On The Off Beat (1217 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2007-06-14 17:32:54 EDT
"Contact," I say, slapping Dave on the forehead.
His eyes open, he looks confused. He mutters something I don't catch, but I don't think there were words in there anyway. Dave's room isn't technically messy, but you just get the feeling that if you touch things, they'll be sticky. Dave's been sleeping on the sofa. His bed is approximately fifteen feet away. Dave is not an optimist.
"Morning, sunshine," I say. His eyes close again. I walk over to his sink and fill a glass of water.
A few seconds later he's properly awake, his face drenched.
"The fuck? Did you do that?" His voice rises to a level that isn't quite a shriek.
"Yes."
"What the fuck for?"
"It's time to get ready, my man."
"Is it Saturday already?" he asked, his tone calmer now, plaintive. It's about as useful as calling bullshit on your alarm clock when it goes off.
"You know it's fucking Saturday, Dave. You're not that dense."
He smiles, wryly, like it's expected of him. It's a kicked-dog smile if ever I saw one.
"Look, dude, I'm not really up for it, eh? Yeah? You could just go yourself; you're better at that shit anyway." He shrugs, and smiles that wry I'm-a-screwup-but-you-gotta-love-me smile.
"No sale," I tell him, and I pull him to his feet. "You know the guy, he's your guy, you gotta come."
Dave begins a half-hearted protest. I cut him off. "That's the end of it, mate," I tell him. "I'm not going in cold."
That's basically it. Once the foot is down, it's down. Dave tries a few more objections, each more feeble than the last. I try bundling him into the shower, Dave resists, Dave wins this round. I relent; like it matters to me if he's filthy. I thought he might have a bit more self-respect, is all.
I can't even persuade him to change his sweater. Mind you, the thought of peeling it off his grimy, probably sticky skin makes my own skin crawl.
"You're a sorry bastard, Dave," I tell him, shaking my head.
He gives me a grin, a shamed, painful grin, one that says that he desperately wants to be in on the joke. There's no joke here.
Contact. We're in through the door of the house, the music already painfully loud, the shrill laughter already making my head pound. The house is typical for this kind of scene; plain white walls, threadbare carpet. Half the doorways don't have doors; they're just holes in the walls, leading abruptly into the next room.
I duck past a pair of disgracefully aging hippies and find myself in the kitchen, a patch of relative calm. I seize a plastic cup full of some amber liquid and knock it back. It tastes vile, gin and medicine vile, but it burns all the way down.
Dave hovers behind me all the while, shifting from foot to foot. The sad thing is that his nervous twitches and ratty, unwashed clothes don't look all that out of place here. He's more at home here than I am, but he can't see that. We're both itching to get out of here, maybe him even more so than me, so he can collapse back on his couch and let cable TV hammer a soothing pipeline into his brain.
Outside the sky is losing the last of the day's light.
How does Dave afford that cable anyway?
"Just point him out to me," I tell him, wondering vaguely where the rest of the bottle of vile is. "You know what to do."
Dave nods, distracted, edgy. We make our way out of the kitchen by another door and find ourselves in the heart of the party. The proximity of all these people, these sweaty junkie scum, gyrating and cavorting their way around me, sickens me. I steady myself, placing a hand on the wall.
Dave spots his man and nods to me. I wave him away and retreat into the kitchen. Defeated by the noise, I pull up a stool to the counter. I hesitate, and then, instead of sitting, I open the fridge door. I pull out a bottle and sit, pouring myself a shot into the same plastic cup. It's not the same crap as before and it goes down a lot smoother.
As I swallow my third, Dave comes in, looking calmer than he has all night. He slaps a small bag down on the counter before me.
I look up at him.
"Just like that?" I ask.
"Yeah," Dave says, grinning, proud. Like the cat that got the fucking cream.
"That didn't take long."
"Nah," he says, "Weren't a thing to it. Painless, like."
Fighting against the temptation to sample our new goods, feeling my hand inch towards it, I say, "Too easy. Bail."
"What?"
"Bail!" I shout at him, and I pocket the bag, pick up the stool and smash the kitchen window. I jump through, panicked and reckless, and my leg catches on the sill and I cut it on the glass. I end up face down on the lawn, amongst the shards of glass. I roll over and see Dave, bemused, staring at me through the broken window.
I probably could've just opened it.
Dave climbs through, carefully.
"Setup, man, it's a fucking setup."
"Not this time," he tells me. "Just an efficient guy."
He helps me to my feet and I lean on his shoulder, sparing my cut leg. Pain flares up it nonetheless; I think it might be cut deep.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get you home and fix."
He leads me away, blood beginning to drip into my shoe.
The only other difference between us is a shower.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-19 21:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
_____
Oh just fuck off already
Uniter's Response: Haha it's dipshits like you getting so irate about ratings that don't mean anything that makes me do this in the first place
My response: The reason i get agitated is that your bullshit ratings pull awesome posts away from "Best Ever" and therefore decrease the likelihood of me ever reading them, which as a result deleteriously affects my Ubersite experience.
Not only that, but you're obviously a fucking average poster with an overall rating of probably about 0.5 who has the gall to "objectively" give posts shit ratings when you manifest the obvious favouritism you are attempting to counteract by giving patently shit posts +2's.
But then again, considering you are doing this all as some sort of pathetic attention seeking venture to compensate for your unpopularity in your real account then this is probably music to your fucking ears.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-19 21:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This came out when my computer was busted. Great Stag, as usual.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-10-23 12:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-10-23 12:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should give writing something another crack
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-17 22:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh wrong post, whatever
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-17 22:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-10-17 22:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a chance
===
You'd be great at this comp. God forbid you write something.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-17 16:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-10-17 15:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looking forward to the final you cunt?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-10-09 22:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-18 10:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-18 09:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-18 09:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-28 01:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POST SOMETHING YOU TALENTLESS HACK.
*reverse psychologizes*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-10-06 12:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I finally saw "The Proposition" last night. Excellent film.
Did you really write that in three weeks?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-18 01:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you link me to your story where the man catches his wife cheating, and is all calm about it? I can't think of the title of what it was.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-08-14 04:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-14 02:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you aren't already playing the game then you can register at
http://fantasy.premierleague.com
Once you have logged in and entered your team, click on the 'Leagues'
link you can find on the the right of the page. Now enter the code
30964-165884 to join the private league.
---------
League up.
--
Done
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-05 02:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But the real question is....is Dave even real?
And the answer is: of course he is, you idiot.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't rate this because I thought I would give it a +1.
But in reading it again, I realize, again, that incredible way you capture a scene. I've been trying, as a conscious exercise, to make note of the little things about people or feelings or situations that truly capture them; and where it seems I have to seek them out consciously, they come naturally to you.
The line about the stickiness was an excellent example of this.
You write very economically. Whereas I'm entirely frivolous. I've tried to mimic your style a couple of times and it all comes out horribly boring and trite. Somehow you keep the language clean and simple and it's still entirely engaging.
The setup of was of course very clever in this -- I was uncertain of the point really, until I hit the last line and found myself overjoyed at your use of the narrator to describe the 'secondary' character. An excellent twist on bringing these people to life in my head.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-18 21:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm gonna go eat worms.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-18 10:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-18 09:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-18 09:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-28 01:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POST SOMETHING YOU TALENTLESS HACK.
*reverse psychologizes*
-----------
What if Stagger Lee came back and nobody noticed?
===
What if Stagger_Lee came back to a 1.9 rated post reviewed 26 times? OH RIGHT.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on the bus?
Trying to make his way home?
If God had a face what would it look like?
HAR HAR GODFACE
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-16 22:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But who would want that?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-16 10:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pleasure. If you post MORE, I promise to post less.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-16 10:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pleasure. If you post, I promise to post less.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-15 13:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid dealers
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-15 08:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-15 07:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice - Whoo bagheads!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-15 03:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-15 00:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a one AND two AND three AND four AND
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-30 13:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is perhaps the deepest piece I've written. There's just not a lot of hand holding, is all.
Every word should be approached as if it was a twenty ton weight. Heavy, man. Heavy.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-15 00:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha
That's funny because I almost wrote that the inconsistent behavior of your guy, how he could be so in control and smart in the beginning and then be such a moron later was because maybe you put too much of yourself in the earlier part.
Not knowing you, it sounded strange to do so.
But I see you had it all planned.
Good show.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-15 00:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I see.
The title was a way of saying that the main character was a hypocrite and that his self-perceptions are skewed. The way he seems at the end is closer to his real persona than the one at the start. Much like somebody projecting confidence that they don't really feel. He also judges everybody harshly, moving them into a sort of "pathetic" category that he automatically exempts himself from. An aspect of this is his self-importance in believing that an easy transaction was a bust, when he's actually too unimportant to bother with.
In effect, this story is a criticism of myself, as someone who is a judgemental hypocrite.
Thanks for the comments, mate.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-15 00:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amping, as in a heart racing from drug use, as in one interpretation of the title of your story. I think it originated from amphetamines and branched out.
I just thought Dave's buddy lost his earlier cool and turned paranoid so quickly it was almost as if he lost his mellow and freaked, except it seemed from the story that the two guys had been out of drugs until that day. Unless it was the shots he took while waiting. Were they spiked with acid, or something? I would imagine you would have made that clear. That might have been a cool way to help switch personas, actually.
So if he was mostly straight, he turned dumber than he seemed pretty fast because even if the houseful of stoners was an elaborate setup, it wouldn't be for two small timers as you wrote them, and any law enforcement would have let them pass and waited for bigger fish. Which he would know if he was as straight and as smart and as experienced as he seemed initially.
But then again, he lives with sticky Dave and he's an addict, so...who the fuck knows what he would do?
I'm just thinking too much after your question, but in any event you write well enough that any inconsistencies I found, real or imagined, don't bother me anyway.
This was a pleasure to read.
Cheers.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-14 23:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-15 12:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some fast amping, cowboy
=======
I don't know what this means.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-14 22:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some fast amping, cowboy.
Other than that, I liked it very much.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-14 20:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
enjoyable.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-14 20:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get to do shots when you go to score? How decadent. I'm never even allowed out of the car.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i could roll with a few more installments of this
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No no, thank YOU red, for dusting me off.
Apparently.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been too long since I've logged in with this alter and posted something - thanks everyone
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Masterful.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CAN IT BE? IS "SERIOUS WEEK" FOR REALS???
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splendid.
I come back from holiday and this is the first one I read.
splendid I tells ya.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FINALLY