Waking Up Thinking Your Girlfriend Just Shit The Bed Can Be Incredibly Awkward. (593 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.9 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by phuzzygish (View user info) at 2007-11-14 09:36:33 EST
And makes for some pretty interesting moments the next morning, that's for damn sure.
Now I'm a pretty heavy sleeper. A combination of alcohol, rastafari mountain cabbage and an incredibly large Parma ham and smoked mozzarella pizza from Colcacchios will do that to you.
So imagine my surprise, and incredible grumpiness, when at stupid o'clock on a weekday morning I get woken up with Sam poking me in the ear.
Not even in a good way.
She's poking, and prodding, and flicking and annoying. So I open my eyes, get ready to say something incredibly male and insensitive, and realize she's sort of pointing at my pillow. So I turn my sand-crusted ogies to my pillow, and see some dark streaks running down the material. I figured this probably warranted a little more attention than a grunt and a turn-over, so I did most men would do when faced with dark streaks on the pillow in the middle of the night...
I sat bolt upright, and freaked the fuck out.
Well, I was about to. It was going to be a fantastic little "HOLYSHIT MY NOSE MY FACE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HOLY SHIT MY NOSE MY FACE MY PRECIOUS* HOLY SHIT" type affair, complete with hysterics and metrosexual hand waving.
I didn't get the chance to have my little plutz in the end, because I looked at Sam instead. Sitting up in bed, arms outstretched like a war-zone orphan near death begging for food and redemption, or something equally metaphorical and emotional. A look of pure angelic confusion covered her face, along with great flipping wodges of brown stuff.
It was in her hair, all over her hands, covered her pyjamas, and spread all over the sheets.
So I flipped out good and proper at this point.
After a short time screaming like a Nancy Puff and leaping from bed to chest of drawers to boudoir-thingy, I stopped and considered something. Even though I may have spent a good part of 2004 feeding a rampant, nostril-dissolving schnarf habit, I could still smell shit, when shit happened. And I couldn't smell shit. At all. In fact, there was a sort of warm, cocoa-type aroma, but that was about it.
To cut a short story long, it turns out my darling dearest has a bit of a sleepwalking problem. And a 'wake up in the middle of the night hungry yet still asleep so I'll just grab this big chocolate bar, rip the cover off and take it to bed with me forgetting to actually eat the goddamn thing, instead falling asleep with it in hand and squidging it all over all and sundry instead" type problem.
Which I suppose isn't too bad, considering she has full control over her bowels as well. And insists on doing any and all housework to make up for it, including the washing, ironing and back waxing.
God I love her.
She presses my shirts like a legend.
<I>* Not that I'm arrogant or vain or a misogynist sexist pig or anything. Not me, uh uh.
User Reviews
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
REPOSTED.
To fix italics and edit a paragraph.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113132
http://www.ubersite.com/m/113132
To fix italics and edit a paragraph.
REPOSTED.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Such delightful stories you write.
I've done this sleep/eat walking thing. Once I woke up only to find a half eaten plate of spaghetti next to me in bed. My hair was in it and the whole bedroom smelled of garlic.
I don't even remember getting up and fixing it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only proper thing to do would be to duct tape her to a wall while you projectile shit on her.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fucking cunt my roommates have properly destroyed our room this time. Came home to broken glass all over th lounge area, grabbed a six pack from the fridge and locked myself in my room here...
And this post were good.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
after she falls asleep tonight get a jar of pasta sauce and a stuffed animal.
toss the sauce about and tear the animal to shreds and go back to sleep.
in the morning wake her up crying, asking her "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY HAVE YOU DONE"
turnabout
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shame. Poor girl. She always gets the short end of the stick.
Wait...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she shits chocolate. Ever think of that?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you could write a sitcom about your bedroom hijinks. I'll guest star. It's settled.
Well that's just ADORABLE.
I hope you cleaned the chocolate off her properly..
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-11-14 09:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing