Great seats at a comedy club = I got shit on all night. (1170 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fat Tony (View user info) at 2007-07-12 13:16:35 EDT
I should have known that great seats for no reason would end up costing me. Not money, pride. The place was almost packed and I walk in late with a few friends and we get to sit right in the front row! After we ordered our first round of drinks I recognized the disaster zone and asked to be seated someplace else. Wasn't happening.
First comedian: Hey look! It's a hot air balloon of a man with a beard! HOLY OH MY JUMPIN JESUS IT'S A REAL MAN!
I gave him the middle finger. "Careful buddy, might burn up too many calories. Quick get this man a milkshake! STAT!"
Second comedian: Wow! I thought I was going to have a bad set then I seen this gentleman in the front row. Thank you Lord! Hallelujah! I bet you take shits the size of dog houses, don'tcha?
I nod yes, knowing I'm as good as dead.
I only make fun because I can't see your dick. I bet I couldn't see your dick if you were naked. Ya know what would be a fun game? Following this guy into the bathroom to watch him piss. We could all take bets on which fold the piss will come out of.
I smile and just wait for it to end.
Man I wish my girlfriend had tits just like yours. Wow. You are actually making me question my masculinity. Wow, look at those manboobs. I'd have a problem with the hair, but since I'm Italian I'd adapt to it really quick. You sir can turn me gay!
Everybody was laughing at my expense. It was all good until......
Fucking fags. Wow. I'd never turn gay. Because being gay is just bad. Being gay is just not natural and I'll tell you why (he starts to laugh) Then a few "gays" chimed in and they started to heckle and get rowdy. He immediately went to damage control.
How come the fattys didn't come to your defence lardass? You and you and JESUS CHRIST I wish I seen you first OH MY LORD look at the size of this beast. How come none of you came to this guys rescue? Know why? Fattys don't have a parade and a month and a culture and fattys dont' want to be fattys. But queers fucking queers are sensitive as hell.
He finished his set without saying anything else about homosexuals.
A few minutes after his set was finished a woman came up on stage. She didn't say one word yet we made eye contact. Just then our waitress comes over and hands me my credit card. "Sir all of your drinks have been paid for by Mr. James, he thanks you for being such a good sport." She then points to him and he was at the bar, it was the comic who just got off. He raised his glass and I raised mine.
Muthafucker.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-07-21 01:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did this actually happen? Maybe it's because you're paraphrasing, but some of that seemed unlikely. Lame though if it happened.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm back fat boy.
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hahahahahaha
wow, a FT post without racism or wife beating! i'm impressed!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm back fat boy.
Submitted by fractils (user info) at 2007-07-15 16:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It sounds as though you were watching some pretty unimaginative, talentless comedians. As for comparing "fatties" to homosexuals... fatties can do something about their state, homosexuals generally cannot.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2007-07-13 11:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss your drivel.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-07-13 05:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't that bad... you write funny, true or not.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-13 03:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe just go for the drinks next time
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-13 03:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-07-12 15:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once sat in the front row of a comedy club wearing a t-shirt with Yoda on it.
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Well that was a good idea....
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-07-12 16:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You didn't see this coming from a mile away?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-12 15:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-12 11:14:18 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not buying this story - comedians are way too cheap to buy a drink, much less pay your tab - but it was a good tale nonethless.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-07-12 15:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would'a started the set by asking; Where in the hell did you buy 56/18 sweat-pants?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-12 15:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are like a fungus.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-07-12 15:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once sat in the front row of a comedy club wearing a t-shirt with Yoda on it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I almost felt sorry for you.
then I realized you're a fat piece of shit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not buying this story - comedians are way too cheap to buy a drink, much less pay your tab - but it was a good tale nonethless.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love to sit up front, makes me laugh all the harder. Hell if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Comics who make a show out of one person in the audience don't have material. There haven't been any new fat/gay/airhead/blonde/old/young/men/women/whatever jokes in forever, so they're all just rehashed crap.
Best plan is to stay out of the front row, but if you're set up, simply respond to the first question with, "You're really not very funny, are you? These people are laughing at me, not at your jokes. You're merely pointing out ways that they can feel superior to me, but what you're describing is what they can see, so you're really adding nothing. I am the source of their entertainment, not you. So, since nobody paid to see me be fat but we all paid to see you be funny, why don't you go ahead and actually be funny. See if you can do it on your own. You must have 5 minutes on airplanes or cats vs dogs or women vs men or kids today or any other old tired comedy subject - all comics do and you call yourself one. Go on, then. Be funny." Guaranteed he won't be.
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I wish I could be at a show when someone said this.
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In college I and several friends uses to go to comedy shows wearing t-shirts printed with "Staff Heckling Crew" on the front and "Laugh At The Wrong Time!" on the back. We'd sit in the front row and laugh at the wrong time, clap waaay too long after even a moderately funny bit, repeat the opening act's jokes while the headliner was on stage, and generally get thrown out a lot. The best part was when the comics would pick on someone for too long, and one of us would move over to their table and say something like "You got any stomach cancer jokes? He's here to get cheered up because stomach cancer is fucking horrible." Good times, good times.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-12 14:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Best plan is to stay out of the front row, but if you're set up, simply respond to the first question with, "You're really not very funny, are you? These people are laughing at me, not at your jokes. You're merely pointing out ways that they can feel superior to me, but what you're describing is what they can see, so you're really adding nothing. I am the source of their entertainment, not you. So, since nobody paid to see me be fat but we all paid to see you be funny, why don't you go ahead and actually be funny. See if you can do it on your own. You must have 5 minutes on airplanes or cats vs dogs or women vs men or kids today or any other old tired comedy subject - all comics do and you call yourself one. Go on, then. Be funny." Guaranteed he won't be.
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that's a third of my posts
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Comics who make a show out of one person in the audience don't have material. There haven't been any new fat/gay/airhead/blonde/old/young/men/women/whatever jokes in forever, so they're all just rehashed crap.
Best plan is to stay out of the front row, but if you're set up, simply respond to the first question with, "You're really not very funny, are you? These people are laughing at me, not at your jokes. You're merely pointing out ways that they can feel superior to me, but what you're describing is what they can see, so you're really adding nothing. I am the source of their entertainment, not you. So, since nobody paid to see me be fat but we all paid to see you be funny, why don't you go ahead and actually be funny. See if you can do it on your own. You must have 5 minutes on airplanes or cats vs dogs or women vs men or kids today or any other old tired comedy subject - all comics do and you call yourself one. Go on, then. Be funny." Guaranteed he won't be.
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I wish I could be at a show when someone said this.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I ALMOST feel bad for you.
but the story was funny.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There is nothing socially acceptable about being obese so I can side with your plight. If you don't like being called out as the grandiose fat specimen that you are, then shut the fuck up.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Comics who make a show out of one person in the audience don't have material. There haven't been any new fat/gay/airhead/blonde/old/young/men/women/whatever jokes in forever, so they're all just rehashed crap.
Best plan is to stay out of the front row, but if you're set up, simply respond to the first question with, "You're really not very funny, are you? These people are laughing at me, not at your jokes. You're merely pointing out ways that they can feel superior to me, but what you're describing is what they can see, so you're really adding nothing. I am the source of their entertainment, not you. So, since nobody paid to see me be fat but we all paid to see you be funny, why don't you go ahead and actually be funny. See if you can do it on your own. You must have 5 minutes on airplanes or cats vs dogs or women vs men or kids today or any other old tired comedy subject - all comics do and you call yourself one. Go on, then. Be funny." Guaranteed he won't be.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why's everybody always gotta pick on the fat kid?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bloody hell man...that must suck. I guess it was nice of him to buy you your drinks.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-12 13:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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