them. plus it looks like you're cheating from another perspective.
good luck i guess.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:42:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Flame on, I'm gone
I'm so sweet like a nice bon bon
Came out rapping when I was born
Mom said rock it 'til the break of dawn
Puttin bodies in motion 'cause I got the notion
Well like Roy Cormier with the coconut lotion
The sound of the music makin' you insane
You can't explain to people this type of mind frame
And like a bottle of Chateau Neuf Du Pap
I'm fine like wine when I start to rap
We need body rockin' not perfection
Let me get some action from the back section
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
she'll get over it in time bro, trust me.
shut it, peanut gallery
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife found an external HD I had stashed away with stuff I had written about previous events/women. I still hear about it sometimes. She's still with me though. It'll go away eventually, so keep it up.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She'll get over it.
Give her the silent treatment for a day or two, and she'll come around.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've shared some of my writing but never given anyone info on how to find this site or me particularly. I fear that they'd be afraid, very very afraid.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that blows man
Submitted by TonyDanza (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:17:06 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never show your partner Uber. They just don't get it.
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I beg to differ! Angela LOVES Uber!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I tried so hard to care
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-14 13:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
RE: the picture
Specifically the speech bubble:
Fucking A!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I appeared entirely too eager when I emailed her back. I didn't remember replying after she wrote me back. I was willing to bank not responding on us. All that I had to say was that i didn't remember.
I'm a fool for other reasons. I've not really put into words here what our life means. I just don't feel it necessary to air our personal life in its entirety. There's really no excuse for many things. I'm just wrong on a couple of fronts and I want to apologize.
This website is just vent for me. I really had no idea that it was important to her that I showcase our life to strangers as well as friends and family, so to speak. We hold hands in public; I didn't realize it meant so much that we hold hands here. I'm not ashamed to do so.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty much.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I showed The Man Ubersite, memorable posts, plus showed him how to pull up my user info.
He's frightened now.
What was it exactly that upset her? E-mailing the ex or the things you've posted? Curious is all. What did she say?
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Girl mine. No touch. No talk. Me smash you with enormous sloping five-head.
I'd be smitten if a boy said that about me
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That smitten feeling lasts an entire five minutes. You know...until they start thumping their chest Tarzan style in church when the priest puts that cracker in your mouth.
But yeah, it's really nice for those first five minutes.
And Eats, that sucks. Sorry. Lesson learned, no?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Girl mine. No touch. No talk. Me smash you with enormous sloping five-head.
I'd be smitten if a boy said that about me
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, bless Hurty signed up his imaginary girlfriend.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't finish this because it screamed at me this: Jess = Jason , You = Faggot
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This coming from the guy with semen in his name? If you're going to insult me, at least be funny.
You're a big gay and I've a sticky keyboard.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't finish this because it screamed at me this: Jess = Jason , You = Faggot
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I get that a lot. Aside from my penis, I have a really nice vagina. And tits. Can't forget tits.
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you could be a self made man!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TheDoctor is in. I'm expecting way more.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 17:17:06 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never show your partner Uber. They just don't get it.
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Mine signed up!
Good luck dude.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I get that a lot. Aside from my penis, I have a really nice vagina. And tits. Can't forget tits.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And OMG - you are a dude??? I thought you were a girl?
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I assume she didn't throw the ring at you.
If that were the case you'd have some big changes to make.
I think you can make a nice recovery by actually "planning and executing" something romantic.
Not something you enjoy, something you'll both enjoy, something different.
You have learned so much grasshopper
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never show your partner Uber. They just don't get it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i also made the mistake of showing me bird ubersite.
that's the major reason I don't post anything of value anymore
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you're what, 24, 25-ish???
wait. wait. WAIT.
about 5 to 10 more years before you get married.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 12:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
imagine that
this whole time i thought you were a poofter