etiquette of the Man-Hug (44916 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.38 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2003-07-31 09:54:06 EDT
this goes out to the more homophobic of the uberusers out there, so that they can know how to act when this, that most awkward of cultural institutions; the Man-Hug, occurs.
it is important to know how to correctly execute a successful man-hug, as they are utilised in various occasions throughout our lifetimes, certainly, to greet male family members, but also for other purposes; to share joy at a sporting teams' success, or at a friend telling you he is going to get married. it is usually advisable to perform a man-hug whilst under the influence of a gutful of alcahol, but with these instructions, hopefully you will be able to painlessly snap off a quick hug while sober as a judge.
execution:
as you approach, the arms should be extended and raised, in pre-hug readiness. the right arm should be higher than the left, however it is important that the right arm is not too high, and vitally important that the left never, ever be too low. nor should the arms embrace the recipient on too similar a latitude; thats how you hug your girlfriend, and we dont want to confuse anybody, especially yourself, now do we? try and have the right hand 8-12 inches higher than the left.
as you approach, with arms raised and extended as shown, it is usual to omit a long vocal exclamation: "aaaaaaayyyyyyy." as the hug continues, it is proper that this vocalisation assumes a questioning tone: "aaaaaaaayyyyyyy?"
it is at the point of this questioning tone reaching its highest note, that the most important part of the man-hug occurs: the ritual back-slap. THIS IS THE MOST CRUCIAL PART OF THE CEREMONY.
the back-slap is important, because it is where you retain your masculinity whilst in an embrace with another man. see, youre hugging somebody, and this is giving love. in public. (if you are fuzzy about this, i refer you to the "public displays of affection" pamphlet you were all handed in high school) to counteract this possibly homosexual act, you need to cause pain. not much, but just enough, in a ceremonial kind of way that says while you are giving love, you are also giving pain.
i advise the trusty three-beat slap, with enough force to push a little air out of the hugee's lungs. many people also go for the closed-fist beat on the back, and i am one of these people, as it is far more masculine to punch someone, than it is to slap them; and you can never be too careful in this circumstance.
just as both the back-slap (or punch) and the vocals conclude, it is advisable to punctuate your man-hug with one more vocal: a loud, short "aarggh", said with as deep, and as growly a voice as you can muster. after this, you should disengage from the man-hug and contiue whatever it is that you were doing.
so there you have it, the Man-Hug in all its steadfastly heterosexual glory. i hope i have been of service to some of you reading this today, so that you can proudly go forth and hug to your hearts content.
but not too much, mind. that might seem a little gay.
ps. if you play soccer and are performing a post goal celebration, then you can ignore this; as pretty much anything up to, and including actual penetration is allowed in that particular circumstance.
User Reviews
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-07-24 00:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah, this old chestnut.
i gave it a rewrite recently to get it published in some magazine or other. yay me.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-07-24 00:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NAKEDMAMMAL (user info) at 2008-07-23 23:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also find it helps to avoid eye contact when going in or extracting from the man hug - eye contact could be mistaken for some sort of chemistry.
And for the love of god don't close your eyes or rest your head on the shoulder.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-09 05:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-19 01:48:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
This spot-on and hilarious, especially the PS. But I am more of a two back slap person than a three back slap person.
---------------------------
Ha! I was just about to make this comment before I saw I'd already made it, which proves that it's true.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-09 04:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LeavesTeethMarks (user info) at 2005-07-04 23:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think most penetration between soccer players occurs in the locker rooms after the game
Afterall, soccer is the gayest sport ever invented
Submitted by IhateTomCruise (user info) at 2005-07-04 23:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is unquestionably the best post i've read so far.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-07-04 22:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Swweettt.
That last sentence deserved a +2 all by itself.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-04 02:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit, i wrote this almost two years ago.
hmm, im gonna have to come up with something good enough for baw soon, two years is too long.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-04 02:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*scribbles notes*
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-06-21 12:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know why I liked playing soccer
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-21 10:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, there is something definitly different about soccer.
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-06-19 02:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. So very true. I enjoyed actually seeing the steps in words.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-19 01:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This spot-on and hilarious, especially the PS. But I am more of a two back slap person than a three back slap person.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-06-19 01:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see I +2ed this almost a year ago.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-06-19 01:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff here
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-03 06:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-19 17:38:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
this will forever be my favorite post.
Submitted by pincher82 <pincher82.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-11-04 14:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would've gone for +2 if it weren't for the over use of the words "whilst" and "ceremonial."
still funny though
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-26 15:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-02 12:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. Good post. And people ripping on Dewey is funny, too.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-07-02 12:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom: Since this was posted, I have utilized the man hug many times. Thank you for posting this and freeing my inner love for my man friends without looking too gay.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-29 20:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-19 17:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this will forever be my favorite post.
Submitted by Alana <mcfolly.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-03-04 07:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Anyone watch Dr. Katz when it was on TV? They had one issue where they talked about the man hug. Basically the gist was "I'm huggin' you, but I'm hittin' you."
Submitted by mariegael <lorettamariegael.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-08 02:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hehe. ok i'm a chick, but all my girls tell me i give guy hugs. haha i even do the punch thing. hahaha i only give feely hugs to guys. weird huh?
Submitted by he...yousaidpussy (user info) at 2004-01-04 17:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I did that aaaaaaaaaay aaaaaaaaaaaaay? thing.
Now everyones lookin at me funny...
Submitted by gem at 2003-12-26 17:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Me likey.
Submitted by Omega (user info) at 2003-12-23 05:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some great hetero info here!
The handshake intro may have been pioneered in the "GhIzZo", but is now a common staple in everyday suburban life. It's great for situations where you're not exactly sure if a man-hug will occur, but want to be open to the possibility. It's more appropriate than a straightup man-hug in nearly all situations, other than immediate family.
Remember, if you're not feeling the vibe leave it at the handshake. There are few greater masculine mixups than an innappropriate man-hug.
Submitted by hinkle (user info) at 2003-12-14 23:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FOR the homophobes? I think you must be one. Loosen up, geez.
Submitted by Gillespie (user info) at 2003-12-14 16:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. I'd give you a + 12 for the penetration portion, but, alas, I was born with a +2.
-J
Submitted by hairowen (user info) at 2003-12-11 16:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY DEWEY CAPS LOCK DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU. If you want to scream something use the "!" it works alot better, jackass. If you are as homophobic as you seem, you probably are just confused about your sexuality. Which is okay because you are probably 14 and some sexual exploration is normal at that age... or so I hear.
The Cuban
PS Awesome post!
Submitted by Kami at 2003-12-07 15:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, yes, the Man Hug. Personaly, i prefer the double tap method, as it can be completed much faster; sometimes, even to the point of making it an 'incomplete hug', thus telling the person that although you do not hate him, he has committed a transgression, and that it should be avoided in the future. Secondly, i'd suggest holding your breath, as the person is likely drunk at the time. Also, I would like to point out the fact that I'm completely making this up, as I have no problems with a man-hug, as long as the person hadn't just finished trying to hit on me.
Submitted by stacie at 2003-11-26 20:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
me and my girlfriends have always wondered about the guy hug. now we know...
it was fabulous ^_^
Submitted by LordBhorak at 2003-11-17 02:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There is actually 1 thing that should be corrected about a man-hug. You must not place your right hand up, so you would grab the other man with your both hands. No. In fact, you will have to grab his right hand with yours and perform a "slam" with your left to his back, so you will not touch his chest with yours, because your hands will be between you two. This is so manly hug, that this can be performed even when meeting with your good buddies.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-11-09 17:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOORAY FOR CAPS LOCK! And HOORAY for man hugs!
Submitted by indigowulf (user info) at 2003-11-05 06:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh damnit I forgot to hit that +2 happiness.
Submitted by indigowulf (user info) at 2003-11-05 06:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OOH OOH! CAN I TYPE IN CAP LOCKS TOO??
Nevermind. Im hurting my own ears. This is funny. Its 3 am here now and I just had my neighbor bang on the shared wall of our apartment cuz I woke her ass up laughing. Oh well. Shes a slut and has loud sex with different men everyday of the week. Shes just lucky Im not laughing when some guy is asking her who her daddy is.
Submitted by JDub <lervy.at.excite.com> at 2003-11-05 00:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some people just don't get good humor. You're hilarious. I want to stalk you. I also appreciated that it was categorized under Romance.
Submitted by Feldman (user info) at 2003-11-04 20:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LOOK AT ME, I'M TYPING IN CAPS LOCK
Submitted by dewey (user info) at 2003-11-04 20:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WHAT IN THE FUCKIN HELL? WHO WRITES ABOUT GUY HUGS? IF YOU GIVE GUYS HUGS YOUR PROBABLY GAY. ANYONE WHO HAS EVER GIVIN A GUY A HUG SHOULD BE SHOT IN THEIR TESTICLES. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WRITE ABOUT GUY HUGS? YOU ARE THE MOST RETARDED PERSON IVE EVER COME IN CONTACT WITH. I WISH I COULD SLAP YOUR MOM FOR SCREWIN YOUR DAD. OH AND BY THE WAY IM 13 YEARS OLD YOU COCK SUCKING LITTLE BITCH. DJ BYRNES IS GOD IF YOU HAVENT FIGURED IT OUT ALREADY.
-DEWEY
P.S. KISS MY WHITE ASS
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-02 04:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
god you people...take so much time to explain the most IRRELIVANT things in the fucking world and then you get posted at bored at work...simply amazing
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-10-31 23:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you need a hug, paul?
thanks for reading, champ. +2 for 'special' people. like my new friend paul, here.
Submitted by paul <cock.at.mouth.org> at 2003-10-31 23:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i think i am now dumber having read that article. anyone who wastes their time writing all that shit should not only be shot, but should be stabbed thirty-some times. you know that scene in scarface where he ties the dude up in the shower and cuts his arms off with a chainsaw? thats what i kinda feel like doin to you right now. good luck huggin ur butt-buddies after that, asshole.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-10-27 19:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Very educational for the socially dense. But for the more homophobic, it may be wiser to go for the handshake-turned hug, in which only the free arm wraps around. Its also safer, as that extra space between leaves much less chance of a phallic-encounter
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2003-10-25 10:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I touched myself while I was reading this. Im banned from the internet cafe now, thanks a lot!
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is one of the funniest posts I've ever read
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2003-10-23 02:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol i love this post, i also appreciated how it's catagorized under "Romance"
Submitted by lurk <lurk.at.sol.dk> at 2003-10-22 11:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting, yet in some parts of the world I believe the right arm can be higher than the left. That's what caused the missing +2. On the other hand, there will of course be variations worldwide.
Submitted by mumbi.at.lalaland.com <mumbi.at.lalaland.com> at 2003-10-22 00:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is everyone here from Britain?
Submitted by kidsensation (user info) at 2003-10-21 11:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, penatration after a soccer game is a must.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-21 10:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1066745075162523340
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-24 11:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny sutff.
Submitted by karma_chameleon (user info) at 2003-08-14 14:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well done. You deserve a painful act of affection.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-08-10 23:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So true.
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2003-08-10 22:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The post script made me laugh harder than I have in days.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-08-02 10:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great
aaaaaaaaaay?
Submitted by Invalid (user info) at 2003-08-02 09:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so true. Everyone must know this.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-08-02 09:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In some parts of Europe it's customary for men to greet each other by kissing them on both cheeks...I suggest you check it out, you might enjoy it more than the hug.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-08-01 13:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"many people also go for the closed-fist beat on the back, and i am one of these people, as it is far more masculine to punch someone, than it is to slap them;"
+2 for this alone.
This sort of expert advice is the halmark of true quality. Here we receive, not just the basics of the procedure, but also a "tip-from-the-pro" so to speak. The reasoning is sound and well thought out.
Also, this line made a booger shoot out of my nose as I hid in my cubicle trying to stiffle my laughter.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-01 13:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its actually 3:13 am, saturday morning and i have to be at work, dealing with dozens of screaming kids in about 6 hours, and im not even tired yet.
damn you alcahol, damn you and your sugary sirens song.
+2 because i feel like it.
bart, if you read this, i curse you to an eternity of reading posts by mcbain if you dont put this on boredatwork. baaaaaarrrrrrttttt.
thats it im going to bed.
maybe.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-08-01 13:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn you, it's the weekend there isn't it. Well fuck you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-01 12:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and no, loki im not happy, cos this should be on boredatwork. this is the single greatest piece of writing this site has seen for hours.
i am the greatest. im so great i make medicine sick. +2 for me being so great. and drunk, lets not forget drunk.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-01 11:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, im an attention whore, but why else are we here...
to have our thoughts and witticisms validated by our supposed peers, so that we can go to sleep at night with the warm, warm, blanket of recognition.
+2 for attention whoring
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-08-01 11:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
attention whore.
actually it was entertaining.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-08-01 09:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you happy now, you little attention whore?
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2003-08-01 00:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats how you hug your girlfriend, and we dont want to confuse anybody, especially yourself, now do we?
That was funny.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-08-01 00:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont know, queen, sweaty boob-grabbing has been the defining premise for many a great porno...
im not sure what the whole butt slapping thing is, we dont really do it here in australia, we tend toward the sporting variation of the man-hug
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-31 23:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL, And I have to also question what Loki questioned, ya'll are constantly messing with eachother and grabbing eachothers butts and hitting butts, during sports, alltho I think this is very cute, why is it such a big deal to 'hug' after you just got done grabbing the guys ass?...lol.
I've always wondered how women would look displaying this type of gaming affection...
I can see me and Loki playing tennis as a team against another team, and after we score the final blow and win the game, we embrace in a sweaty hug, and grab eachothers boob.
It just doesn't seem as cute....lol.
Queen
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-07-31 23:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by yes at 2003-07-31 22:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-07-31 22:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read the title this am before work, it sounded like a good one, but i never got the chance to read it.
it is a good one.
Submitted by cea (user info) at 2003-07-31 13:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I never thought it was so hard for you guys to hug. You have shown me the light.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-07-31 13:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I never understood why two men hugging was so ritualistic. Thanks for spreading the lime light.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-07-31 12:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real men don't hug, they clank beers together and say "Cheers!"
If anyone gets hit in the back it's because they slept with the other man's girlfriend and is twice his size.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-07-31 11:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the proper man hug involves a hand shake that transforms into a hug, keeping the shaking hands together, and giving a pat or a closed fist knock on the back"
That would be the SOUL-HUG. Common practice with African-American males. But it recent years, it's become socially acceptable for whitey to pull that one off too.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-07-31 11:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dammit, im giving myself +2 for razor saying "+2 for that alone" and then not giving me a plus 2.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2003-07-31 11:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
alcahol
Submitted by txyankee (user info) at 2003-07-31 11:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And that is why soccer is the world's biggest sport.
and also why i play!
-Alan
Submitted by d_d (user info) at 2003-07-31 11:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the proper man hug involves a hand shake that transforms into a hug, keeping the shaking hands together, and giving a pat or a closed fist knock on the back.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so is it gay when you come up behind your friend, and pick him up off the ground while furiously rubbing his man titties?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ps. if you play soccer and are performing a post goal celebration, then you can ignore this; as pretty much anything up to, and including actual penetration is allowed in that particular circumstance.
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-31 10:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
8-12 inches? Isn't that a bit much? Still, a rip-roaringly good post.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA good one
Now tell me why you boyes can't keep your hands off each other's butts when you play sports.
Submitted by DjSilky (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh I forgot the obligitory +2
Submitted by DjSilky (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ps. if you play soccer and are performing a post goal celebration, then you can ignore this; as pretty much anything up to, and including actual penetration is allowed in that particular circumstance.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can just see a players scoring a goal with seconds left to win the game being tossed on the ground and gangbanged in the butt.....ewwww
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
entertaining and informative!!!
Submitted by SubstnceP (user info) at 2003-07-31 10:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done! Couldn't have said that better myself.