An Open Letter to Chris Henry (1318 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.37 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thomas R. Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2007-03-28 14:17:22 EDT
http://www.realfootball365.com/nfl/articles/2007/03/bengals-chrishenry-openletter280307.html
In case you have yet to hear, Chris Henry, the law-challenged Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, is in trouble again. According to various news reports, Henry was cited March 21 for driving on a suspended license, improper signal and a seat belt violation.
"If he is convicted or pleads guilty to these latest charges, Henry could be found to be in violation of his parole agreement," said Clermont County prosecutor Don White.
If all this holds up and Henry is found to be in violation of his parole, that could mean the end of his football career. Regardless of what the league chooses to do, his time in Cincinnati is almost assuredly over, as head coach Marvin Lewis has promised to be much tougher on players who have trouble behaving off the field.
Knowing this, I offer the following letter to Chris Henry.
Dear Chris Henry,
Have you been living in a cave for the past three months? Did you miss the Pacman Jones saga and ensuing crackdown on misbehavior by the league? Do you enjoy playing football for a living, or would you rather fight off Boggs and the rest of the sisters with a broom for the next 10 years? Because at the rate you're going, that is where you're headed.
The thing is, it's at the point where you could be revealed to be the Zodiac killer, Jack the Ripper, and the SNL Land Shark rolled into one and no one in Cincinnati would so much as raise an eyebrow. It's not that they don't care; it's just that nothing surprises them anymore. You could be arrested for mutilating cattle and wearing their skin around town like a suit claiming to be Jesus and they'd simply shake their heads and exhale loudly. Your latest transgression, however, is quite frustrating. Not because of what you've done, but because of how ridiculous the entire situation is.
Let's break it down like a 5-year-old. You have had numerous run-ins with the law over the past few months. All of this combined with your skills on the football field means that nearly everyone in Cincinnati (especially the police) knows who you are on sight. The problem with that is that they don't recognize you the way they do Chad Johnson or Carson Palmer. When they see them on the street, they assume Ocho-Cinco is on his way to McDonalds and Carson is on his way to play Cornhole. When they see you, they're afraid you're going to start waving a gun around or lean out the window of an SUV and vomit all over them.
Here's why this is relevant: Your driver's license is suspended, yet you chose to get into your Cadillac Escalade and take a trip to Over-the-Rhine. Um, why? Bock Fest was three weeks ago. Maybe you wanted to pray in German so you drove over to Old St. Mary's Church. It's possible you needed a caffeine fix and you were headed to Kaldi's. Perhaps Mike Vick was coming up for a visit...who knows? I think, however, your goal was just to be noticed by people on the street. If that's the case, congratulations are in order. Mission accomplished. You could have strolled into the police station covered in blood like Kevin Spacey at the end of "Seven" and been less conspicuous.
As if that's not enough, you were not using your blinkers and you were not wearing a seatbelt. Are you kidding me? Do you have any common sense at all? If you're driving around Over-the-Rhine in an Escalade with a suspended license, at least have the common sense to use your blinkers and wear your seat belt. Why give the police an excuse to pull you over? It's Cincinnati, Chris. The cops don't need your help.
I suppose there is a bright side to this. Seeing as how you'll likely miss at least part of next season, that frees up some time for you and your buddy Pacman to move back to Morgantown, W. Va., and begin filming a reality show titled Who's Going to Be Tasered First? I'm certain that will be a huge hit...at least in the Nashville and Cincinnati areas.
The bottom line is, Bengals fans have had it with your shenanigans. You are a very talented receiver and you are a vital part of an already deep receiving corps, but they're done. It's time to end this relationship, and they've all chipped in and bought you a one-way bus pass out of town. You know, so you don't have to drive on that suspended license again.
The fans are just looking out for you, Chris. It's a shame you can't do so yourself.
Sincerely,
Thomas Sorrell
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-04-02 08:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those Kentucky Bengals are still around?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a total non-issue.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-03-29 01:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a dumb ass
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Razor: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99209
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2007-03-28 22:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe we had almost 25% of the arrests in the entire league. Im glad we are a better team, but Henry needs to go.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-28 20:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this could be used as a format for a letter against Pacman too. I'm in Nashville and I'm sick of seeing his nigger, gangster-ass all over the sports page.
I'm not racist, I mean proper nigger. He is one. So is Chris Henry. They shouldn't be allowed to play ball.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-28 20:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cuz I can.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-03-28 19:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wasn't really very scathing.
I think if the league cracks down on Chris Henry for driving on a suspended license and yet gives Pac-man and Tank Johnson slaps on the wrist there is something seriously wrong with priorities.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-28 17:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Personally, I think Reggie McNeal is going to have a big season in fantasy football next year.
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-03-28 17:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow! That's like SO mean!!!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-28 17:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some people are fucking morons
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We're the NFL's version of This is Spinal Tap.
Our last running back spontaneously combusted. Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year...it's just not really widely reported
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just send it to Chris Henry in c/o The Cincinatti Lockup and spare us the tragedy/comedy that is Bengal football.
I'm going to have a word with Marvin the next time I see him...which might be in two weeks.
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I always viewed Bengals "football" as more of a mockumentary or a dramedy. But that's just my opinion.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have like 100-some columns that have been published, Adam. I think I've posted three of them on here.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
post was good, but stop whoring out that 365 shit like we care that you're a famous intarweb writer
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...or would you rather fight off Boggs and the rest of the sisters with a broom for the next 10 years?
Hah awesome!
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-03-28 16:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe we can get someone decent for Henry. Plays like a pussy.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cincinnati's record in 2006: 8-8-8(wins,losses,arrests)
By the way, I heard a rumor you can use bold and italics on Ubersite now, is that true?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just send it to Chris Henry in c/o The Cincinatti Lockup and spare us the tragedy/comedy that is Bengal football.
I'm going to have a word with Marvin the next time I see him...which might be in two weeks.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should trade his ass to Dallas - they love moolies like that there
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Bengals should think about acquiring Ugueth Urbina for next sea........oh wait.
Different sport, but have you seen this bullshit yet?
http://www.projecta13.com/index.html
Submitted by Missmouse (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Although I don't give a shit about sports of any kind, this was very well written.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!
Just evening out for the retard here.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's one talented degenerate.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice rant.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-28 14:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing is, it's at the point where you could be revealed to be the Zodiac killer, Jack the Ripper, and the SNL Land Shark rolled into one and no one in Cincinnati would so much as raise an eyebrow
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ah ahahahahahaha