RPM: Full Body BBQ (933 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Disgusting
Rating: 1.56 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-07-16 16:08:00 EDT
RPM: Full Body BBQ homo sapiens
Many readers will feel skittish or uneasy when considering the consumption of the human animal, but in our most basic form, we are simply meat, like pigs and cows.
We transplant the organs of pigs into our bodies, and we eat them. They are much like us in physiology, and taste.
We are blood and tissue and organ and muscle and bone, almost all of which is edible in one form or another, depending on the depth of one's need. The human brain and liver, when prepared properly, provide a delicious and nutritious meal. Our bones can be cracked open, and marrow roasted within fired bones has an earthy, hearty flavor. Like lobster meat within hard shells, marrow is a delicacy that yields relatively little sustenance for the work involved, but many believe the singular taste is worth the effort.
Moral quibblers should sate their hunger elsewhere. This article is a simple explanation of how to procure and prepare the meat that is us.
STEP 1: THE HUNT
Many would feel that there is a step that comes before the hunt, either convincing oneself that the eating of human flesh is some sort of crime and the mores of civilization must be shaken away, or simply abandoning oneself to utter madness and depravity.
Ludicrous.
We are walking meat, and if society cannot recognize that fact then we must simply incorporate into the hunt the means with which to protect ourselves from detection and the foolish prosecution of others.
How one selects their human prey is a matter of personal taste. Some people like caviar, some like squirrel stew. Some people like mature women, some people prefer infants. For the purposes of this discussion we will assume we are hunting an adult, as the dressing of a human infant is as simple as preparing a turkey for the oven —a few quick cuts and you are done— and we want to address how one should deal with larger prey and many fully developed and differentiated cuts of meat.
One will always endeavor to hunt clean prey - this cannot be stressed enough. What does it profit you to bring down a man who is riddled with cancer, or some sexually transmitted disease? Granted the health risks are minimal when one cooks the meat properly, but really, eating the diseased is like diving into a dumpster for restaurant cast-offs. It is a display of poor taste, and in the human hunt taste is paramount.
When one has selected their prey, the hunt begins. Personally, I stalk my future meal carefully, and when I am sure that my choice is clean and healthy and has a territory that allows it to occasionally venture into remote areas alone, I can make my move.
My own tastes run to Caucasian females in their mid-twenties who display that rare combination of fitness and plumpness.
One should never chase ones prey. Not only is this a completely unnecessary exercise which can be avoided with proper planning, but the act of running builds up lactic acid in the muscles of the prey, which not only taint the delicate flavor of the meat, but can also render it tough, no matter how careful you are later in the kitchen.
Knives and guns and garrotes make useful weapons, but be advised that guns are loud, knives make a mess, and using a garrote can make the prey mess itself. One has enough to deal with during the hunt without having a bladder or bowel let loose at such a moment.
During a rural hunt the noise from a gun is not an issue, but what about an urban hunt?
It is unfortunate that I cannot recommend my own urban weapon of choice, as it has been custom-crafted by me. I use a modified bolt-gun, powered by a small twinned cylinders of compressed air.
The entire device only weights eleven pounds, and there is a bonus. I have added a barrel to the gun that is loaded with a plug of soft wax. When I stand close to my prey and pull the trigger on my device, the first compressed air cylinder is used to drive the captive bolt forward into the skull, breaching that bony mantle and disrupting the delicate tissues beneath. The second compressed air cylinder is triggered milliseconds after the first, and it blows the plug of soft wax at the area just struck by the captive bolt, filling the rupture in the skull and sealing it instantaneously.
There may be a little kicking and thrashing, but the prey is usually dead in moments, in a relatively painless way, with no emotional trauma suffered by the prey, or the hunter.
What follows is an easy clean-up, since the wax plug in the skull prevents any great loss of blood. There is always the chance of loss of bladder or bowel function with my method, but so far I have been lucky and have only had to clean up a little secondary blood loss, from the nose or mouth.
With very little effort I will have prostrate at my feet a perfect, unsoiled specimen, and I will have left very little trace evidence left behind.
STEP TWO: DRESSING
It should be obvious that one may be more casual with a rural field dress than working in one's 'inner sanctum' as there are no soft remains to be dealt with in the wild since predators will take care of them. In the home or hideaway disposing of viscera can be such a chore, but that chore can be lessened somewhat, depending on how creative you are in the kitchen.
The dressing is straightforward and once the hunter becomes comfortable with the act and familiar with the anatomy of the prey the dressing can actually be quite a bit of fun.
The clothes are removed first, of course. In the wild or at home I use surgical scissors. The only cuts I want to see in the soft, round hide of my prey are cuts that take me to the meat, not clumsily unprofessional jabs and pokes. It is at this point there appears a clear demarcation between connoisseur and pervert. I am entirely capable of admiring the beauty of my kill, the roundness of a breast or the firm curve of a buttock, but I will not sully it with filthy, primitive urges.
Mother was right. One simply does not play with ones food.
Once the prey is stripped, I like to use the simplest method. I rope the ankles of the prey and hoist it up into the air, using a two by four in my cutting room and a tree branch if I am in the wild. There is something terribly satisfying about using your own raw strength to raise this captured creature inch by inch into the air, working up a sweat as every inch of the hide moves by your eyes, allowing you to inspect what you have taken and appreciate what you have accomplished.
If your prey had not bled out, the draining is your next task. This can be a very enjoyable task, as the blood will flow quite freely from your prey even after the heart has stopped. I prefer two deep and clean incisions on either side of the throat, from the corner of the jaw to the esophagus. There are those rare times when I will incapacitate, but not kill, my prey, and then make my cuts, watching as a frantic heart pumps the lifeblood onto the ground. It is a stirring and beautiful sight.
When the prey is drained the real work begins. I like to make a cut I call the 'down T' because it is a slash across the groin and a central cut from groin to ribcage. This cut allows one to work freely in the body cavity, freeing the viscera with quick cuts and working down into the ribcage to remove the heart and lungs. One does not want to damage the ribs themselves, as they are full of sweet marrow and for aesthetic reasons should remain intact in their 'racks.'
A true display of skill is the ability to delve deep into the torso, severing connective tissues by touch until the internal organs drop out of the body en masse.
Care should be exercised when dealing with the bladder and bowels. These organs should be removed from the body without punctures; otherwise you are simply soiling your prey.
At this point the hunter can pick and choose what to keep and what to discard. The heart, liver and kidneys are all fine eating, but everything else must go, from plucked eyeballs to excised anus, until one is left with a large piece of meat and bone, ready to be separated into choice cuts. Some like to discard the head, forgetting what a treat the brain is, and let us not forget the succulent tongue, which can be a marvelous snack when baked, chilled, sliced thin, and made into sandwiches, my own preference being tongue on a dark rye, with just a dab of Dijon mustard.
Below is a simple recipe I call the Full Body BBQ. It is adapted from a traditional pig recipe and will always result in a tremendous amount of good eating. IT assumes, of course, that one is dining in the wild.
(For those who wish to procure certain select cuts, follow this simple guide.
The head gives you the jowl, tongue and brain, all fine eating, although cooking brains is an acquired skill.
The shoulder and upper arm are excellent for the barbecue and result in pulled meat that is simply delicious.
The loin gives you hearty portions of meat as well as a fine selection of ribs.
The upper leg, if well-muscled and properly trimmed will give you a mouth-watering ham, and the lower leg is suitable for the barbecue.)
STEP THREE: THE COOKING
To bake your kill intact, it is of course necessary to build your cooker pit ahead of time. I have a favored hole in the ground in a remote spot. It is lined with concrete blocks and is two feet deep and four feet wide. The bed of the pit is lined with charcoal, fired up and heated to a steady red glow. Heavy wire mesh, basically a steel grid, is placed over the pit.
I like to clean my gutted kill and remove all the hair and check carefully for any piercings since no one wants to break a tooth chawing down on a silver ring. I weigh my carcass. This is important. I rub it down with salt and pepper and then stuff the torso with apples, onions and garlic, sewing the flaps of flesh tightly shut over the stuffing with steel thread. One should choose the spices one prefers. Sometimes a fistful of rosemary does wonders, sometimes going crazy with the pepper gives the meat a real bite.
I tie the legs and arms together with more steel thread, wrap the body in a lightweight metal mesh to hold everything together, and then pierce the body from rectum to mouth with a steel rod. Make sure the rod will gear the weight otherwise your meal could fall into the fire and all that meat and hard work will be for naught!
I like to prop open the mouth with a wooden wedge. I had a head explode the first time I ever cooked a human being, making the mistake of sewing the mouth shut. Granted it was spectacularly amusing, but it was also remarkably messy and I like to leave a clean pit behind.
Outdoor temperature, wind, and the heat of your coals can have an impact on cooking times. The rule of thumb is 30 to 40 minutes per pound. Did you remember to weight your carcass as I advised earlier?
Less the internal organs and the fatty, useless exterior of the breasts, 80 to 90 pounds of womanflesh can take between 6 and 10 hours to cook. This number is simple to ascertain, because one uses as a base for your estimate the largest cut of meat, usually the upper thigh or the buttock, which can weigh 10 to 15 pounds.
On the rare occasion you have more than one carcass to cook, you can prop the meat over the coals on iron grids and feed a guest or two, but remember to rotate your meat head over foot and back to front at regular intervals.
I always know my meat is ready because the flesh, when sampled, is cooked to crackling goodness, possibly even black in appearance, yet still rich with flavor, indicating the meat has not been dried out by the heat.
At the end of a long day, you will have quite the feast on your hands.
Enjoy!
And remember to clean up afterwards; dissemble any remaining bone and muscle into small enough portions that local wildlife will have ease disposing of them for you.
Now here's a simple recipe for a real treat - apple dipping sauce for your barbecued meat.
Chunky Applesauce
4 to 8 medium apples - peeled, cored and cubed
1 tsp (10 ml) cinnamon.
Place cubed apples in a medium casserole dish. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover and place on hot coals about 12 minutes, stirring every 3 minutes.
User Reviews
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-02 22:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm! Now I'm so ready for that Labor Day barbeque tomorrow! Thanks, Jack!
Submitted by fidelcity (user info) at 2007-09-02 20:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think you might have a problem
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-19 20:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2LIVE
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-19 20:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
I hadn't clicked on this cause I assumed it to be a recipe for BBQ sauce.
Very nice
Submitted by jedi (user info) at 2007-07-18 11:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
mate, you really do need to have a quiet word with yourself- this is too in depth for me, you gotta be hiding sum sick shit in that head of yours..this is exactly how nazi germany started...
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-07-18 05:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only rpm I will try. thanks for the recipe.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-18 02:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe. Good recipe.
Fucking twisted mother-fucker.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-17 12:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
long pig
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I thought the term was long pork?
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-07-17 12:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
twisted good
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really did not like this one little bit, which makes this disturbingly good, i think.
I feel better about myself. i'm off to have a big mac. real meat. (Disclaimer: Big Mac may or may not contain human meat, or animal meat, or "meat" or anything that might have been alive or dead at any point.)
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-17 08:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you've forgotten to point out that we also fuck meat.
i had a native friend (native my ass, he was an indian. period.) and he said that all girls are the same. when you get past the hole, you are just fucking meat anyway.
maybe he was right.
(rest in peace ray, you were a good un.)
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-07-17 00:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah!
You chose an excellent voice. This is hilarious.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-16 23:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be the last rpm
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2007-07-16 22:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Hannibal, I'm boiling the fava beans now
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-07-16 20:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read: Flyboys, by James Bradley for liver recipes
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-07-16 19:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthy of Lector himself.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You, ma'am have the innate ability to take a 2 minute piece and turn it into a 20 minute narrative as if we could actually give a fuck about what you have to say.
Please go fuck yourself gently.
--
How about you butter your head and stick it up my ass. Gently.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You, ma'am have the innate ability to take a 2 minute piece and turn it into a 20 minute narrative as if we could actually give a fuck about what you have to say.
Please go fuck yourself gently.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The problem with the cooking is, it's very hard to get just right. You've got the skin, the marrow, and the musle, and the general body mass to work together just right and I find it's nearly impossible..
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more rape.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The bloody prey can be hard to carry. I guess that explains why you bought a Ford Ranger.
--
The waterproof snap-in bedliner is worth its weight in gold.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The bloody prey can be hard to carry. I guess that explains why you bought a Ford Ranger.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The prey will mess itself regardless at the point of death.
--
In the real world? Often, but not always.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jack - your big date Friday night - you wanted me to remind you to purchase the chloroform...
Consider yourself reminded.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and u call people sociopaths
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice recipe, but there was one mistake:
"using a garrote can make the prey mess itself"
The prey will mess itself regardless at the point of death. The only solution to this problem is to make the kill when the prey is naked, and preferably on the toilet. Either way, you're still going to have to deal with some amount of fecal matter.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My first post was actually about human consumption. Well, the series of posts, that is.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But the meat is always so tough, and when you try to tenderize it, it gets stringy.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You put BBQ sauce on anything and its fucking edible. Fuck Ill fucking drink BBQ sauce!
God I love BBQ sauce.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA, fucking awesome
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for clearin that up, JC...I'm not "hip to the lingo" as you kids say these days...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Recipe Post Monday.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Im sorry Jack, but this was right off the boat into strangetown. I am indeed "skitted" by the calm description of cooking a human, its too Dahmer for me. On a positive note im rating the post not the poster.
--
AHAHAHAHA!!!
Dahmer was a fucking hack.
Only fucking hacks get caught.
==========
this is certainly true, maybe if he had a larger appetite and was able to beat out his acid reflux Dahmer wouldnt have gotten caught, if all the evidence is poo, then whats left?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too short-attention-spanned to read this, but what does RPM mean?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i must've rated one of the others.... this is fucking ROTTEN man.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Im sorry Jack, but this was right off the boat into strangetown. I am indeed "skitted" by the calm description of cooking a human, its too Dahmer for me. On a positive note im rating the post not the poster.
--
AHAHAHAHA!!!
Dahmer was a fucking hack.
Only fucking hacks get caught.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Im sorry Jack, but this was right off the boat into strangetown. I am indeed "skitted" by the calm description of cooking a human, its too Dahmer for me. On a positive note im rating the post not the poster.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for the TRIPLE post.
Goddamned fucking asswipe coworkers.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Fucking dumbass sheep, all of them.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IF ONE MORE FUCKING CUNT COMES UP TO MY DESK AND STARTS BABBLING ABOUT SHIT I SWEAR THEY ARE GONNA COME TO A GRISLY END! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
long pig