This is what I have... (649 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.8 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Technoboy (View user info) at 2007-05-01 22:32:58 EDT
We've been talking about it for weeks, and all it seems like is that we're trying to pinpoint the exact moment that my life went wrong. So far, we've narrowed it down to somewhere me being born and sometime last year. I could just have bought myself a leather sofa of my own and spared myself the wretched misery I feel every time we finish our sessions.
To quote a much better writer than myself, this is what I have instead of a life.
I haven't had a decent nights sleep in over a year, I have panic attacks when I go out and my social life has grounded itself into a complete standstill. All I feel is despair. I think I'm the only barman in the known universe who is scared of the customers, the staff and the population at large. I think the scariest thing is that I constantly feel like I'm losing my mind. And I'm always scared. Always.
I'm not thick. Just the opposite, I have a very clever mind. The thing is, I don't know how to use it. It's always following it's own trains of thought and never lets me intervene for long enough to take advantage of it. I could explain to you how stars form, and the ins and outs of nuclear explosions. I am a freak. I don't have many friends. This is purely through personal choice. My so called friends spend their time snorting speed and dropping pills. That's not the life I envisioned for myself. Also, I just can't be fucked with human contact most of the time. I'd much rather be left alone with a book, or my PC. I think introverted and antisocial would be an adequate description of myself.
She got a job at work the other day. She's been in before, she's one of the regulars daughters, and she's beautiful. Stunning, even. We have a laugh and a joke when she's at the bar, but now I'm scared that if I get to know her a bit more I'll start to fancy her. At this present moment in time, I can imagine nothing worse. She's beautiful, a vision from the heavens, and I am something that most people would refuse to even step in. I'm scared of girls, even more so with girls I actually like. I'm scared of rejection, the fear of rejection and I'm extremely scared of physical contact.
This is what I have instead of a life.
User Reviews
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-05-02 12:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Depression is a sneaky bitch. I'm not saying that every person who chooses to be alone is depressed, but from the other things you describe...
I was diagnosed with clinical depression this year. Shit...it didn't take some doc to tell me that. I did my research and I met every classic sign. Tried meds three times over the last year and had horrible experiences with them all. (I'm NOT a meds person, but it was worth a try.) It is a daily battle for me to force myself to be with others, which absolutely amazes friends/coworkers as I appear to be quite outgoing. It is a forced effort. I know if I don't force myself, I will fall deeper and deeper into these thoughts. Problem is, when you are depressed, you don't care if you go down that road.
A depressed person would rather hole up in their bedroom alone with a bottle of booze/drug, or simply alone and not have to converse with anyone, ever. Lots of people think this is a crock of shit, and I probably would have been one of them years ago until I went through it myself.
Take care of yourself.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-05-02 10:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She got a job at work the other day. She's been in before, she's one of the regulars daughters, and she's beautiful. Stunning, even. We have a laugh and a joke when she's at the bar, but now I'm scared that if I get to know her a bit more I'll start to fancy her. At this present moment in time, I can imagine nothing worse. She's beautiful, a vision from the heavens, and I am something that most people would refuse to even step in. I'm scared of girls, even more so with girls I actually like. I'm scared of rejection, the fear of rejection and I'm extremely scared of physical contact."
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Very similar situation, but I have friends who have worked on my behalf. These are imaginary Internet people too, who have massaged my ego, turned around my doubt and basically encouraged me along the way.
Keep Trying.
-Dave
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-05-02 07:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82449
Been there.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bourbon man, myself. But I'll give it a shot some night just for you.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
incidently I rather prefer Paddys (whisky)
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey y'eejit - its not JUST the Guinness!
:-P
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Michael Collins Single Malt, too. My bad.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey y'eejit - its not JUST the Guinness!
:-P
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 because Merlina is one of the happiest people I know (Guinness) and she offers better advice than I do.
Also +1 for avoiding the crank. I hate tweekers.
Buck up, little camper. It'll be okay.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-02 02:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I just can't be fucked with human contact most of the time. I'd much rather be left alone with a book.
~~~
You know this is okay. I have felt like this all my life and its fine. Hopefully you are younger than me and you will grow into yourself. I did.
The fear will ease and you will probably be left with a loner, a writer, an artist.... or one who chooses to express his feelings in different ways.
All my friends when I was in my twenties dropped pills apart from me, it left me feeling like there was something wrong with me but stuck with the way I was anyway. Now at 36 I am so glad I did. Yes, I don't socialise much, but I am one of the happiest people I know.
You'll be okay.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-02 01:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
0.5 sympathy
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-02 01:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What can I say? Can't be scared of rejection. You get rejected, you get drunk for four days, then all is well. I don't know...works for me. Don't take shit so seriously. We're all gonna die.
And Pogr3ss: "Preacher." Jesse Custer. I cheated with my seemingly supernatural google skills, so I don't expect a plus 2.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-05-02 01:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
Firstly, your not losing your mind. People that are losing their minds tend to think they're becoming saner.
And secondly, never be afraid of rejection or failure. Whole lives have been spent on thinking about could-have-beens. Don't hold yourself back. Live by the motto, I tried, I succeeded. and if it doesn't work out, I tried, I failed, but I tried and no one can say I didn't. Life shouldn't be about regrets.
"You have to be one of the good guys, 'cause there's far too many of the bad."
(auto +2 to anyone that can tell me where that quote is from)
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Die
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to hell, brother.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me, too.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
BOO
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The reviews below this were left by idiots. Pay them no heed...
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-05-01 22:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
become an hero
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2007-05-01 22:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
suicide, that'll fix ur problems, and ours