A Pile of Shite Saved My Life (998 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.65 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vilem Marak <vilem.marak.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-07-20 07:17:27 EDT
I bought a motorcycle in 1995.
I bought that motorcycle in the Czech Republic during an extended stay of 10 months because I couldn't find a decent job at home and decided to ride through Europe to figure out what the hell to do after university. I had no commitments and time was on my side.
Being a naïve north American, I thought that 1000 cdn pesos would be enough to by a halfway decent ride for extended trips.
I was wrong.
Due to supply and demand and an emerging economy, a good bike cost 1000% more than what I had a anticipated, so I bought a Czech made 350 two stroke which handles like a bus and weighs almost as much as a teenage moose. (meese are big heavy scary bastards, bane to all Canadian motorcyclists - riders going north, beware of the insidious moose)
I bought the bike on the basis that it had an overhauled engine. I ended up overhauling the remainder in due time as the rest was a piece of shit. OK, Europe was out but the abundance of castles was great and castle tours would make a good plan B.
Now the reason I write this.
On one of my trips, on my way from a town translated as "Salty" I was riding out to one of the many picturesque wine growing regions which had a considerable history and lots of gothic architecture. The CR is quite hilly and straight back roads are few and far between but there was a 10 km stretch slightly downhill and relatively straight which made me think hmm..."I have put 500 km on this fresh engine, that's enough break in time I should think, I wonder what this hunk of shit can really do?"
I cranked the throttle.
80.
90.
110.
Holy fucking moly 120!
That may not look fast, but for a motorcycle built according to the Wright brothers blueprints, that's death defying.
Then it happened.
The motor seized on a very slight curve down a small hill. The rear wheel locked up.
I skidded straight unable to turn without dumping it.
Off the road.
Into the air.
Evil Kanival.
I flew, slow motion, over a ditch, between two trees at an altitude of 3.5 metres.
Straight into a large pile of cowshit/horsehit carefully selected, graded and refined for the purpose of fertilizing a farmers field. Manure concentrate.
The bike and I bit deep into the warm putrid mush much as I would imaging a shell shot from a tank burrowing itself into an armored personnel carrier . Boom! Thank god for full face helmets.
I pulled myself and the bike out of the mire and quickly evaluated the situation. I was lucky to be alive and without injury. In pulled the shit covered machine out of the pile with my shit covered gloves and braced myself with my shit covered boots to push my shit covered self with the bike back onto the road. I couldn't help but express a shit stained smile (a bit did get into the helmet as I rolled through the muck) and thank my lucky stars that I was OK.
After fiddling to get it into neutral and a lame attempt to start it, I pushed the crap encrusted road warrior up a varying 3 percent grade for seven kilometers back to Salty town. It was 24 degrees so I had to take off my shit covered leathers when I began to sweat from the work and heat. As I did, blobs of feces fell from in between the folds of leather as I stripped down to my t-shirt. That was when I got mad and a little ill (just a little, as vomit went up and was swallowed in the back of my throat) from the stench. I felt like dumping the bike right there and walking away.
I got into town. Old men stared, mothers with children kept their distance from the foul smelling madman. Dogs walked behind me confused why this manlike creature smelled entirely different than he should. I guess the curiosity was too great to keep them away.
At least the dogs liked me.
The first building I came to was a farm.
A pig farm.
The farmer looked me up and down and then up again. He didn't say a word.
I pleaded with him if he could get me back to where I lived 30km away.
Pity. The man's face registered pity as I told him my story.
My luck was for the better, he was preparing to go out that way with a load of pigs, so he could accommodate me and I needn't have embarrassed myself further telling this story again and again.
But I had to sit in back with the pigs as he found my smell offensive. Ironic.
I tried to give him 15 dollars worth of funny money in gratitude. He wouldn't touch it. I was as much as a leper in his eyes.
I rode in the back of the truck, with my bike. I had lots of room as the pigs steered clear. Me in the front and they huddled en masse, fumbling over each other in the back. I offended pigs!
Today when I drive by manure or see a septic truck, I don't wince or hold my nose for the smell. I smile, reminded of the fact that I may not be here today if it weren't for organic waste. As we all know, every once in a while you need good shit to happen, so don't take shit for granted.
(the included pic isn't the bike I rode that day, this one is my weekend toy)
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i fell off a horse and a pile of shit made sure i didn't literally break my ass.
i sympathize.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-18 13:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Interesting, and amusing. My maternal lineage is Czech - I hope to venture over to Europe and visit the mutha land, as well as my other lineage (Belgium) sometime before I keel over dead.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-26 07:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
"Whose Mototrcycle is dis?"
"It's a restored police motorcycle baby."
"Whose restored police motocycle is dis?"
"Mine you doofus!"
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-23 10:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
assuming im a pedofile?
get bent, then.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-07-23 08:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"sorry little boy, I don't have a back seat. you'll have to ride on my face."
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-23 08:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
short jeans are the raging look in the CR. as are the loafers.
i'm considered a real fashion plate here...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-23 05:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You may want to get some longer jeans too
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-23 05:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats what you get when mengele was a family friend.
aryan my ass! i have 8 dioptries in one eye and 7.5 in the other.
perfect race. load of bollocks!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-23 04:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That must of been a terrible accident, its turned you completly white.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-23 04:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-07-20 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You look like a young Bruce Cockburn trying to 'discover himself'.
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a hearty fuck you cos yer not the first to say this.
bruce fucking coburn.
the dude sings franlin the turtle songs which my kids listen to.
fucking arrgh!
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-20 18:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that bike is badass
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-07-20 18:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God approves of open pipes.
"His Triumph was heard throughout the land."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-20 13:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AHHHHH...THE HORROR.
What'd you look like before the accident?
Had to be much better than this.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-07-20 12:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-07-20 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You look like a young Bruce Cockburn trying to 'discover himself'.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-20 11:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ Jesus, I though I was white.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well....
actually both really.
they are just so very approachable.
and if that doesnt work out, then for about 75 bucks, you can get a real nice piece of tail in any number of fine establishments.
but that was ten years ago, may have changed.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit.....
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Casper, the friendly ghost,
The friendliest ghost you know.
Though grown-ups might
Look at him with fright,
The children all love him so.
He always says hello (Hello),
and he's really glad to meetcha.
Wherever he may go,
He's kind to every living creature.
Grown-ups don't understand
Why children love him the most.
But kids all know
That he loves them so,
Casper the friendly ghost.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cheap and gorgeous grrls which are really open to almost anything.
------------------------
Do you mean cheap as in they have reasonable rates, or cheap as in they don't go for fancy expensive dinners?
either way i wish I visited before I got hitched. I just don't see it as fun with the old lady along but we have tentative plans to go there someday.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Czech beer kicks ass. Pilsner Urquell has become my regular beer.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-20 10:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when I was (alot) younger I used to ride a Suzuki 1100. I DO remember that my legs were too short and stopping at the lights/holding up the bike at a sharp angle was difficult.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Czech Republic kicks arse - I have been to Prague twice, and taken trips around the countryside outside as well - cheap, cheerful, and nice women that drink beer - so heaven on earth really.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is turning into a job interview?
but i dont mind.
my parents are czech. i spoke some before coming here, but i was severly lacking.
this place i think would be perfect for uberusers.
supercheap and monumentally good beer.
cheap and gorgeous grrls which are really open to almost anything.
good nitelife.
ask anyone who's been here, they will verify.
chaosjester was here last year. he could fill you in.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like the albino kid from Me, Myself and Irene
---------------
im hiding out here so that fans will leave me alone.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wear leathers to not get killed.
if you had ever sat on a bike you would know that.
i have scruff cos im too lazy to shave and this was taken during holidays before a race.
i am in the CR. i came here to ride across europe and never left.
there is virtually no unemployment here and the standard of living surpasses anything i'd have back home.
build professionally? i wish, i dont have the skills nor the time. i develope industrial zones.
-------------------------
The leathers rarely save your life but they do save you from god awful nasty road burns.
When I first read CR I was trying to figure out what company it is that you are in. then I realized you meant the country.
That is the most glowing report of life in CR that I have ever heard, especially coming from a canadian native. But to be hones most I know about it is 80's spy movies and people who traveled there while studying abroad saying how inexpensive it was.
Did you learn the language when you go there or did young Vilem learn it growing up?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a beautiful motorcycle.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whitey! He he
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like the albino kid from Me, Myself and Irene
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 09:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You look like an albino napoleon dynamite that grew scruff and wears leathers to look tough.
----
i wear leathers to not get killed.
if you had ever sat on a bike you would know that.
i have scruff cos im too lazy to shave and this was taken during holidays before a race.
Funny story though. If memory serves you are in eastern europe? And the unemployment is better there than canada? Do you build bikes professionally or do somehting else as well?
------------
i am in the CR. i came here to ride across europe and never left.
there is virtually no unemployment here and the standard of living surpasses anything i'd have back home.
build professionally? i wish, i dont have the skills nor the time. i develope industrial zones.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You look like an albino napoleon dynamite that grew scruff and wears leathers to look tough.
Isn't working.
Funny story though. If memory serves you are in eastern europe? And the unemployment is better there than canada? Do you build bikes professionally or do somehting else as well?
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Very nice. At the moment i have a 1989 FZR400R Exup. As can been seen in this post http://www.ubersite.com/m/109757. I Would like to get it resprayed but have not got the funds
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i am impressed sir.
your knowledge of the production history of this machine far excels mine.
it's a hard tail as you can see.
handles great, good centre of gravity.
made of top quality steel, i've never seen material like this on any other similar type machine.
bulletproof hard yet lightweight.
i have a couple of others.
the shitecycle is a 1974 jawa 350.
it's terrible. i still have it.
i also own a lightly customised 1950 jawa perak 250 and had til last september a 1950 500 OHC jawa.
wow dude.
what do you ride/rode?
i love all two wheeled bikes
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The lighter class CZ motorcycles a plan was made in 1939 to create a CZ125cc motorcycle. Due to the World War 2, production was not started until 1946. The first model was a Type A and within a year followed by Type B.
In 1949 the CZ came out with a new model line with front wheel telescope suspension (Type C), at the same time a 150cc model was produced. Until 1950 these models were built without a rear wheel suspension. From 1950 on the 125T and 150T models were made with a plunger rear wheel suspension and were sold in Holland under different names: The "Welp" the cheapest model; the "Verkenner, voortrekker", the black versions.
The "Padvinder", the most expensive type and painted in the original red Jawa colours.
In 1955 the CZ150c model was replaced by the 150cc Jawa CZ model also known as (junior).
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice motorcycle
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsome. I always plan to do some restoration one day but it takes a lot of time and comitment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, im here due to 22% unemployement in my home town.
been here 10 years.
won't go back
i (used to) build bikes as a hobby.
pre war stuff is the best, but hard to come buy and too $$$
it is a 1949 CZ 150.
it's a police bike i restored.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Foolproof said. I likes bikes.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you only build classic bikes. Whats that you got there?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i build more than i ride.
easy to get killed out here on them and i am at the age where mortality is sneaking up on me.
except for the pigs on the truck, this is a true story.
i was lucky that day.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-20 08:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is purely for the fact you ride a motorcycle
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-20 07:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ALBINO ALERT!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-20 07:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh christ.
english is my first language.
im a canadian.
i will admit though i mostly use it only for this site.
loafers? albino?
where?
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-20 07:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that english isn't your first language. It seems as though you reverted back to when you were living there when you wrote this.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-07-20 07:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THere is nothing about that pic that isn't awesome.
The story left something to be desired, but an albino wearing leather and loafers on a motorcycle?
Classic.