SUPA - Internal Cell (707 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Merlina (View user info) at 2007-04-06 13:17:23 EDT
So why don't I grieve? And not feel the need
To visit your soul to sit and to bleed
Over wounds that you caused; you know this of course
While I try to start over again
Years of pain with nothing to gain,
but the peace and quiet without feeling shame
I hold my head high; now I can fly
And not be afraid anymore
The punches that flew; the anger that grew
The pushing, the bitching you couldn't undo
I still hear you shout "ugly bitch, get out"
It's the loudest voice in my head
Unable to cope; you knew this of course
I started to hate you, "I want a divorce!"
I screamed at you, I'm paying a price
Destroying my life, the 'perfect' wife
I'll never forget, nor even regret
the last words you said "don't let
me die, I promise to try"
But then it was over and you closed your eyes
The courts have been kind; the jury weren't blind
A battered wife, so loving and kind.
You rot in hell and I smile in my cell
Not prison, but the one in my mind.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can still work with rhyme without forcing yourself into a set structure. I'd be interested to see how this would read with a bit more freedom of line. Sections involving battery coming out as literal blows, short, compact, violent and running down the page. That sort of thing.
I love the ending.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-11 16:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-11 02:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work....
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-10 21:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-10 18:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck to all contestants.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-09 09:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Zebra said about the rhyming. I think a freeform style would have been a little more suitable. Still, worthy of a +2, or close to it anyhow.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-09 07:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-06 22:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope this isn't from personal experience.
~~~
No, its fiction. :)
I'd kick the ass off a guy who tried to hit me (probably literally too as I do kickboxing and lift weights at the gym five days out of seven)
--
After you have hit them cut their worthless fucking balls off, or call me and I would gladly do it for you, not because I want their balls I hope you understand?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 15:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-06 15:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'LL GIVE YOU A +2 IF YOU DONT CAMWHORE AGAIN, PLEASE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HA HA HA HA
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-06 15:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'LL GIVE YOU A +2 IF YOU DONT CAMWHORE AGAIN, PLEASE
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-04-06 15:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. You're my kind of gal! ;)
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope this isn't from personal experience.
~~~
No, its fiction. :)
I'd kick the ass off a guy who tried to hit me (probably literally too as I do kickboxing and lift weights at the gym five days out of seven)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope this isn't from personal experience.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-06 14:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now THIS?
THIS is a poem.
nice work!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insert gay joke below
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know...you rated damn near all the other SUPA's but not mine.
I suggest a +2 in the hopes that I can pull a "Come from behind" Victory over O-tron.
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
~~~
why do I get the feeling this was a retaliation :)
---
I wouldnt do that, the subject matter was great. Just the way it was put together really didnt do it for me. Ah, digging myself deeper eh. Good poem.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile, isn't quite what I'd like to say here, but I liked this. It was good and told a story.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
~~~
why do I get the feeling this was a retaliation :)
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 for a lovely effort.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was nice, but some of the rhyming was unnecessary; this would actually be more powerful without it, in my opinion.
Sometimes the last thing a poem needs is a rhyme scheme.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fifth verse was a bit awkward, but overall this was excellent!
Oh, and I'll just leave the punchline.
"Nothing you haven't already told her twice before!"
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...fuckin' broads.